Navigating my family dynamics often feels like I'm managing a psychiatric ward.

[a worker at arkham asylum]

***TRIGGER WARNING***: Self-harm, violence, sexual harassment.

Unfortunately, I became a second wife to a man with two kids from a previously failed first family.

Over the years, I've developed specific strategies to manage my relationship with my husband, who, based on my observations and the 'duck' test, seems to exhibit traits of a vulnerable, covert narcissist. His children also appear to have similar disordered traits- his oldest daughter is a somatic narcissist (think, OnlyFans material), and the younger daughter has BPD (think, serial killer). Additionally, I've noticed disordered character patterns within his extended family, particularly his mother. In my view, my MIL demonstrates the characteristics of a malignant, overt narcissist.

Every day, interacting with these people, I feel like I'm an orderly at Arkham Insane Asylum, hence my username. As an orderly working in a nuthouse, the first rule I follow is to treat the inmates with respect. They seem to sense that I respect them; hence, they are less defensive, and their behavior becomes less frequent but, unfortunately, more covert.
To navigate this challenging dynamic, I've adopted a strategy of disengagement and observation. It's fascinating to note that my husband often seems compelled to stir up drama in calm family times. He frequently employs tactics that create tension or conflict. Sometimes, this involves pitting one family member against another, effectively triangulating relationships. Other times, he initiates arguments where he adopts the role of 'the victim' in the situation, as explained by the Karpman drama triangle concept. However, upon closer examination, it becomes apparent that, in reality, he is acting as 'the offender' in these scenarios. Or, if one of his daughters calls him on his b.s., he runs to me to play the 'rescuer' and defend him.

He has mastered the art of gaslighting; his skill in weaving a narrative is so adept that it often appears almost flawless. His storytelling is persuasive and compelling, making it challenging for anyone to discern the truth unless they have direct knowledge of the actual events. This ability to distort reality is particularly effective on those who weren't present when the incidents occurred, as they are left to rely solely on his version of events. However, for those who were there and witnessed the truth first-hand, it becomes clear that his account is far from accurate, revealing the stark contrast between his portrayal and the actual occurrences.

Reflecting on the past decade, I recall how my husband initially convinced me that his ex-wife was the sole architect of their marriage's turmoil, painting himself as a saintly figure in his dramatic narrative. However, with time and observation, my perspective has shifted. While I still believe (again, based on the duck test) that his ex-wife might struggle with BPD/NPD, I've come to realize that she wasn't the only contributing factor to the collapse of their marriage. It's become apparent that our 'shared husband' played a significant role in the dynamics that led to their relationship's demise. This understanding has led me to see that the breakdown of their marriage was not solely her doing but rather a complex interplay of both their behaviors and personalities.

With the ex-wife, I've been completely disengaged from her since day one. The only time I see her is at public events. And when I see her, I treat her with respect.

Joining this site has been a step towards connecting with others who understand and can relate to my challenges. Being part of a community where my experiences are acknowledged and shared is comforting and empowering. In addition to this, I'm actively seeking a therapist to help navigate these complex emotional waters. I'm also focusing on expanding my social circle beyond the confines of 'work at Arkham Insane Asylum,' especially considering my disability and the fact that I am approaching my golden years. Given these circumstances and my situation, pursuing a divorce isn't a viable option for me. Instead, I'm concentrating on enhancing my well-being and seeking support in environments where my experiences are validated and understood.

It's essential for me to cultivate friendships outside of my work environment (crazy family), as it's not advisable or healthy to develop personal relationships beyond professional boundaries with the inmates. Recognizing this, I'm trying to expand my social connections in other areas of my life. This approach is not only more appropriate given my professional role, but it also helps create a balanced and healthy social life that is separate from my workplace's unique and challenging environment.

Navigating conversations with my husband is challenging, as he lacks empathy and often perceives discussions as confrontations to be won rather than opportunities for mutual understanding. He tends to steer conversations to center around himself, and if the focus shifts, it becomes a competitive scenario for him.

In dealing with this behavior, particularly reminiscent of handling a difficult inmate, my approach is to be direct and factual. I state clearly what I need or want and then brace myself for his predictable attempts to gaslight, invalidate, or use logical fallacies to try and 'win' the exchange. His tactics are transparent in their intention to dominate the conversation.

To counter this, I maintain mental fortitude and calmness. It's crucial to stay composed and not give in to his attempts to destabilize me emotionally, which I recognize as his goal. I can manage these interactions more effectively by keeping my composure and not allowing the conversation to escalate into emotional dysregulation, though they remain a significant challenge.

Navigating my relationship with his daughter is a delicate matter. She exhibits traits that suggest silent and petulant borderline personality disorder (BPD), which makes interactions particularly challenging. Consequently, I choose to engage with her minimally.

Her social circle appears to be quite limited, which isn't entirely unexpected given her behavioral patterns. She doesn't seem to have friends in the traditional sense. However, she does have a significant other, her boyfriend, who seems to occupy a central role in her life. In BPD dynamics, this person often becomes the 'favorite person' – someone who is intensely idealized and relied upon for emotional support.

Observing their relationship, it appears that she relies heavily on her boyfriend for emotional sustenance, a dynamic often referred to as using someone as a 'supply.' This term is typically used in the context of narcissistic relationships, where the partner is used to fulfill emotional or psychological needs in a way that's not necessarily healthy or balanced.
My approach is to observe and interact minimally, prioritizing my own emotional well-being while being aware of her passive-aggressive tactics. She loves to cause drama where she pits her father against me.

A classic push-pull behavior marks the dynamics of my relationship with his daughter, a pattern often associated with borderline personality traits. This interaction style is characterized by alternating periods of apparent warmth and friendliness, followed by phases of coldness and detachment.

In our interactions, there have been moments when she seemed quite amiable and open, creating an atmosphere of tentative camaraderie. However, these phases invariably shift, and she becomes distant and unapproachable, effectively pushing me away. This cyclical pattern of drawing close and then withdrawing has been a consistent feature of our relationship over the years.

Recently, there was another instance of this push-pull dynamic – a period where she once again distanced herself. In response to this latest cycle, I consciously decided to respect that distance and not attempt to bridge the gap as I might have in the past. I am trying to establish a boundary that protects my emotional well-being by remaining away after her most recent push. This approach is about recognizing and responding to the pattern healthily for me rather than getting caught in the continual cycle of her sick, fluctuating relational dynamics.
She claims to be transgender while in a relationship with her male boyfriend. I'm still scratching my head about that one.

Beyond these facets of her identity, she is also grappling with significant mental health challenges. She engages in self-harm through cutting and is showing signs of developing an eating disorder. An incident where she stopped eating to the point of fainting was particularly concerning. She had gotten suspended from school on several occasions for sexually harassing another girl, carrying a knife, and fighting.

Her actions often seemed to be signals of her deep psychological struggles, prompting her father to seek therapeutic help for her. He chose therapists with very liberal viewpoints, those who view even someone like Ted Bundy through a lens that sees good and evil as subjective; "oh, old Ted...he killed how many people...oh...well...he's still a 'good person.'" My husband's daughter shared some of the topics they discussed with us, and the 'good person' premise concerns me.

This perspective concerns me, especially considering the extreme nature of my stepdaughter's behavior. Suppose she were ever to harbor any harmful intentions towards her father and me, such as contemplating violence. In such a scenario, it's crucial that her therapist adheres to professional ethics and legal responsibilities. Should she ever express intentions of causing harm, I would expect the therapist to take appropriate action by reporting these concerns to the authorities.

In my husband's daughter's situation, do you think it appropriate or responsible for the therapist to reassure my stepdaughter of her intrinsic goodness even if my stepdaughter ends up killing her father and me? I told my husband months ago that his daughter is just using the therapists as her narc supply to regulate her emotions – she's not learning anything useful. But my concerns were swept under the rug.
 
Can you tell that money-grubbing therapists who promote 'anything goes' to keep the patient hooked get on my nerves?

Anyway, this is my introduction essay for this site, along with some background information. To cope with my situation, I treat it like a job at a nuthouse.

Does anyone have anything to share along this line?

Thanks!

[Srcyu]

Hello,

The MIL brings to mind a description I once read where the matriarch sits in the centre of her web ... you can probably guess the rest.
I also have a family member who thrives on drama and will deliberately upset people in order to relieve his own tension. I learnt about that here. I've learnt a lot of things here and I've moved on considerably as a result.

I've never been anywhere near a therapist.

You mention disengagement. That's one of the best tactics in my book. It makes any unacceptable behaviour fall flat on its face. Gas lighting sadly, is one of their best skills. It protects their fragile ego.
You certainly have your hands full. You also have my admiration.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to the right place. You seem to be coping quite well with your difficult situation. I am looking forward to your contributions.

[Tryingtounderstand]

You are very wise and articulate. I can see you have spent a considerable amount of time understanding your situation. Some things you have said resonate with me quite a bit. It's sad that instead of us devoting all of our attention to a healthy relationship we put an equal effort to navigate and trying to understand a difficult one. What i am learning through all this is what drives us? You see the problem and the patterns but why do we continue? I think it's a part of who we are, how we were raised and our values. That part of us is difficult to turn off because it's "hard wired" into us as people so we continue to try.