Coming Here To Get Some Flea Powder

[a worker at arkham asylum]

Thank you for the feedback on my previous post; I humbly accept it as it reflects on me. I joined this platform to learn and share experiences with others in similar situations. It was not my intention to offend anyone.

Regarding the accusation of 'bragging,' ( ) the only instance that comes to mind is when my Dear Husband (DH) was trying to shower me with affection while simultaneously venting and portraying himself as the victim in matters concerning his daughter. If it came across as bragging, please believe that was not my intention.

Looking through the Toolbox, I came across these topics which opened my eyes:


An Amateur Diagnosis.

Rather than expressing my belief that my DH is a narcissist (based on the principle of "if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck"), I should focus on describing his behavior directly.

For instance, when he shares the unkind things he says to his daughters and me, I ought to articulate how it affects my feelings and observe its impact on his daughters rather than conclude he lacks empathy and shouts it from the rooftop.

Anger

You feel anger when you don't get what you think you deserve. Non-PDs often feel a sense of anger over past abuses, an uncertain future outlook, unequal burden-sharing, and persistent denial of their personal needs.

I find myself feeling extremely overwhelmed and angry due to my DH's behavior, as it seems more productive to talk to a brick wall than to get him to recognize how his actions affect others.

This is precisely why I wrote things in my previous post that I wish I could convey to DH and hope for him to change- but, I know he won't.
Realizing I have Fleas.

Lastly, thank you for pointing out that I have 'fleas.' I understand the origin of where these 'fleas' came from initially. However, now, they are my issues to address and change in my challenging family situation.

Reference:

Fleas

When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder, this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas."

Fleas come from the adage, "Lie down with dogs, and you are bound to get fleas."

Sometimes, when a person has been exposed to an abusive situation for a sustained period, they will look for ways to escape - and sometimes, they will experiment or resort to behaviors that are not characteristic but serve as a mechanism to demonstrate their anger.

These behaviors are often destructive and counter-productive and rarely get the abuse victim what they want. These behaviors usually result in regret, shame, and apologies from the abuse victim towards their perpetrator. Some perpetrators may seize on such incidents as justification for their abusive behavior or as a diversion from it.

What TO do

Learn all you can about personality disorders and the abusive cycle.

Get a support network where you can discuss things that concern you without feeling judged.

Work on setting Boundaries that will help you escape the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness.

Take along a friend or therapist if appropriate and confront the behaviors of your abuser in an assertive rather than an aggressive way.

Promptly remove yourself and any innocent children from any verbally or physically abusive situations.

[Poison Ivy]

Is there any possibility that you can remove yourself from the abusive behaviors and situations? They sound terrible.

[a worker at arkham asylum]

Short answer – no.

Long answer – I'm a 60-year-old who has no money, no job, and I'm in poor health, and I'm disabled with no family or friends. 
The good news is that I have a roof over my head and food.

Sometimes, life puts you in situations where you either grow or die. I'm in one of these situations.

I'm working on a project so I can have some income later.

Sometimes, the most compassionate act one can offer another is simply accepting them where they are. Offering advice is easy, but acting requires effort. For instance, my late uncle was aware of my situation and advised me to leave, yet he offered no assistance. He was also the kind of person who enjoyed gossiping and took pleasure in seeing others in difficult situations. Shortly before he passed away, I chose to cut off contact with him.

Considering my health issues, maintaining medical insurance is crucial, and currently, I have the necessary coverage.

The way I see it, the world is filled with personality disorders. If I don't learn how to manage this situation effectively, there's no reason to believe the next one will be any better.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you're stuck in the place. I admire you for working on a project that might give you income and for learning to manage the situation.

When I was married, I had a plan for ending the marriage. It took years, and a lot of it depended on me becoming financially self-sufficient. I was forced into becoming emotionally and physically self-sufficient; my then husband was not abusive but he did withdraw as a partner, parent to our children, and keeper of the house.

[a worker at arkham asylum]

Poison Ivy wrote:

I'm sorry you're stuck in the place. I admire you for working on a project that might give you income and for learning to manage the situation.

When I was married, I had a plan for ending the marriage. It took years, and a lot of it depended on me becoming financially self-sufficient. I was forced into becoming emotionally and physically self-sufficient; my then husband was not abusive but he did withdraw as a partner, parent to our children, and keeper of the house.

My response:

Wow, that's truly remarkable! It sounds like you've faced some tough challenges but persevered and emerged stronger. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I imagine you've gained a lot of insight and wisdom along the way!





 

[a worker at arkham asylum]

Moglow,
I like you!  You made me smile, today! 

Poison Ivy,
You make me want to read your posts for the wisdom you learned from your struggles!  I respect you!

[square]

Sometimes, life puts you in situations where you either grow or die. I'm in one of these situations.

While I can't say for sure that I would choose this path if I had a chance at a re-do, given that I am where I am, growing as a person has definitely been a very rewarding experience and I value it very highly.

Sometimes, the most compassionate act one can offer another is simply accepting them where they are.

I do believe that as well. But that does include good boundaries.


We are a mix of black and white and gray thinkers. I am a very gray thinker. Both types have things to offer.

Read around some more and get a feel for things. This community has a significant background of experience and insight. There is a particular culture that helps us achieve that. I personally have a quirky sense of humor but rarely share it because it may not come across the way I intend it. So it's better to listen, learn, and state our observations as just that, our observations. Some really amazing people here.