I broke NC with in-laws and I'm OK

[mustard_seed]

My husband had a medical emergency recently and he asked me to notify his parents and keep them updated as we navigated that. I was scared to do it, but I decided I would do it for him because of the circumstances. It went OK -- in-law's were rude, cold, and invasive all at once, but I felt strong and confident in myself and didn't take anything personally. I even pushed back when they questioned our judgment on the healthcare decisions we were making. And I have since handed that responsibility back to my husband as he is better able to communicate now.

My husband is OK and we're home, he's recovering. But Mil and Fil want to visit soon, and I've told my husband I'm OK with that. I plan to be occupied while they're here, and will engage in the most limited interaction and conversation that I can. (They live close, it will be a short visit). I'm definitely nervous, but I do think I can handle it.

I've also gone from VLC to LC with my FOO during this time. It was something I had planned to test drive this year anyway, so it felt natural to reach out to siblings and UPD-mom under the circumstances. I've definitely dropped my boundaries there--sharing way more than necessary, JADE-ing, fawning, etc. *sigh* Old habits. I keep reaching for support in places where it's not reasonable to expect that my relational needs be met.

I just wanted to share--because real life can be messy and it's OK to wobble and then return to good resources and support when needed.

My current reminders:
Reach out to people who uplift and support you
Have a strong filter
It's OK to fall down, but you have to get back up
Give yourself grace

Has anyone else been there? What did you learn during and wish you'd done differently?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't see myself breaking NC in the foreseeable future, but I just wanted to say what you're doing is really brave and admirable. Good for you having the confidence that you can try this, do what is needed for now, then reassess and adjust boundaries as you go.


I'm glad your husband is on the mend. That had to have been really some extra stress dealing with Il's for the first time in a long time while also going through that health scare. It's understandable that you wobbled with your FOO since you were perceiving they were "safer" for you. That's really their job, after all. But good for you being authentic through all this. I hope you take such good care of yourself now and through this upcoming visit with ILs.

[bloomie]

mustard-seed - so thankful your dear husband is home and on the mend!! Whew! This all had to feel a bit like you were in the spin cycle.

Being able to stay with yourself - staying strong and confident and able to respect your DH's request to contact and inform in laws - in the midst of your DH's medical emergency is something to celebrate!  Definitely calls for a chicken dance!!!!

So, you temporarily resorted to coping methods that have not served you well with your FOO.. and now, the healthly you realizes that and is adjusting.

You know what I wish I had done differently more than anything else after an unplanned, sudden emergent life/death event with my own DH or another family member? (it's in your list) I wish I had given myself more grace and understanding and credit for getting through it the best I could and knew how.

All of this.. the atmosphere of disordered and unhealthy family systems bring such complexity to what was meant to be a loving, safe, support system. There is absolutely no right or wrong imv, there is doing the best we can in the moment, adjusting as we need to when we can get a moment to consider, and moving forward in dignity and strength.

You seem to already know to disengage now with both sides of the family. To reassert healthy boundaries and distance. The only thing I would add to the list is good self care and recognizing that this level of contact takes a toll and you have to plan for it and make space to recover from it.

Let us know how you all are doing!

[mustard_seed]

I've been mentally preparing myself for the in-laws' visit, but I don't know if it's even going to happen at this point.

Things had been going fine, but then MIL called husband the other day and brought up old drama (my NC and the reasons for it, him not trying hard enough with them over the past year, etc.) and he ended up hanging up on MIL, and they haven't spoken since. He said he doesn't need this right now, is trying to focus on healing.

I'm a bit relieved, to be honest. Maybe they won't come into my home after all and disturb the peace. But I do feel sad for my husband. You would think that given the situation, they would put things on hold at least for the time being and just show up, be kind. But no. Demands for apologies will continue...

MIL is having her own health issues, which she typically wields as a license to do and say whatever she wants.

I'm doing OK. Y'all's words of encouragement and support helped so much. I love the chicken dance bloomie You are one of my role models for mindset around this 'life package'. You're like a mindset jedi in my book!

I have pulled back from both families for sure. I haven't interacted with in-laws since my husband got home from the hospital. And I've cut way back on talking to my mom and siblings. When I do interact, I'm keeping it light and surface-y. I do sense what I think is anger from my mom at my boundaries, but it's OK. I have been doing just fine with VLC for a long time now and I don't *need* anything from her anymore--approval, emotional warmth, etc. I tell myself "she doesn't have it to give" and I have done a LOT of grief work around that, so I think it's just a matter of returning to those new, healthier mental habits.

As far as self-care and giving myself grace... I am trying. I'm going to be in caregiver mode for my husband for at least two months, maybe longer. He has a pretty serious situation going on--it's temporary and he will recover, but it's intense. So yes, Cordelia, it has been some *extra* stress!

It's an adjustment for sure. I have been listening to "The Obstacle is the Way" by Ryan Holiday and it's helping. I'm eating healthy, taking walks when I can, and I've reached out to some friends who are pretty supportive, so it's going OK. I need to prioritize sleep as it's been out of whack lately. This forum has been great. I go back and re-read old posts when I get wobbly and it's a great boost to my mindset. <3

[bloomie]

Things had been going fine, but then MIL called husband the other day and brought up old drama (my NC and the reasons for it, him not trying hard enough with them over the past year, etc.) and he ended up hanging up on MIL, and they haven't spoken since. He said he doesn't need this right now, is trying to focus on healing.

It's an adjustment for sure. I have been listening to "The Obstacle is the Way" by Ryan Holiday and it's helping. I'm eating healthy, taking walks when I can, and I've reached out to some friends who are pretty supportive, so it's going OK. I need to prioritize sleep as it's been out of whack lately.

Look at the two of you reasserting prioritizing your own health and well being as much as you are able given the unexpected stress and now recovery needed!

Your mil bringing drama to a son that is recovering from a sudden, serious illness is telling and I am thankful your DH put a stop to it.   

It seems like you and your DH are understanding how important it is to protect your peace and value your wellbeing by drawing toward each other and those in your life that are supportive and mature and withdrawing from those who are bringing angst, difficulty, and whose behaviors are egocentric.

I hope your DH continues to grow stronger and heal completely and that you are able to process and leave your own mother's stuff and possible displeasure right where it belongs... with her.

[Cat of the Canals]

For the sake of your husband's recovery, MIL's newest tantrum sounds like a blessing in disguise, if it means the visit is off. I think it's in moments of crisis like this -- where any rational parent would be thinking of their child's health and wellbeing and ONLY that -- that their true colors really shine through. When they refuse to set aside their old resentments for even a second, it becomes quite clear exactly what you're dealing with.

I think this also highlights why it's so beneficial to be firm and consistent with our boundaries. I suspect your MIL took the limited contact you initiated during your husband's illness as an opening. Instead of viewing it as a kindness you were extending on his behalf, she thinks she can start prodding again, looking for cracks.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well done indeed. The bull thought it had an opening back into the china shop and nope! Oh my gosh.

But you know what... you'll both remember this one.