Struggling with a friend TW

[keepmoving]

I don't know if this is me being hyper-vigilant or what. I tend to doubt my perception of things. But I have been struggling recently with my friend who is also my housemate, I think part of the problem is my tendency to caretake but I also wonder if my friend is maybe manipulative without knowing it. I also am concerned that I am blaming the issues on my friend and not taking responsibility for my own actions. Or that some of these types of situations are 'normal' in friendships, I have a somewhat poor understanding of what a 'normal' relationship looks like due to my background. Any feedback would be helpful.

The concerning events:

Sometimes she gets very possessive of her food, and other times she's very giving, going above and beyond to share, though sometimes she shares the resentment she carries for it not being reciprocated.

She doesn't like it when I or my other roommate hang out with her ex boyfriend who is also a good friend of ours. She claims it feels like we're picking him over her. She talks poorly about him pretty regularly even though it's been at least a year since they broke up. My other roommate and I basically don't speak of him or what we do with him in front of her and it seems to cause less drama. It seems like ideally she wishes we would never speak to him again unless she becomes friends with him again. She also expressed how when she was having a hard time mentally that she 'wanted him to take care of her' or to inherently know when she was struggling.

My roommate and I were at an art show, at a party afterwards, my roommate kept asking when I wanted to leave, that she kind of wanted to leave soon, I said I wanted to stay. Later a friend asked my roommate and I if we wanted to come to another party, my friend said she didn't feel like going but that it was ok if we didn't go to the same place, I said ok I'll go to the party. My roommate abruptly left, and I continued talking to the other friends at the party.

Later, as a group of us were leaving to go to the other party, my roommate called me and asked if I could come to her and that she was freaking out. I ran over to the street she was at and asked her what was wrong, she said she didn't really know but that she was having some kind of panic attack, (previously after another incident I had explained I have caretaking tendencies, and she said that she didn't want me to take care of her, so this time I was less inclined to caretake). I offered to split a taxi with her to get to the train, or if she didn't think she could take the train home, that I would split a taxi with her to take her straight to our house. She said that wasn't necessary, and I told her ok, just wait at the party until the bus comes and then head home. I left her and started walking to the party. She called me again and said actually she did want to go to the party I said ok. But basically the person who invited us said she didn't know if there was enough room at the house for both of us to stay but we could ask the homeowner once we got there. My roommate said ok then maybe we should go home, I said I still wanted to go. She yelled at me on the sidewalk telling me how she had invited me to this art event and that I was now throwing it back in her face, I explained that even though I was going to this party it didn't mean I didn't love her, I tried to hug her before I left but she screamed and begged me not to leave her there, it was scary, I really wanted to get away from her, so I left.

We later had some kind of talk about this, I think I kind of dissociated through it because I don't really remember what was said except that I could understand why it happened because she had been having anxiety that day. She also stated that she thought she reacted that way because she "didn't know we could advocate for ourselves in our relationship". Soon after, she told me she was craving alone time with these art people from the event, and asked if I would mind not coming to a drawing night. She said my personality was making it hard for her to connect to other people, and that she had felt suffocated by my presence at the last event (where she screamed at me for leaving her). I basically told her that my presence doesn't affect how she can interact with other people, that we are our own individuals. I stopped going to the drawing event because I didn't want to be around her, so I guess she got what she wanted.

the other incident: *TW* mentions suicide
I hear my roommate crying loudly in her room with her door open. I don't react because I was doing something and this is not unusual for her to do. I've also been trying not to caretake. She stops crying, she comes to my room and tells me I need to call a doctor, that she's taken alot of medication trying to kill herself. I call, she seemingly passes out with her eyes open. Then abruptly she says I'm fine I didn't take the medication, whoa that was so weird, I think I just have to go to the bathroom. She stands up and goes to the bathroom. I'm in shock. The police and emt arrive and she starts saying how she didn't actually take the medication, just some nyquil, and that she's feeling alot better. I tell the emt's that she has to go with them because she was acting totally normal yesterday and then she did this. She goes with them and is in the hospital for the next few days.

What is this? She does not take any critique of her behavior well, often running off in tears. Often any interaction like this ends with me reassuring I don't think she is a bad person or that her behavior was explainable by xyz.
I don't know what to do about all this, I want to protect myself but I don't want to get ahead of myself either. I am scared she will read this somehow.

[notrightinthehead]

We don't diagnose here but you might want to check out histrionic personality from what you describe.
I have a friend like that and in small doses she brings sparkle and excitement to my life, also is exhausting and irritating when I spend more than a few hours a month with her.
As you are living with this person I strongly recommend you study the Toolbox and begin to implement the strategies described there. You already seem to be healthy in your reactions to the drama your friend enacts. Just continue your self protective behavior and remind yourself that you cannot control anyone's behavior or feelings but your own. You are not responsible for how another person feels.
Good luck! And let us know how you are coping.

[keepmoving]

nrith, thank you for your response, I appreciate having another opinion on this as I'm kind of kind of struggling with my perception of the events. I'm re-reading the toolbox and it's helpful though troubling identifying other instances that align with her behavior. It's strange because I feel like I'm so aware of pd's because of my family but I think I must be experiencing some kind of short term memory loss, or am forgiving due to her humor/charm, or hide my blinders on due to her pd's presentation being different than the one's in my family.


Something I've been struggling with is her narrative of herself as the victim, I end up seeing her through this lens and am more forgiving of her behavior due to this. I don't know if she did this intentionally or I just attuned to it due to my people pleasing background, but she has expressed a sort of possessiveness about a group of friends that I know only through her, she has expressed how annoying she finds it that her ex-boyfriend is still friends with a few of them. She also mentions how he doesn't give her credit for this or doesn't acknowledge this, that she wishes these friends would 'choose her', and has actually gotten a few of them to say that she is their priority over him. Some of these friends just don't hang out with him at all because of what she has said to them, multiple people. So I have I think internalized her perception that these people are 'hers', as well as her perception that these people are 'flaky' and that she never knows if they like her, which I think I also internalized as well, without ever having experienced this with them myself. And so haven't pursued a deeper friendship with any of them even-though I really connect to a few of them and would like to. Though to this point as well, I often deferred to my friend for social connections as I don't have social media and she will have to be the one to tell me if there's an event with these people, also I have alot of social anxiety. And so I didn't want to do anything to prevent her from 'letting me' hang out with her and these people.

Additionally, I am recalling numerous instances where it seemed like she was trying to get me to agree with her perception of certain peoples behavior, extrapolating meaning from things I didn't notice or weren't there, I guess though I didn't always agree with her, her perceptions did put doubt in my mind about these people or my own experience with these people.

I am scared I have been one of her flying monkey's though I'm also scared my perception of this is just a way to obscure fault in my own behavior. I do believe my poor emotional boundaries, codependent tendencies, my soft spot for struggling women, has led me to take on the emotions she portrays to me.

I am becoming more and more uneasy the more I think about this stuff. It's difficult because I still have good memories with her. Sorry this is a bit of a venting post, I am wary of talking about this with my other friends as I don't know if my perceptions of her are correct and am afraid of speaking ill of her without knowing.

[notrightinthehead]

Keepmoving, you write that you have a caretaker personality and suffer with social anxiety. I can relate to this. People like us tend to put a lot of thought and effort into speculating about thoughts and motives of other people. We wonder about their behavior and random rules, and we obey their rules, even if they don't make sense or are not beneficial for us.
Of course we learn by observing other people's behavior and then comparing that with our own and our values. But ultimately our goal must be to work ourselves.
Does loyalty to this friend prevent you from interacting with people you want to befriend? Does she behave in a way you wish to copy? Do you know when you freely caretake another person and when you feel taken advantage of? Do you have a way of setting good boundaries?
The earlier you decide to work on your own progress, the less time you will waste on trying to get into the mind of another person.

[keepmoving]

I think the thing I really struggle with, is when I talk to someone about how something made me feel, if their explanation is because of their trauma or something, which could be true or could be a way to manipulate me, I tend to put my own feelings aside to make them feel better.

Does loyalty to this friend prevent you from interacting with people you want to befriend? Does she behave in a way you wish to copy? Do you know when you freely caretake another person and when you feel taken advantage of? Do you have a way of setting good boundaries?

These are all really good questions. Yes my 'loyalty', or rather my desire not to have her get mad at me, prevents me from reaching out to certain people. She does not behave in a way I wish to copy. I guess I know when I am being caring when it hasn't been elicited out of me, whereas when I'm being taken advantage of I am behaving a certain way because I have been made to feel guilty or that I am not being a good friend for doing/not doing a certain thing. I don't know it's confusing because I have empathy for her but what she gets angry at I can't always understand and so it makes me feel like I'm defective for not understanding or am uncaring because I didn't know not to do something. But upon reflection she doesn't always follow her own rules or things she said are fine are now not fine and then they reverse again. It's all to do with how she's feeling. So yes I need to focus on myself but sometimes my empathy is like warped by her reasoning, I'm like "oh ok well I don't want to do anything to hurt someone so I'll just not do what they want me to do."

I'll keep trying to focus on my own progress, thank you for your reply.

[Cat of the Canals]

Many years ago, I had a close friend/roommate I suspect had borderline personality disorder. A LOT of the behavior you described is eerily familiar: the possessiveness/jealousy, the caretaking demands, the histrionic suicide threats, the "you're picking X over me" type games, acting generous one moment and then suddenly becoming resentful over who paid for what and whether it was equal.

The relationship ended in a total disaster. She got angry one night when I wasn't there and destroyed our dorm room and smashed my laptop. We moved out and literally never spoke again. The messed up thing is I still feel guilty for "failing" to help her more/not being a better friend, even though I know there was nothing more I could have done (At one point, I literally forced her to see one of the school counselors and begged her parents to get her into therapy because of the self-harm). But I'm a codependent people-pleaser at heart, so we were a match made in hell. She was always going to find something wrong, and I was always going to try to fix it.

[Aingeal]

It almost sounds like some kind of passive aggressive attempt at controlling you.  I also have a caretaker personality and my niece took full advantage of that. She may have a personality disorder.  I receive the silent treatment when I don't cater to her - simple things really - going to a family event for example: niece can ignore everyone or control what time we arrive/leave.  If I have an event after the family one I offer to drive her there and my cousin or Mom will take her home (already secured a ride for her) surprise! Not good enough - my niece will go but make all suffer for no reason (i.e. sulking, not speaking or just one word answers so we know she's mad).  I don't understand it, I'm driving her, attending with her but can't stay the whole party or whatever and arranged transportation home so she won't miss out.

My family says I do too much for niece as it is and she treats me like dirt.  We were going to a class nearby and she couldn't make one night and I didn't end up going because I was so tired after work.  Well niece lit up like a Christmas tree - so happy I didn't go when she couldn't - a HUGE smile.  That's when I knew something was wrong - I didn't know what but something was off. 

Niece ALWAYS had a way of trying to control me - why ?? I don't know.  Always manipulative.  I began self care and not enabling as much and the niece I always helped and well, fawned and FOGged just to get along stopped speaking to me.  In retrospect it was a one sided relationship anyway.  I just didn't realize it until I started working on myself and listening to therapists on YouTube etc. that I could finally see the problem (and my problem with enabling, caretaking, people pleasing, lack of boundaries etc. etc.)

Please take care of yourself and watch for red flags

[keepmoving]

The messed up thing is I still feel guilty for "failing" to help her more/not being a better friend, even though I know there was nothing more I could have done (At one point, I literally forced her to see one of the school counselors and begged her parents to get her into therapy because of the self-harm).

I really relate to the feeling of guilt. About a month after her 'suicide attempt' I shared with her that I had been feeling distant because of how she initially told me she had take a bunch of pills and then passed out on me and then later woke up and said she hadn't taken them, that she was a p*ssy for not taking them. I told her that made me feel distrust towards her because it made me doubt what she was saying was real. I feel guilty but at the same time, I think it was valid for me to say I didn't appreciate being lied to. I didn't even ask for her to change or for an apology I just said I'd need time to rebuild trust. Now she has been avoiding our apartment, has told our mutual friend that I said I 'need space' (which is not what I said), told her she felt completely rejected by me telling her this.

We were going to a class nearby and she couldn't make one night and I didn't end up going because I was so tired after work.  Well niece lit up like a Christmas tree - so happy I didn't go when she couldn't - a HUGE smile.  That's when I knew something was wrong - I didn't know what but something was off. 

This is eerily familiar to me also. Strange happiness when something she desires happens, it may have nothing to do with her, but she thinks it does.

I am trying to focus on myself but I'm realizing just how isolated I've made myself through this friendship. I only have maybe two close friends other than her. I worry I don't have the strength to build my life. I am no contact with my FOO as well, I've really been feeling the weight of my own isolation right now, my anxiety has been put on high alert. But I have recently joined a gym and there seem to be a good number of nice people there, so maybe I can start socializing around a shared interest. I have a loud inner critic when doing physical things in front of other people, unless I am very good at it. This could be an opportunity for me to practice gentleness with myself. Thank you all for your replies, it is helpful to know other people have made it through similar situations.