DH can’t understand how his children are FUBAR?!!!!

[a worker at arkham asylum]

For those who are not familiar with military slang, FUBAR means fucked up beyond all repair (or recognition)

Urban Dictionary's example: The guy has been 'cage fighting' for the last decade! It's little wonder his face is FUBAR! His mother probably has to sniff him to recognize him as her baby!

For seven years, the total time I've known him, DH has followed a consistent pattern.

Whenever reality becomes too overwhelming to ignore, when all avenues of denial, like a tsunami, wash away all of the sand around DH's head and neck, DH will express regret over something he has significantly contributed to. It's his FUBAR moment.  But it never lasts.

DH to me:

"I can't understand why my virginal, sweet, and innocent daughter is in a college society that values sex, drugs, and partying. Her pictures from this college sorority look like an advertisement ad for the Coyote Ranch Brothel. It's her evil mother who is twisting my daughter's arm to do these things! I'm the victim in this situation – why do I have a daughter like this?"

Fun facts, DH:

True. Her mother sexualized her – but while all of this was going on, you stood back and stuck your head in the sand about it. You didn't want to see it.

Oh, no, DH...your oldest daughter, at age thirteen years old, was having sex. And you looked the other way.
"I can't understand why my daughter, who is in a college whore house, just wants to be a waitress and not get an internship like her cousins."

Fun facts, DH:

As for the children of your brothers and sister? They married people who were stable and valued education. 

True. Her mother valued partying and drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll over academics. But when you were dating that woman, the future BM of your children, she TOLD YOU about her wild past – but you STILL married and bred with that woman.

"Why do my kids hate me so? I was nothing but good to them!"

Fun Fact DH:

In the seven years I have lived with you, you have shown me you have no empathy. When you tell your kids:

"I'm glad your mother left because now I have a better woman."

"Your mother had no redeemable qualities, and I'm glad she left."

Comment: News flash, DH, these statements will not endear your children to you or me!

Please note that DH's oldest daughter has a severe tree nut allergy. Exposure to tree nuts means a definite trip to the emergency room for her.

DH to his oldest daughter:

"Hey! Why can't you eat these nuts – maybe you aren't allergic to them anymore. Here, eat these nuts!"
DH's youngest daughter is a BPD – she's highly sensitive to criticism. This young woman cuts and starves herself, so what does DH say to her:

"Don't eat that – you don't want to be FAT like your mother?"

"I'm tired of parenthood! Tired, I tell you – tired, just tired! Because of your crazy mother, she made parenting you and your sister – HELL.  If you want to go to your mother's – please do so!"

Fun Facts, DH:

All true. The ex-wife is morbidly obese, and she has practiced parental alienation – but you, DH, because of your lack of empathy, gave that woman some good ammo over the years.

Now, his youngest daughter is not pleasant to be around, and she's definitively a BPD – And I am a latecomer- a front-row seat to the train wreck. I know the reasons why these kids are the way they are.

Yesterday, after taking his youngest daughter to her therapist – the one who believes Ted Bundy was a 'good person' because ethics are 'relative' (you know) DH came to me and lamented.

"You must live a long time. You are the only one who loves me. My kids hate me!"

He goes on to list all of their issues, and he did it better than I could have done:
Oldest daughter:

She is a somatic narcissist who values looks, status, and herself over everything else. Shallow and an entitlement queen, just like her mother – she's a user and taker.

She's probably a waitress because it's easy to access Coke. If anyone doesn't know, the service industry is notorious when it comes to cocaine use.

Youngest daughter:

Gender confused – will probably do transgender surgery after she's eighteen.

She's also an entitlement queen, big time.  This one will probably be a squatter- and live with us until we either go into a witness protection program or Daddy-cakes can't use denial anymore and finally kicks her out– because no one will put up with her insufferable attitude. I'm afraid she's not going to launch.

His youngest daughter is here because he gives her no chores or rules, and she has me as her cook.  It's a one-sided relationship because she gives us nothing in return. She doesn't even give her father or me birthday or Christmas presents – not even a card. The entitlement is strong in this one. 

I tell DH that his youngest daughter is here to spy and squat, but he doesn't believe me until his rose-colored glasses fall off his face. She always sides with her mother when issues arise, but DH thinks she's here because she 'loves' him. Ha!

I asked DH several times to assign her chores and responsibilities, and he said he wants 'his princess" to focus on school. He doesn't want to 'pressure her.'  Oh, DH, your daughter is barely passing only because you yell and scream at her. This one tested above-average intelligence but is the laziest person I ever met. 

I listened to DH's pity party – I let him ramble on but knew what was coming...

DH didn't disappoint me. Before he went to work this morning, he adjusted his rose-colored glasses, ensured they were securely on, and said, "I was just under pressure last night; I really didn't mean what I said – I was too harsh on [my youngest daughter]."
Just when I thought there was hope for this strange man...he always does this.  He once again proves that he is sane and can see reality – but then, he digs a hole and puts his head back in the sand.

One thing I learned is that personality-disordered people pass on the disorder because of their lack of empathy and their denial. When two narcissists breed, the kids don't have a chance! 

[Srcyu]

Hello,
I'm glad you explained what FUBAR is. Thought for a moment there that I'd come across another spam post.
Your post is extremely insightful and knowledgeable. I enjoyed reading it purely because of your skilful and humorous observations.
He doesn't deserve you.

[square]

I had some concerns about potential fleas, including derision, name calling, pedantry, bragging, and an absolute surety in diagnosing other people.

Just something to consider.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Starboard Song]

arkham,

That's quite an inventory of disfunction. I find it hard to tell which lines are you or your DH speaking, but either way the picture is painted. Where you are is always a good place to start, trying to just observe and understand the situation.

The 50% Rule is tough medicine, telling us that unless we are coerced we are responsible for half of what goes on in any relationship: our half. Our Toolbox has tons of great tactics for managing and thinking about these situations in a healthy way that helps us emerge safely. I also encourage you to check out our Recommended Reading, for the other important half of this journey: healing.

Good strength to you.

[Starboard Song]

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