visitors and boundaries

[xredshoesx]

i'm working through a situation with someone i know from the online journal community.  we have been networking for 10+ years but have never met face to face.  this person recently came into some $$$ after a traumatic event and is looking to visit/travel and fit some meet ups in these journeys.

i teach.  during the school year my free time is minimal at best.  we also live in a place where the air hurts your face until april-ish, so not the best time for touring around and seeing the sights in our area. 

her first idea was spring break.  our spring break is not her spring break, it's over easter and for part of that week DH and i have family obligations plus the weather will still be crap here.  nothing from her on this info.

so then she texted us last night saying she's booking flights etc but gave no date info.

i let her know that we get out of school mid june but that may be extended based on poor attendance which means any summer fun for me/DH is still on hold (we can't even plan a camping trip unless it's a weekend....)

still nothing from her.

maybe i'm dumb but in my mind when people visit you plan it together to make sure the availability is there.  if she books and just expects us to drop everything and entertain her when i'm still working 12 hour days it's going to be an ender for our friendship and i mean delete. block. bye because it's RUDE.  i know other people in our group who have met her and also distanced themselves from her for similar reasons if that helps reinforce that she may have some fleas/ uPD stuff going on. 

am i being too extreme on this????   other parts that could be awkward for her are that neither of us drink or smoke and she does.  we don't let people smoke in our home.




 

[moglow]

Me: you've booked flights?? We never decided on dates. Like we mentioned before, our calendar is rather limited and we're not always available to host. 

It's one thing if she wants to meet for dinner while she's in the area, something very different if she's expecting to stay. If she shows up unannounced or during a time you've told her clearly you're busy, feel free to send her to local motel. "I thought I was clear, this isn't a good time for us." 

[SonofThunder]

...but in my mind when people visit you plan it together to make sure the availability is there.  if she books and just expects us to drop everything and entertain her when i'm still working 12 hour days it's going to be an ender for our friendship and i mean delete. block. bye because it's RUDE.  i know other people in our group who have met her and also distanced themselves from her for similar reasons if that helps reinforce that she may have some fleas/ uPD stuff going on. 

am i being too extreme on this????   other parts that could be awkward for her are that neither of us drink or smoke and she does.  we don't let people smoke in our home.

Hi Xred,

Absolutely not being too extreme.  Just reading your post makes my alarm bells go off.  My uPDf did this same thing to everyone when he was physically able to travel, baiting for either a forced "ok" (control feed) or negative comments in which he then launches into personal insults in victimhood (perpetrator and victim feed)

Nope. Your radar is tuned exactly to the right frequency.

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I agree with you. You state "in my mind when people visit you plan it together to make sure the availability is there." I think the same way. You coordinate schedules, details, and plans.

I had a friend that did similar recently. They told me a date they were coming into town and told me "oh, I'll just stay in a spare bedroom". They did not really even ask. I found it sort of aggressive and entitled. They expected me to accommodate their plan, at their timing, as their needs required. I was left out of all details. It removed any interest I had in seeing this person, and now I think quite a bit less of them.
   
I also agree as Moglow stated. You can inform that your calendar is already booked on those dates or you are not available. You do not need to give specifics or provide an excuse. Just saying "it is not a good time" is enough.

[bloomie]

xredshoesx - I agree with others you are not too extreme! A friend sending a text telling you they booked flights and not including the dates is strange. It makes zero sense to not to confirm and work within dates that work for you. And if she intends to stay with you... rude.

A manipulative tactic I have encountered is this kind of intentionally vague communication.

You have been clear about your availability. She knows.

[NarcKiddo]

No, you are absolutely not being too extreme.

Since I personally hate having houseguests at the best of time I would use it as an excuse to make sure she was not going to stay. I'd send a breezy text back along the lines of "Oh, great. Let me know what dates you'll be in the area and I'll see if we are free to hook up for dinner some time. There is a really nice restaurant I'm sure you'll love." YMMV, but that would be my move.

[moglow]

I'd send a breezy text back along the lines of "Oh, great. Let me know what dates you'll be in the area and I'll see if we are free to hook up for dinner some time.

I kinda like this! Nonconfrontational, short and sweet, gets the point across.

[xredshoesx]

you all are the best.  she's been working the same razzmatazz on another local friend who just asked me what was up.....
 i appreciate the advice and will integrate these ideas into our plans

[xredshoesx]

also we have a leaky air mattress and an uncomfortable divan by design......

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't think I can add more to the constructive feedback already given, but I want to commend your use of the term "razzmatazz." 

[SonofThunder]

but I want to commend your use of the term "razzmatazz." 

🤣🤣🤣

[xredshoesx]

i communicated the boundaries using the suggestions you all shared.  we'll see. ty ty ty again.  hopefully this heads off any shenanigans

[moglow]

Her and her razzmatazz needs to move along and leave you be.

[OverHere]

I love this thread.  Someone did this to me recently, and seemed hurt and silent when I responded breezily as described.  It's going to be so interesting to see what happens when I keep in touch while still thwarting their manipulations.  That way if I turn out to be wrong about them, no harm done.  But it does all add up.

[Cat of the Canals]

100% agree that you are not being extreme or unreasonable. It's a baseline of politeness to check dates and availability if you are planning to visit someone. What if you were out of town? Hosting someone else during that period? On some kind of work deadline? Etc. It's thoughtless at best and entitled at worst.

I'd send a breezy text back along the lines of "Oh, great. Let me know what dates you'll be in the area and I'll see if we are free to hook up for dinner some time. There is a really nice restaurant I'm sure you'll love." YMMV, but that would be my move.

I've done this, and it works a treat with PDs and nons alike. PDs are more likely to push back, so just be ready to restate your boundaries, e.g. something like, "As I said before, with our work obligations, we're not able to host at that time."

[xredshoesx]

my razzamatazz friend has yet to share her plans with us so we went ahead and started booking our own summer stuff!!!

[SonofThunder]

my razzamatazz friend has yet to share her plans with us so we went ahead and started booking our own summer stuff!!!

Perfect!  Nothing like the boundary of your own desired actions having a secondary benefit of being a self protective barrier.  Well done xred!

SoT

[bloomie]

Nicely done!!