Anxiety over sister's birthday and other news

[walking on broken glass]

Hello everyone!
It's my sister's birthday tomorrow. I have been thinking about what to do: I was hesitant between calling her and finding an excuse to hang up after a few minutes and not calling but texting her 'happy birthday'. Thinking it through, I realised I don't actually want to have a conversation with her. There hasn't been any communication since I spoke to her over the Christmas holidays and I like it this way. The main reason for calling her in the past had been to gratify my parents who would ask if I spoke to her and would reproach me for just texting. But I am past this point now. So why should I bother? She's always used holidays and birthdays as an excuse to get hold of me and I've always resented it. I will just do what I feel like doing for a change. I bet she will still say 'let me know if you can talk' but I will find an excuse to ward it off.

Anyways... There is one more source of anxiety for me. In a few months I will move to another country to take up a two-year fellowship. Even though I have known about this for a while I did not tell my parents about it because I can't face the third degree questions and all the anxiety. Plus, of course they will tell my sister and she will be all over it, trying to get as much information as she can to undermine my success or taint it somehow. I know the drill and I want to shield myself from it as much as possible. When I do finally tell them, I think I will turn here for support with setting boundaries. One of my worries is that my sis will invite herself to stay with me there because my partner won't be with me and that's the dream for her. To get me alone. I know it is in my power to put boundaries and not put up with ay nonsense but I am still getting really stressed when thinking about all this. Big sigh

[Cat of the Canals]

I know that feeling. I do a lot of overthinking about future "what ifs." It can be helpful, up to a point, and then it's just ruminating.

I've found it most productive to write out my list of boundaries in terms of what information I'm willing to share. Perhaps that means telling her you'll be going to this other place, but being vague about dates. Play dumb. "Oh, I can't remember the dates just now. Brain fart!" If she doesn't know WHEN you'll be there, it'll be harder for her to make plans to invite herself. Maybe you could also leave out that your partner won't be with you. Don't offer that information. If she asks, you can ignore the question and move onto something else. Or be vague/play dumb again. "Oh, we're still discussing how that will all work."

Having a list of "brush off" answers at the ready for whenever an intrusive question comes up has also helped me:
"I don't remember just now."
"We're still figuring that out."
"Not sure yet."
"I don't know. I'll have to get back to you." (The silent part of this is: in ten years.  )
"Why do you ask?" (and then whatever their answer is, don't respond to the original question. "Oh, I just remembered I've been meaning to ask if you've seen the new ____ movie?)

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, cat of the canals! That's very useful advice. I have to remind myself that I don't have to be 100% forthcoming...

[walking on broken glass]

I have decided on an eCard for sister's birthday. Hopefully this will limit our interaction. Fingers crossed!

[walking on broken glass]

My parents sent me a parcel last week. They put in it two scarves that my sis had got me as Christmas presents (she arrived at my parents' immediately after I left, so we missed each other). Now she'd made sure to show me these scarves on skype, making a big deal out of them, and having my mum there as an enabler to talk her up and say how amazing the presents are etc. I saw them, I marvelled, I thanked her. My mum said she would send them over by post - and she did last week, with some other things from her and my dad. When I received the parcel, I thought that both my sis and my parents would expect me to get in touch with sis and say how nice the scarves are from up close. I didn't feel like doing it. I haven't been in touch with her since Christmas and I managed not to interact with her over her birthday. I like the peace and quiet. If I got in touch, who knows what this would lead to.

I spoke to my mum yesterday and she asked me if I received the stuff and if I liked the presents. I said 'yes, they are very nice'. She said 'why don't you get in touch with your sister then to tell her? She will be very pleased to hear it'. I said 'oh, I already thanked her online at Christmas'. 'But it's different now that you have received them in person'. I just went mmm and changed the subject. I do not plan to message sis. I am sorry that my mum is hurt over this (I bet she also has to listen to my sis complain) but it is ridiculous to write to sis because my mum told me 'it is good manners'. So much infantilization!