Possible Family Reunion

[Big Bear]

Greetings Out of the FOG community,

      I have a decision to make coming up and I would like your honest feedback.  I am really torn about what to do for this. 

      So, my grandmother is currently 99 years old.  As long as she continues living, she may celebrate her 100th birthday this year.  She has slowed down physically but is alert mentally and her personality is still intact.  She even sent a Christmas letter out last year!  Also, she has sent me a birthday card every year for as long as I can remember.  Last year was no exception.  I get along well with her and have stayed in touch over the years.  We call each other every once in a while, about once a year.  I have done a couple of video calls with my kids so that they could "meet" her.  She does live on the other side of the country, so the last time I went to visit her in person was 15 years ago. 

      My uncle and aunt are planning for her 100th birthday party.  Not surprisingly, all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren are invited.  My father has even offered to cover the travel expenses for me, my wife and kids.  There is even a house nearby that we could stay in for free.  So, it would essentially be a free vacation / family reunion.

      This is where the dilemma comes in.  While I am on good terms with my grandmother, things are difficult between me and my closer family members.  When it comes to my nuclear family of origin (FOO), I try to deal with them just one or two at a time.  I have found that this is much better for me.  When they all get together, there are some negative dynamics that play out.  This stems from the two key personality disorders in my FOO:

      First, I believe that my mother is a passive-aggressive covert narcissist.  Second, I am convinced that my sister is a wounded-grandiose narcissist.    You can use your imagination and think about where that could lead.    Whenever they are together, conflict seems to be brewing just under the surface.  In the past, narcissistic outbursts have erupted when we were all together.  Even when overt conflict doesn't occur, there are negative behaviors and attitudes that I have chosen to avoid in order to protect my peace.  Suffice it to stay that I have deliberately avoided all family reunions for over five years.  In fact, I have had no in-person contact with my sister during that five-year period.  The only direct contact I had with her during those five years was one holiday video call a few years ago. 

      So, now you can understand my dilemma.  On the one hand, I would like to have the opportunity to honor my grandmother and say good-bye to her in person.  On the other, this would involve going against my conviction to avoid family reunions and the potentially toxic interactions that could occur.  The good side is that my family of choice would have our own house and rental vehicle.  Other family members would have their own housing / hotel accommodations.  So, we could have an "escape" if that would be necessary.  Also, although I am distant with almost all of my cousins, I don't have any issues with them.  So, having other people around could help dilute the situation. 

      My dad has asked me what dates I would plan to be there.  So far, I have said that we are thinking about coming, but I am not able to commit to specific dates yet.  I would need to receive approval from my job for time-off first.  Also, and more importantly, I'm not sure if I'm even going.  As I've thought about this over the past few days, I have not had peace about this trip. 

      What advice do you have to share?  Is there anything else I should consider?  I would like to hear from you as I think through this decision.  Thanks so much.   

Truly,
Big Bear

[Srcyu]

Hello,
She's done well to live that long! Must have, 'the heart and lungs of an ox' as my old family doctor used to say about my grandmother.

Big decision to be made about whether or not to attend her 100th birthday celebration. Personally, I have a slight niggle about everything being paid for including the house where you would stay. This generosity could possibly lead to the payer(s) feeling that they have full control over the situation and your family while you are there. I'm wonder if the free house has more than one set of keys and if the payer(s) will expect to just let themselves in when they want.

Ultimately, I would go along with whatever my chosen family would prefer to do.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

How lovely your grandmother is 99 and making plans for 100. Wow! 

I do not have any wise advice since I am still finding my best way to navigate such events. What does come to mind clearly though is "strong boundaries".   
   
Sometimes family occasions where several people gather over a few days can leave a lot of unstructured time where the door is open for people to sort of insert themselves around you. There can also be many unspoken expectations about how available you will be to them. Having a pre-planned exit strategy is good along with a few quick one-liners to walk away quickly as needed. I wonder if having your own space to return to at the end of the day would also be helpful and offer respite and "down time".   

I believe whatever you want to do is alright. Awareness and maintaining boundaries can be a life-saver during these occasions.   

[lkdrymom]

Would you be able to go a week before or after the planned reunion/party? This way you can avoid your sister and maybe grandma won't be so overwhelmed with so many people around and you can have a real visit with her.

[LemonLime]

I have similar situations in my family, with my uPD sib being the main "problem".

A wise person on this forum suggested I use the most recent family get-together as a place to practice my new boundaries.  I did, and it was great advice.  I practiced them, I did a pretty good job, I made mistakes, and I gained an enormous amount of confidence in myself.  Also, I seem to have repelled the narc, who saw that I was no longer going to be their supply.  Bonus!   It was painful to see how they didn't care about me once I was of no use to them.  But the Bandaid has been ripped off, and now I can start really grieving.

I hope this might help.  I understand.  I really do.
Agree with the advice to have lots of one-liners ready.  And also your running shoes so you can take a quick solitary walk whenever it's getting the least bit heated.
A car, running shoes with a raincoat, your pocketbook and an escape plan are essential in these situations.  And of course a quiet place of your own to isolate/sleep is also needed.
And a clear promise to yourself that no matter how awkward it might be, you will step immediately out of any conversation that has even a whiff of going down the wrong path.  Just leave the conversation immediately. 
And avoid being alone with any one person, in order to minimize the chances of any abuse in the first place.  Those things have saved me.