square embraces inner ostrich

[SonofThunder]

Well done, square! Definitely take the W, that's a huge step forward. One step at a time.

Hope you can get some good sleep tonight.

  +1

SoT

[square]

Last night H behaved unacceptably toward DD. I've been ready to walk but feel so overwhelmed by the logistics, and keep running into tiring barriers.

Prior to last night, I was just going to see how March went financially, as we separated our expenses. I was not able to really tease them out because H makes multiple transactions daily and it's overwhelming to my limited vision to sort out that much data. I had hoped to get a clearer picture.

I had not told DD anything of my plans. For multiple reasons I intended to get my ducks in a row, tell H, then tell DD.

But I did wonder if maybe DD might get on board and help me. She loces her dad but is seriously over his broken promises, our chaotic house due to nonmaintenance, the messes he leaves, his moods, and how everything just drags the whole family down.

Today I told her that what happened last niggt was unacceptable, which she knew. She asked if I would talk to him. She still thinks I can talk sense into him somehow. I said I might or miggt not talk to him, but either way nothing would change. He would either be sorry and it would still happen again or he will be angry and play victim and it would still happen again. She understood that.

I said, "I want to move out." She was kind of taken aback. She asked if it made sense to move out just because of this incident, and I said yes, this alone was not okay, but it wasn't just this incident, it's just the latest in a long list.

She asked how it could even be done what with the financial crunch we're in. I said I wasn't sure but it might not be any more of a fiancial crunch than we are already in.

I got the sense that she wasn't ready to hear more so we moved on to other topics, but I've said it and I assume it'll float around in her brain.

I did not say I've already been trying to leave or that it's been months or even that I really was leaving, only that I wanted to.

I think she would find having an apartment with her mom to be quite ideal. She fantasizes about living in a clean uncluttered environment, where her things aren't used or destroyed, where we don't feel like we want to hide from her dad until he goes to work.

I was very nervous about saying this, but while she did not actually embrace the idea, for some reason my gut is satisfied that I said it. It could have been a huge mistake, but I feel okay about it.

[losingmyself]

Square, you just crossed two major barriers with your finances, and having the talk with your DD! I think it was good to get it out in the open with her, even if you only told her what you needed to at the time.
Congratulations! You're doing great!
My thoughts and prayers are with you in the future as you figure this out!

[square]

Thanks, losingmyself.

There's one day left in the month but I don't think I'll be spending any money tomorrow, so I think I can assess the month financially.

We had been sinking at a rate of $1000 per month out of savings. Splitting the finances suggested I'd be short $500 a month for my half.

I looked for ways to cut but DD pushed back on the few ideas I had. So we ended up spending what weusually do. My ideas would have only saved about $70 anyway, with a pretty big loss in quality of life.

We broke even.

So that means my husband alone has indeed been solely responsible for the huge leak in our budget.

I don't know how he did this month and I'm guessing I will not find out. I do see that suddenly he is stressed about money. Which makes me angry. I have tried several times to talk to him calmly about the bad financial situation we're in, but he just had no interest. I'd ask him if he had any ideas about how we could save money, and he'd just shrug and say something like "I guess I could cut back on beer and maybe spend less on food" but you could tell that he was just answering a question and not making the slightest plan to do anything.

DD said that when he accidentally broke something that he could not get away with not replacing, he kind of panicked abut the cost (about $50) and whined he had no money.

It's irrational but I just feel angry about it. It'sirrational because I prefer this to the alternative, which is that he just spends exactly the same. But I guess I'm angry because I actually prefer he be adamn adult and worked with me on this YEARS AGO when I gave him a heads up and asked him to help me plan for this, or a year before this happened, or when it happened.

It has really sunk in this month how much our comfort and stability is not an US thing but purely ME.

We're a family of three living on $38,000/year. That's pretty lean. And yet, I've set us up so that I (now realizing it was not we but I) bought DD's car with cash last year. That when H massively messed up something last month I (not we, I) had $11k sitting around to fix it. I, not we, had the savings to bleed out $1k/month, month after month. I, not we, have $20k for DD's college, and I'm only ashamed it wasn't more.

I did that.

I am also becoming aware that while H gravely resents me that he has to have a job, he has not only never provided for me, not one dollar, he has also never provided for DD. The only financial benefit I have ever had from him is that, like any roommate, he has many years split housing and utility bills with me. So there is that.

But seven years I was the sole provider of the family. And overall, he has been the one to need to be bailed out - literally, once, and other times he has been in these jams he has never paid back.

He called me a gold digger once.

It was very effective. Because being a gold digger is an absolutely repugnant idea to me. I would do ANYTHING to ensure I was not that. Including, I guess, this COMPLETE INSANITY.

I had dreams of a modest life, owning my own modest home and having a few modest dollars put away. He killed my dream. I can no longer work, and my earnings have mostly been drained away. I'll never own my own home. I'm going to walk away from this one, which is 4 years from being free and clear, seven years early due to MY and not his hard work and planning.

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm just so angry.

[SonofThunder]

Square, you have every right to be angry and my friend, you have been heard. Living with a PD is like paddling upstream in a swift current. 

SoT

[square]

Thanks, SoT.

Yeah, I guess I'm mad

Looking at the math, I'm short living expenses for moving out because the rent will equal my mortgage, but I won't be splitting it. So my breaking even now comes up short with a full rent plus stuff like Internet not being split either. Probably will have a smaller heating bill in an apartment, though.

H would definitely lose the house, which is sad. Unless he moves a girlfriend in. Which, hopefully that's what he does.

The house is four years from being paid off. I would like to just let him have it and ask that when it's paid off, he starts sending me a check for half the amount of the mortgage. So we both would benefit. And if he sells, I get half of the equity at the time of separation, whatever we agree that is.

Just trying to put the puzzle together. I guess I'm starting to see some possibilities. Which is nice to experience again after years of no possible solutions.

[SonofThunder]

" Just trying to put the puzzle together. I guess I'm starting to see some possibilities. Which is nice to experience again after years of no possible solutions."

I understand the puzzle crap. Its tough. In my current experience, law is mostly dictating the way my pieces fit together, as my stbx is attempting to utilize any law possible for max benefit.  Negotiate?? Ha!!  Not happening. 

Love the positivity in your last two sentences.  Stay hopeful! 

SoT

[square]

I actually like putting the pieces together; I like problem-solving.

I really hate the ostrich method. I feel hopeless and helpless. It feels totally counter to my being to simply ignore problems.

But if solving a problem involves my husband at all, I cannot do it.

It's more than the practical, surface issues of the problems themselves. It's like he has cut me off from my own fundamental nature.

I think every day about getting into the housing I applied for. Mentally readying myself for the hard parts (telling him, ending the marriage, the still unsolved financial issues ahead, the practical aspects of moving given my disabilities). But also just dreaming of having control over my own life again, getting rid of this massive weight pulling me down.

[square]

I don't count on my H for anything, and as bad as his record of broken promises has been, somehow it's managed to get worse. His awareness just seems really low and his memory seems honestly brain damaged. He'll agree to a thing and you can tell it just doesn't imprint at all. Kind of like those people where it goes in one ear and right out the other, but it's not the listening that's the issue.

Usually when you state you intend to do something, it passes through the part of your brain that makes plans, but it doesn't for him. I think this is schizophrenic brain damage. Of course he could just be lying about agreeing to things, but he does it even when I'm sure he cares about the consequences. I've seen him frustrated about forgetting things that impacted him directly.

I am now good at assuming anything he says he'll do not only MIGHT not happen but frankly WON'T happen.

He recently agreed to do something that had an emotional component for me. I had not asked this of him before but had my reasons for trying, but expected it would not happen. It did not happen.

But while I always just let everything go (no point in bringing it up, having him explode at me and tell me it's my fault and I'm overreacting etc., and then nothing changing anyway) this time I waited a few days and then asked if he was going to say anything about how he did not do this thing. He just texted back whoops, sorry, forgot. Which was a pretty thin response to the emotional level of the thing. I admit to maybe feeling 10% hurt by that cavalier response, but really not that much. Shrug. And not hurt by the original thing because I expected nothing better. Again, shrug.

But later he texts wanting to know if I was hurt. Well, that just triggers all the frustration in me. If I think I might have hurt someone, I try to apologize. I try to make it up to them.

H focuses on my feelings exclusively. Not his actions. For him, my feelings are the only topic, and they of course are invalid.

Furthermore, when he does apologize, he then moves right into demanding forgiveness. He doesn't worry about making it up to me. He doesn't think about reassuring me or soothing me. He wants me to soothe him. He wants me to tell him it's all fine and I'm happy. I must fix my feelings alone and then fix his feelings.

I've pointed this out to him before but it just frustrates him. He just doesn't get it, at all.

I have absolutely refused to do this anymore. Even though it "causes" a fight. I don't care. If he is that concerned about how I feel, he can do the work. I'm not a demanding person. An apology that feels sincere and a nice hug will do it for me.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry Square. And sadly, I know what you are talking about. I repeat the serenity prayer in my head but sometimes it is just so very hard to accept that how he behaves is beyond your control. 

[Rebel13]

Square, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your process of working through the end of your relationship. I'm so rooting for you and wishing you the best as you sort through all of this.