square embraces inner ostrich

[SonofThunder]

Way to stay on it Square!  You are being that squeaky wheel and thats normally the one that gets the grease!  Keep squeaking!

SoT

[square]

I'm not doing well, guys. I emailed the women's center instead of calling because I have no privacy. Do not want to tell DD anything yet. I got an autoresponder so I know it went through, but no actual response.

Great women's center, right? I had called them years ago when things were really really bad, and they were worse than useless. I had told them they could not call me. They called me, when my husband was home, and left a message identifying themselves. Thankfully my husband has made a career out of ignoring the phone (avoiding his mother). I chewed the lady out when I called back, and she was like a child who knew she screwed up but didn't really want to admit it. So that was the end of that.

I'm having trouble with this housing thing, and I have decided I will focus on financial seperation first. It's really urgent. I will set up seperate credit cards for me and H, and open a new bank account for myself. I realize that I'm still legally on the hook for his expenses but I do not expect him to try to screw me over in that regard. I want to have control over my own income and expenses, and he can either try to live on his own income or run up his debt.

One thing I have not decided yet is whether I'm going to try to sell this as a way we are just going to try to budget, or just say we're done and I'm trying to move out but it will take a while.

Obviously saying we're done opens a whole can of worms. But I'm not sure if I can sell the other idea, if he is suspicious he'll likely wear me down. I'm a terrible liar and don't have the energy to keep it up for long. I'd rather be up front than try to play a game and get caught.

Scared to actually start getting the credit cards and bank account, will set things in motion that I will be forced to address. I don't have access to the mail, for example, so I have to discuss the credit cards that will come.

I need to involve DD in the bank account but I can tell her the cover story whether I decide to try it with H or not. (Because I need her to drive me and take me into the bank).

[Poison Ivy]

I think it's wise to separate your finances in these ways. FWIW, I set up a separate checking account long before I filed for divorce (i.e., five or six years), and I didn't consider the divorce to be a done deal or a sure thing until I filed for divorce. I sincerely hoped that the combination of separate finances and anything that occurred during the passage of time would be enough to make me think, "I can bear to stay in this marriage." Having separate finances provided me with some protection, although ultimately I decided I was still worried about my husband's financial neglect and possible misdeeds, and thus I proceeded to divorce.

[square]

Thanks, PI, that is helpful and sensible. I will proceed accordingly.

Gotta say, I feel a physical reaction when I think about actually picking up the phone and calling the credit card company.

Well, bravery isn't lack of fear, but feeling fear and doing it anyway.

[Poison Ivy]

You're right about bravery!

[Cat of the Canals]

I use an online-only bank (Ally), if that's an option for you. Their customer service has always been excellent. Also I can use any ATM to get cash, and they will reimburse the fee (up to like 4 or 5 times a month, I believe).

[square]

That is interesting, CotC. I'll consider it. Thank uou.

[SeaBreeze]

A few credit cards are digital only these days (such as my PayPal credit card). As for physical credit cards, if you can at least intercept or explain away that initial mailing of the actual card, you can choose paperless billing from there so your H won't see the statements.

[square]

Thanks, but my plan is to give one to him. The card we use is in my name. I want him to stop using it.

He could be responsible for getting his own but he is not functional and my preference is to keep rolling along like everything is okay until I have a place to move into.

So I'm just hoping to hand him a card (or rather just tell him to check the mail for it) and say it's easier for us to budget that way. Which is the truth anyway.

I plan to do an online application for him and for me tonight. Technically I shouldn't apply for him but I'm not using it.

50-50 he'll take it with no issues vs be suspicious and angry. No way to predict, really. My goal is to have everything set up to start March clean. I'll keep the old card just for certain shared bills like internet, and we can split them.

[square]

It's kind of funny how I'm built. I avoid conflict. Afraid of it.

But if my fear is realized and we're having conflict? I'm not going to keep backing into the corner. If we're going to argue, then let's go.

So I'm picturing bringing up the subject to H - feel very scared.

Picturing we're already in the convo and he balks at handing over the current credit card? Oh, babe. You want to play it that way, fine, I'll just cancel the card and you can frame that little bit of plastic if you want. And any other objections, I will shred.

Yet I'm the one afraid to get into it, not him.

[square]

Man, am I striking out.

I applied to a card I have and like, for him. Denied. Then remembered he has an account but goodness knows where the card is. Can't log in and request a new one for him without two factor authorization. And I'm committed cause it said they will mail a letter of denial. Sigh.

I picked another card that looked good. Completed the online application. Hit submit. It said there was a technical error, try again later.

I waited a bit and filled it out again. It seemed to be processing and then it gave another error. Said it might not have gone through. Please wait 24 hours then call this number.

Ugh! I can't be making this call. If it was denied, just tell me, I can make another plan. Now I'm in limbo. Don't want to apply for another card if this one will get processed. Don't have access to mail so can't just keep an eye out. And don't want to wait and see and sink further.

I think I'm just going to have to have this talk with him and tell him he needs to figure out a card himself, and that I did apply but it's not working out. Maybe he already has one. So I need to ask him what he has and tell him to give me the one (or more) that are mine.

It's not going to go that great, at best, and might go badly, but gotta do this this.

He should be afraid of me, not the other way around. He should be feeling lucky I'm not gone.

Okay, I'm gonna have this talk. Either Sunday or Wednesday.

[square]

By the way, I assume the first denial was just due to already having that card.

As far as I know, his credit should be just fine. Low income but decades of perfect payment history. Let's hope there isn't something I don't know about. I handle all the finances so if thereis something else.. well, if there is something else I'm just going to tell him game over, divorce, he can deal with it. I do not expect he will try to stick me with it.

[square]

If he wants to be mad, TOO BAD.

I'm tired of being afraid of setting him off.

This has to end. I've ridden on the Crazy Train far too long.

[Cascade]

Square, does he have any credit cards in his name? If not, you could tell him it's important for everyone to have a credit card in their own name. I hope your conversation goes as smoothly as possible.

[escapingman]

Square, I understand where you are coming from and your desire to try to manage the situation and your H. But, you can't control the situation, you can't control how your H will act and react. I would recommend you focus 100% on you and do what is best for you. Why don't you just remove him from your credit card and tell him to get his own, end of story. You will have to face your own guilt and fear, but you can do this, I know you are strong. Is it any chance he could be violent? If so, then it gets trickier.

I am sending you lots of good wishes and virtual hugs, you are much stronger than you think.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's kind of funny how I'm built. I avoid conflict. Afraid of it.

But if my fear is realized and we're having conflict? I'm not going to keep backing into the corner. If we're going to argue, then let's go.

So I'm picturing bringing up the subject to H - feel very scared.

Picturing we're already in the convo and he balks at handing over the current credit card? Oh, babe. You want to play it that way, fine, I'll just cancel the card and you can frame that little bit of plastic if you want. And any other objections, I will shred.

Yet I'm the one afraid to get into it, not him.

I am the same way. Avoid conflict like nobody's business, especially with my PDmom and PDmil. But I'm not the one with anything to lose. I don't necessarily want to go NC, but if push came to shove, I would. And it won't bother me nearly as much as it would bother them. They have so little power in the relationship, but the scared child version of me still doesn't quite grasp that.

There's an additional element with my PDmil, in that I get the sense she enjoys conflict. She would LOVE to get into a big heated argument. And that goes against my grey rock instincts.

[square]

Cascade, thank you. I do plan to ask if he has any ccs in his name. He may or may not. He is super disorganized so a good possibility is that he has one but doesn't know where. But the companies often overnight you a replacement so he can just deal with it.

EM, thanks for the pep talk. I will feel fear but no guilt. My reason for trying to sort the cc for him was simply because he is so nonfunctional it seemed like it would be way easier to spend ten minutes getting him a damn card than dealing with the fallout of him having no card and struggling to get one, and having no food in he meantime. He is low functioning. But I'm just goingto grab the bull by the horns. Screw it.

CotC, I know some people love conflict, makes me shudder to think what could make that be so.
And yeah, I can relate about avoiding conflict even when I have the upper hand - which is usually the case.

I think for me it's about an autoimmune condition I have. Being upset causes some strong physical symptoms in me. My blood pressure drops noticably, my heart pounds, I feel nauseous. And it takes a long time to recover even when the conflict is resolved - a day.

So I pay a big price being upset. My H dislikes conflict but his physical reactions are not as strong, and ge recovers quicker physically (not mentally though).

Maybe I can try ways of managing symptoms better, such as taking ibuprofen and a beta blocker before the convo. Would be interesting to see if it helps at all.

[square]

MENTAL NOTE: Always take a beta blocker before having a scary conversation.

It's not simply that I was more physically comfortable. Usually when I am scared, I lose my ability to keep things straight in my mind, and my verbal skills suffer a bit. And that can lead o disaster if I don't stay sharp. I've blundered before. 

I took a beta blocker and was sharp the entire time.

It's settled. Finances will be seperated. He will figure out his credit card situation asap. If he doesn't, I'm still going to have him hand over the card to my account in a few days to start clean in March.

He was 95% rational about it but would occasionally break into an emotional stance, but I parried it all and pushed it back onto the rational track. And for his part, he kept it together.

I still have big problems but this was a major hurdle, gonna take the W and sleep a bit better tonight - I hope.

[_firewalker_]

Well done, square! Definitely take the W, that's a huge step forward. One step at a time.

Hope you can get some good sleep tonight.

[Cascade]

Glad it worked out for you Square, way to go!