PD parents don't want to help you financially

[mary_poppins]

Just noticed a weird trait of PD parents-at least of my PD parents. Whenever I struggle with money, they don't seem to want to help me. Sometimes I ask my PD mom for $10 or 20 and whenever I do that it's as if I asked for money for a downpayment for my home She puffs and huffs and complains about giving me money. She eventually gives in but shows her displeasure for what she's doing (god forbid helping your only daughter, lol).

I'm without a job now because my last job got me sick (learned my lesson) so now I am looking for a different job that doesn't involve dealing with sick people. My PD mom doesn't understand this and has no compassion for my financial struggles. She thinks it should be easy to get a job in a field you have no experience and no qualifications for. My mom is also without a job and has never tried to even look for one for 20 years but she holds me to high standards while she's living off her government money.

Anyway, none of my parents ever gave me money. It is weird. One time they 'loaned' me $1500 and, when I had to pay them back, they added $1500 for their expenses so, instead of paying them 1500, I had to pay them 3000, lol. Was so shocked when I realized what they have done. They also got some bank loans in my name so I think they messed up my credit score (I never took a bank loan).

I think what I wanted to say here is that, PD parents will not help you financially because they get pleasure from seeing you struggle to keep your head above water level. Or they may give you 20 or 50 bucks here and there to have something from them-but they make sure the sum is not going to help you in any major way. This is so mean and manipulative.

Would like to hear yout throughts about this topic-if this happened to you as well. I know that some people have PD parents who lavish them with money/gifts but who have a hidden agenda behind it. I rather they lavished me with money that had a hidden agenda behind it than use my financial struggles to mock me and gain joy from my struggles.

[NarcKiddo]

I have the opposite.

My mother believes that everyone in the world wants only money and that she will have control over them with her money.

She is not ungenerous and can spend a fair bit on gifts. They are always things she would like herself and are rarely things the recipient enjoys or likes. Money-wise she is always trying to swoop in and give help if she thinks it is needed. In return she expects you to dance to her tune completely and utterly. The help is always given so that the family "face" is maintained and everyone outside the family can suppose all members are doing marvellously, because that reflects well on her. Plus everyone inside the family can glory in what a wonderful person she is. She will give financial help or gifts to persons outside the family if she thinks it will further her interests. Strings are always attached.

I have every sympathy for your position, which is very unpleasant. But I would rather die in a ditch than ask for money from my mother. I will accept anything given as a gift and do not consider myself morally obliged to dance to her tune. But ongoing "help" like she gave to my sister when she had employment problems - nope. The price would be too high for me.

The sad truth is that PD parents always find ways to harm and damage.

[moglow]

Honestly I don't find it weird at all that parents don't hand over money, quite the opposite. I didn't have that growing up and certainly don't expect it as an adult. I've done without many a time because I refuse to ask her for anything and didn't want to accept what she offered. One of my worst fears is being dependent on that woman, or anyone else really, ever again.

Whenever I struggle with money, they don't seem to want to help me. Sometimes I ask my PD mom for $10 or 20 and whenever I do that it's as if I asked for money for a downpayment for my home She puffs and huffs and complains about giving me money. She eventually gives in but shows her displeasure for what she's doing (god forbid helping your only daughter, lol).

I'll just say this - while she may not be able to help you on a large level, you are [or were] living in her home, yes? For her, that may be the help she can reasonably give. That $20 here and $20 there can add up in a short time really, and while "she's living off her government money" - in essence so are you. That same money, in fact. She may complain because it really is a problem for her. She didn't get an increase because you're living there. It's a finite amount every month and she knows there won't be more when *she* runs short. And however grudgingly, she gave it even though that $20+ may have been intended for getting her own hair done or a lunch out, or even for a treat here and there. That in and of itself really isn't unreasonable of her.

I just got back from the grocery store. While I was able to buy what I wanted and plan ahead, replenish some pantry staples, it's definitely pricier than it used to be. And that's just for me, not with any "government money." But throw one unemployed/nonfinancially contributing adult in my home who I'm feeding and who's also asking for a little extra here and there, and I'd be in trouble pretty quick.

My honest advise is to take whatever jobs you can find - housekeeping, dishwashing, answering phones, waitstaff, whatever your talents may be- arrange to rent a room and get out of her home as soon as you're able, and keep working and looking towards jobs that you like. You never know what contacts you can make or when one will open up right in front of you.

But I would rather die in a ditch than ask for money from my mother. I will accept anything given as a gift and do not consider myself morally obliged to dance to her tune. But ongoing "help" like she gave to my sister when she had employment problems - nope. The price would be too high for me.

SAME.

[blacksheep7]

I also grew up without the help of my Pd parents financially. I would not have been at ease to ask them, about anything for that matter. It was made clear to us without being told.

I was on my own, just bought a small house to put you in context.  My NF complained about his birthday present, as usual, expecting to get what he wanted specifically.  A polo sweater with the pocket!! I bought it without a pocket and he  was     I told him that money for me was tight...car broke down, got out of the hospital with $$$ perscriptions and all he said was «yeah, yeah, we all got money problems».

I just want to say that empathy would have been nice. Not that I ever asked money but knowing that if was going through a rough patch, they would be there for me.

I have no judgement about my kids asking, always depending on the situation.  My ds did when he was around eighteen of twenty years old.  He wanted a small amount  to pay some petty frivolous debts. He offered to  make payments every paycheck which was fine by me. I told him it was the last time. He did have the nerve to ask me a second time, I said no. Much of it was buying lottery tickets or playing at the casino. 

It depends on the context I guess. IMO

Today, jobs don't last 40 years like in the old days. 

[Cat of the Canals]

My PDmom is very similar to what NarcKiddo described. She can appear quite generous, but it's always about power. My brother and SIL chose to have my parents cosign the mortgage on their house, which means technically, my mother is a partial owner. Now imagine trying to set boundaries in that situation.

My brother once found an article about parental estrangement and said he was considering printing it out and giving it to our mother so she'd "know what the stakes are." I wanted to say, "Buddy, how are you gonna go NC with someone who owns your house?????"

Honestly, my mother would prefer it if we were always in a position where we needed to ask her for money. I was not allowed to get a job in high school "because she wanted me focused on school," but looking back, I know it as really that she didn't want me to have that independence.

[olivegirl]

Narcs are so funny about money.

My Bpd Mother & Nod father would gift me modest amounts of money for my birthday or my children's birthdays—-only to later accuse me of taking money from them when they are struggling!

So I later learned to accept the gift and just tear up the check.

I had a part-time job at age 15 because my parents complained of food costs and having to feed me.

The result is I have been groomed to not depend on them at all. 

I would/could never ask my parents for money.  It be their last dollar that I took!   

[xredshoesx]

the three times my biological family ever helped me had strings attached. 

i've been NC since i was 21-22 so all this happened between the time i was placed back with my mother at 17 via the reunification process of our wonderful state child services....

shortly before i turned 18 i ran away.  i was gone close to 3 years.  in order for me to come back and RENT a room from my grandparents i had to beg, grovel, and agree to follow house rules.  even though i paid rent i did not have a key.

my mother who never used a dime of the back child support she was awarded when i got sent back to her for ME loaned me the $$$ to sign up for a college class at the community college.  i also caught her stealing from me and that she had hid that i had won a scholarship for my ACT scores that had 'expired' when i tried to claim it......

i had to break NC to BUY a pair of used tires off her father for my car right after i got my first legal place on my own and tbh this was the THING that put me over the edge with them even after they told me to never come back.....

i suppose all of this was orchestrated to 'teach me a lesson' and it did.  i learned that the only one blood person who is in it to win it for me is me. 

the issue i always had with 'the lesson' was that i while i was paying rent and being forced to follow house rules without a key my mother lived there too and was doing drugs smoking drinking and living her best rent free life under the SAME ROOF.  they have always bailed my mother out of all her legal messes too.  at this point in life every success i have is MY OWN because i clawed my way out.  that's my win and on the dark days when i'm still angry about it, it helps.

my dad it's complicated.  he gave up when my mom started the PA and illegally took me.  then you have to remember my mother was a person of interest in the house fire that killed one of his other kids.  so it's always been awkward and i also didn't really know all of the nuance of this part of my own story until the summer right before i went fully NC (it was part of why i was a ward of the state as a teen).  the one thing my dad did do for me was to sign over his mother's life insurance policy to me after she passed which really did help out me and DH.  also his wife has also been accepting and decent to me too so that's priceless. 

[mary_poppins]

I have the opposite.

My mother believes that everyone in the world wants only money and that she will have control over them with her money.

She is not ungenerous and can spend a fair bit on gifts. They are always things she would like herself and are rarely things the recipient enjoys or likes. Money-wise she is always trying to swoop in and give help if she thinks it is needed. In return she expects you to dance to her tune completely and utterly. The help is always given so that the family "face" is maintained and everyone outside the family can suppose all members are doing marvellously, because that reflects well on her. Plus everyone inside the family can glory in what a wonderful person she is. She will give financial help or gifts to persons outside the family if she thinks it will further her interests. Strings are always attached.

I have every sympathy for your position, which is very unpleasant. But I would rather die in a ditch than ask for money from my mother. I will accept anything given as a gift and do not consider myself morally obliged to dance to her tune. But ongoing "help" like she gave to my sister when she had employment problems - nope. The price would be too high for me.

The sad truth is that PD parents always find ways to harm and damage.

Yep, I've heard of plenty of PDs like your mom who hold their adult children 'hostage' emotionally because they helped them with money. At least I had to pay everything back to mine.

[mary_poppins]

Honestly I don't find it weird at all that parents don't hand over money, quite the opposite. I didn't have that growing up and certainly don't expect it as an adult. I've done without many a time because I refuse to ask her for anything and didn't want to accept what she offered. One of my worst fears is being dependent on that woman, or anyone else really, ever again.

Whenever I struggle with money, they don't seem to want to help me. Sometimes I ask my PD mom for $10 or 20 and whenever I do that it's as if I asked for money for a downpayment for my home She puffs and huffs and complains about giving me money. She eventually gives in but shows her displeasure for what she's doing (god forbid helping your only daughter, lol).

I'll just say this - while she may not be able to help you on a large level, you are [or were] living in her home, yes? For her, that may be the help she can reasonably give. That $20 here and $20 there can add up in a short time really, and while "she's living off her government money" - in essence so are you. That same money, in fact. She may complain because it really is a problem for her. She didn't get an increase because you're living there. It's a finite amount every month and she knows there won't be more when *she* runs short. And however grudgingly, she gave it even though that $20+ may have been intended for getting her own hair done or a lunch out, or even for a treat here and there. That in and of itself really isn't unreasonable of her.

I just got back from the grocery store. While I was able to buy what I wanted and plan ahead, replenish some pantry staples, it's definitely pricier than it used to be. And that's just for me, not with any "government money." But throw one unemployed/nonfinancially contributing adult in my home who I'm feeding and who's also asking for a little extra here and there, and I'd be in trouble pretty quick.

My honest advise is to take whatever jobs you can find - housekeeping, dishwashing, answering phones, waitstaff, whatever your talents may be- arrange to rent a room and get out of her home as soon as you're able, and keep working and looking towards jobs that you like. You never know what contacts you can make or when one will open up right in front of you.

But I would rather die in a ditch than ask for money from my mother. I will accept anything given as a gift and do not consider myself morally obliged to dance to her tune. But ongoing "help" like she gave to my sister when she had employment problems - nope. The price would be too high for me.

SAME.

I 100% agree with you. I am probably trauma bonding badly right now, expecting a PD parent to have compassion and generosity for her adult child.

[mary_poppins]

@xredshoesx
So sorry for what you went through with your parents, especially mom. I never had to run away from home as a teen. Yes, it was hell at home but I survived it somehow. I also 'left' but with a scholarship abroad. Came back after a long period of no contact to 'repair' the relationship with my parents.
Found out that not only they haven't changed but they became more abusive.

You made a good point about relying only on us. That's something I need to remember.

[moglow]

@mary_poppins, I'm not sure why you have any expectations of her at this point. Call it what you will, she's long since shown you who she is. It would behoove you and your future to pay attention to that, set aside the hopes and dreams of something magically being different. She may very simply not have it in her to be compassionate as you'd like and realistically not able to be "generous."

Her expectations aren't yours to fulfill any more than yours are for her. She thinks you can do better on the job front? You likely can - maybe she's trying to encourage you for better so you'll be more secure overall. She may want better for you than what you've allowed. You've talked about toxic jobs a few times - what if you went in the next with acceptance rather than expectations?

An old friend used to say a lot, expectations are disappointments under construction. Once I really thought about it, it helped change the way I see a lot of things. Maybe it will help you too.

[xredshoesx]

how many of us have a fear/shame of asking for help because we are afraid of what the outcome will be???  i know i for sure do.  like at work i handle A LOT of mess that isn't my responsibility because WHEN i do ask for help, it's either too slow or non-existent. 

[mary_poppins]

@mary_poppins, I'm not sure why you have any expectations of her at this point. Call it what you will, she's long since shown you who she is. It would behoove you and your future to pay attention to that, set aside the hopes and dreams of something magically being different. She may very simply not have it in her to be compassionate as you'd like and realistically not able to be "generous."

I think it is because I'm holding onto the thin thread that could make this relationship work. I know the thread is going to break soon and because I know that, i find it scary. If she cannot behave like a human towards me that means I need to draw the line and cut ties. Cutting ties with her and grieving her are two processes that fall very heavily on my mind. As kids we were not even allowed to cry in the house, I had to learn that in therapy. I'm still fairly 'new' to this emotion. 

[mary_poppins]

how many of us have a fear/shame of asking for help because we are afraid of what the outcome will be???  i know i for sure do.  like at work i handle A LOT of mess that isn't my responsibility because WHEN i do ask for help, it's either too slow or non-existent.

I think many have this fear, even people without PD parents. Yes, I get that about doing too much at work, it happened to me, too. But maybe if we make a habit of asking for help all those times we need help, it won't feel so scary anymore. We can 'expose' ourselves to the fear little by little, I guess.

[Liketheducks]

My parents rarely had extra money to lend, so I just had to figure it out.   It is the opposite for me.   There is an expectation for me to help no matter what...because I can.   And, while I might help, it doesn't change their judgement/treatment/behavior towards me.   It doesn't change the abusive part of their nature.   

In fact, at one point, my SIL approached me to buy them a car, because mom had moved out and took her car, that they were using, with her.   Because the whole family thought I could help, I was demonized when I didn't.   

When I have asked for help, not financial, but in picking up childcare, etc.   There was a lot of weaponized incompetence.   I'm not able to ask for help with my family.

[sunshine702]

My PDmom is very similar to what NarcKiddo described. She can appear quite generous, but it's always about power. My brother and SIL chose to have my parents cosign the mortgage on their house, which means technically, my mother is a partial owner. Now imagine trying to set boundaries in that situation.

My brother once found an article about parental estrangement and said he was considering printing it out and giving it to our mother so she'd "know what the stakes are." I wanted to say, "Buddy, how are you gonna go NC with someone who owns your house?????"

Honestly, my mother would prefer it if we were always in a position where we needed to ask her for money. I was not allowed to get a job in high school "because she wanted me focused on school," but looking back, I know it as really that she didn't want me to have that independence.

I had this exact same experience.  Yep my mom bought my brother a house .  I am not upset about it at all - he really needed it and it is a guilded cage to be be able to kick him as the scapegoat whenever they want. He owes them - is their nasty cage.   It's basically using his inheritance as control while they are living. They LOVE it and he deals with it.  So ok

And omg my parents said the exact same thing to me about working a bit in school.  Hmm

[SaltwareS]

Understatement of the century. And when I finally built a savings and was out of debt, looking into taking a class on how to buy a house or condo, I was not allowed to come to Christmas. "You've changed" and "we don't know who you are anymore". Silent treatment.

[Rocky]

I received a (birthday?) check from my mom when I'm in my forties. It was just weird.

I'm financially well to do, I've told her this several times. It's just weird. 

 

[InvisibleDaughter]

My Npd Mom is financially set, she's retired and just turned 70. She couldn't wait to tell me that when she turned 70 she would get another $700/month from social security. She's been using my deceased stepfathers but now she's switching to hers.

I know she values money over anything. It's sad, because nothing is more valuable than our relationships with others.

I'm happy she's loaded because with how she acts and how nasty she can be she would stay single, but with $ she can attract someone and it lessens the burden on me.