Ghosted by GC Sibling

[Rebel13]

I wrote a couple months back in the "Dealing with Elderly Family Members" forum about drama with my mom after I visited my family last spring.  That visit put me back into NC with mom and a bit more contact with my brother, who I hadn't seen or communicated much with in almost 20 years.  We texted occasionally over this past summer.  I sent him a small birthday gift.  It felt kind of nice being back in touch, but he stopped texting or replying around the beginning of the fall which didn't really surprise me.  I have been through this before with him.

My visit back there was motivated by some health concerns, and it turned out I did have cancer, the kind our mother's mother died of.  I was kind of preoccupied with that through the fall, and had (relatively major) surgery at the beginning of December.  I didn't tell my brother about the cancer diagnosis or surgery because I didn't want him to tell my mother.  On Christmas Eve he texted me that my mom was at his house and did I want to video chat with them?  He has done this a few times, inviting me to video chat at the last minute on a holiday.  I feel resentful about the implication that I don't have plans and can jump on a call whenever.  This feeling goes back to me always feeling less-than because he was always mommy's golden boy.  I've struggled a lot with that (but obviously have more work to do).

I suspect to some extent he's being deployed as a flying monkey to get me talking to my mother again.  That's my assumption but it's a reasonable one.

Anyway, since I was recovering from surgery, I ignored the text and texted back the next day, Merry Christmas and that I hoped they had a nice visit.  I went back and forth about letting him know about the surgery.  I tried really hard to be honest with myself about my expectations.  I started writing a note a couple of times and decided against it.  It kept coming up though, and I finally wrote a short card that I had had surgery and that's why I didn't have a lot of energy for holiday preparations, but that I hoped he and his family were all well.  I didn't write anything that would require a reply.  And, surprise, I haven't gotten one!  It's been about three weeks since I sent it.  And I keep thinking about it.  I video chatted with my dad and stepmom yesterday and they mentioned they were visiting him today so I know he's not dead or anything.  I'm pretty hurt that he couldn't even text me and say, hey, sorry you had cancer.  I really want to let it go but it keeps popping into my mind.  I keep thinking of excuses for him, or hoping a card will show up in the mail tomorrow or something.

I've been reading a lot of posts here and the advice to expect nothing is so good.  I just had a hard time getting there this time.  I think I was hopeful because we had a nice conversation when I saw him back in the spring.  I was more invested and wanted a response more than I realized.

If anyone has any advice for letting this go I'd appreciate it.  One tactic I've been using this fall with a friend I needed to let go of (who reminded me of my brother a lot, actually) is to imagine him smiling, surrounded by sunshine, and MOVING AWAY FROM ME while I say, "I release you to your highest good."  I'm going to try that with my brother, but would welcome anything that has worked for anyone else to let go of hope and expectations that disordered family members will act like regular humans.

[Rebel13]

I should say, I don't know if he has a PD or not.  He definitely has NPD tendencies, but it could be fleas from growing up as mom's GC.  He also really fits the profile of the driven parent in the Children of Emotionally Immature Parents book.  So I don't know if this belongs in this forum.  I apologize if not.

[bloomie]

Rebel13 - I am sorry for the diagnosis and surgery you have had to face. I hope you are returning to full health!

I can sure see how this would be a time when even a simple well wish from your brother would be welcome and mean a lot. Him ignoring this significant development in your life has to hurt. I am so sorry he is not responding.

So often, the sibling relationships become a wasteland of uncertainty when there is a disordered parent in the mix. Wouldn't you agree? It is hard to reestablish meaningful communication when it has broken down for so long or been so many years since you have had trust and reciprocity between you.

One thing you may have found out is that your brother doesn't seem, at this time anyway, to want to go any deeper than you already are. And that hurts. But, you were not wrong in any way to at least try and share these significant health challenges that loving, healthy enough siblings would share and would support each other in. You took things to the next level beyond occasional texts and you now have some information to sort through and make decisions from going forward.

The letting go piece for me has also required acceptance of where things truly are and that a sibling's behaviors toward me, consistent over time, indicate a lack of true interest and care for me. And giving myself time to move through the sadness and disappointment of that reality. For me, it is a decided adjustment of expectations to match reality. Because otherwise, at least for me, I can get stuck in an uncertainty of my own making.

Your letting go visualization is beautiful! I imagine using that would be a gentle and loving way to release him and yourself.

[Rebel13]

bloomie, thanks so much for the well wishes.  I *am* doing quite well and feeling a lot better.

As an update, two days ago I got a card from my brother.  The communication level was about the same as the one I had sent him -- short and light.  "Sorry to hear about your health issue but glad you are doing so well."

He said he felt he "should" tell our mother this information but he wouldn't if I didn't want him to.

I am really trying to stop the triangulated communication.  I want to communicate directly with my mother (or not) and not through him, and I am not intending to put him in the middle. Now that my situation has calmed down, what he tells my mother is between the two of them.

And then there is a card from my mother today!  I have not looked at it yet.  I don't know if his card was delayed and he has already told her?  I will ask my partner to look at her card first and let me know if there is anything I need to know.

As far as my brother, I feel our relationship is still ambiguous.  I will try to keep communicating/responding at the same level, not discuss our mother or our relationships to her, and not overinvest or make assumptions that might revive old resentments.  Clearly I need to spend some time thinking, maybe journaling about memories and past experiences to clear out some old baggage.

[bloomie]

Rebel13 - I am so glad to hear you are doing well! Yay!!

I am really trying to stop the triangulated communication.  I want to communicate directly with my mother (or not) and not through him, and I am not intending to put him in the middle. Now that my situation has calmed down, what he tells my mother is between the two of them.

This is brilliant! Great boundaries and goals you have for yourself going forward! It is so much easier to find our way when we are clear on what is our business and what isn't and dedicated to healthier interactions and lines of communication.

[SaintBlackSheep]

This has been the hardest part for me in dealing with my narcissistic mother, enabling father, and my husband's entire PD family. It's a process to surrender the fantasy of what they could and should treat me like. Sometimes it goes well for me, and then sometimes, especially when I'm vulnerable, I catch myself hoping they'll act like normal caring family members, and then getting let down when they inevitably don't. My vulnerable moments are when I've been seriously ill, when I've given birth, and around some holidays.

I read in some self-help resource somewhere that as kids growing up in dysfunction, it SAVED us to see their potential because the reality of how terrible narcs can be would just gut a child. The narc parent raises an alternate version of us growing up, so we are never seen for who we truly are. We grow up without learning how to see reality. Narc parents only want us to see some ideal version of them as well, whether they want to be perceived as perfect and always right (and us, always wrong,) or waifish and helpless and in need of our constant rescue and attention, etc. Once we start to heal and start confronting the contrast between the fantasy and the reality, it can take a long time to unravel the web of illusions that constructed our entire family life as kids. It took an entire childhood to construct the illusions and it can take just as long to tear it down and allow us to finally follow our long-suppressed instincts and internal moral compass. I've had so many setbacks and, although I've made so much progress, right now I am stuck in the frustrating point where I KNOW my parents will add no value to my life, I know not to expect anything positive from them, and I know any suggestion of "help" or goodness from them is just a hoover trying to suck me back into their drama. So I'm always second-guessing everything in my life right now. I feel like everything needs recalibrated, not must my perception of them. I'm a middle aged mother and am suddenly so full of self doubt I don't know which way is up.

Facing reality is great, but I'm finding it so so disorienting. And sad. Child me allowed the narc illusions to hold to protect myself from this profound sorrow of just how disappointing and awful my parents really are and just how alone I've always been. Having the realization as an adult that I've always been alone, even through some extremely tough situations that no child should have had to go through at all, much less all alone, is gutting. So yes, in moments of vulnerability, that reality sometimes still flickers away like a hologram glitching, and I still long for a caring parent figure to be a loving presence in my life and my kids', and that's when the narc illusion snaps back in place for a time, until I come back to my senses.

For those reasons, I think it sounds normal that, when facing down cancer, you too would long for a loving presence in your life, and since you grew up with those narc illusions drilled into your head that your brother is golden, it's fair that some sliver of you might hope that he might actually act golden towards you in this vulnerable time. Hugs! I can't say it gets easier because I have not come to an easier place with it yet, but I CAN attest that it does get less disorienting.