Schooling kids in gaslighting and other PD behaviors?

[rockandhardplace]

This isn't a new topic for me, I just can't work out how to handle my situation. I've read so many books on PD's, well mostly narcissists, and I'm trying to accept the advice that we can't do anything to stop them damaging our children, what happens at their house will happen.
To give some context, I have only had 1 full night away from my 9 year old and rarely go out at night because her dad often has her in tears when I do, criticising her, not comforting her if she misses me etc etc. He frequently invalidates her feelings with things like "you're not sorry", "you're not tired/busy/carsick", which can make her more vulnerable to BPD herself. I was a stay at home mom until a few years ago when I went back to university, which he was very much onboard with as meant he could work any hours he needed grow his career etc. but when things went pear shaped with us he flipped that whole narrative and now I frequently get accused of exploiting him for not working our whole relationship. It's insane and the thing I worry about is hearing him talk to my 9 year old telling her stories of these mothers who have amazing jobs and constantly saying poor dad has to work be nice to sit around doing nothing all day. All aimed at me. But at least when I'm here I have some awareness of the crap he feeds her. I love listening to "it's all your fault" but it really makes me so scared of what will happen to my kids when I leave. I've lived in such fear of him alienating them against me as he has caused so many relationship issues with my 17 year old and now my 14 year old who I was so close with is pulling away from me. I feel they are going to be so vulnerable to him telling awful lies about me to turn them against me. This is the main reason I've felt so stuck for years like this. But even when I don't think about that fear I can't help but wonder what ways he's going to gaslight them when I'm not around as his target of blame??
sorry this is a bit muddled. I just wonder how can I warn them that their dad might engage in gaslighting without mentioning PD's??? Or without it backfiring and them thinking I'm trying to turn them against him? I know everyone says just let them learn for themselves, but seriously it took me nearly 10 years and I was a fully grown adult when I met him, what chance do kids have!?!

[notrightinthehead]

I can only speak from my own experience. My kids grew up in a house where dad emotionally abused mum. They chose emotionally abusive partners. They did as I did, not as I said.
They pulled away from me because when they witnessed me letting myself being abused, it hurt them too. It made them angry. And they resented me for it and also for not protecting them from his abuse.
The best you can do for your kids is to role model healthy behavior. You seem to be so overwhelmed with fear that you cannot think clearly. How about you face the fear head on and take a first step towards change?

[rockandhardplace]

Notright do your kids talk about this with you now? I find it very upsetting to hear that your kids blame you for the abuse you all suffered. It was never your fault. You didn't allow him to abuse you, he chose to be abusive. I can't tell you how much I hate this type of victim blaming in our society. Being abused is soul destroying, it causes so much damage. It makes me so angry that your children's father abused you and has managed to get them to blame you for his abuse.
I try and model healthy behaviours but your post just reconfirms that the risks of being blamed for everything he does is very real. The risk that he can turn them against me is very real. I have realistic fears about what his retaliation will be when I start the divorce process. I will not be able to move out of our house until we finalise finances. For years I've tried to get him to talk about how damaging living like this is for our kids and each time I bring it up i get attacked. He will not accept we aren't a normal family so I fear that he might even murder us all. But on the flip side he can act so rational and normal and I feel kids already side with him to stay safe - better to be with the bully than against. Regardless I am making plans to start the process as this is no life for anyone. But I feel there needs to be some way of educating my kids about the kind of tactics he will use. His psychological abuse was very subtle for a long time. I got very badly damaged before I even recognised it. He'll do the same to my kids. They need to learn the subtle ways he will gaslight and manipulate them.