Parents gaslighting getting worse

[miffyxo]

Hi all

Been a while since I posted about my parents, I'm still no contact (which they're aware of) but they email me pretty much every day. I say they but it's my mum using my dads email account and my dad says nothing to stop her. I'll use "they" as I can't prove this, I just recognise her tone. Recently theyve managed to be very confusing in how they email. When I first went no contact it was direct abuse, like when I was younger and still lived with them. There was lots of name calling, swearing and nasty comments like wishing I was never born, should have had a son etc. But now they only ever talk about what they've been up to during the day, or how much they cared for me when I was a kid by putting the heating on or taking me to school, things like that.

Until last week I got a particularly hurtful email. It was Chinese new year and I was away celebrating with my fiancés family who are Chinese. I opened my emails and first thing I saw was an email from my mum (who uses my dad's account). It was a picture of the Chinese new year sign of the dragon, and it just said "lovely dragon... shame about the rest..."

It particularly hurt me because it felt like a jibe at my fiancé and his family and heritage. It also felt like a jibe at me, like they knew I would be celebrating with him and his family. It also hurts because my mum has always hated all of my partners and close friends, so it felt like another attack at me and someone close to me - like she can't bare me to be loved. Finally it hurt because it was so two sided. I know if I got back in contact and called her out on it she could say something like "oh you're too sensitive" or "it was just a joke". The whole thing seems cruel on so many levels. Am I being over sensitive? Or is she still continuing the abuse from when I was younger. I'm so confused, and it spoilt the end of an otherwise lovely weekend. Any thoughts would really help

Miffy x

[moglow]

"Shame about the rest"??  What does that even mean? I would not respond, at all. Her intent doesn't matter, that was a comment that doesn't deserve addressing.

I'd filter my email where it all goes to a hidden folder. Then it's on me to read or no.

Beyond that ... She made her point. Leave it there and may she have joy of it.

[miffyxo]

"Shame about the rest"??  What does that even mean? I would not respond, at all. Her intent doesn't matter, that was a comment that doesn't deserve addressing.

I'd filter my email where it all goes to a hidden folder. Then it's on me to read or no.

Beyond that ... She made her point. Leave it there and may she have joy of it.

True, she just has ways of thinking up things to say that gets in my head she has a way of thinking up the worst possible thing to say to someone to hurt them. I did filter the emails into a folder but they keep coming through to my inbox again, not sure why. Will try to do some trouble shooting

[Cat of the Canals]

how much they cared for me when I was a kid by putting the heating on or taking me to school, things like that.

So, um... the literal bare minimum parents are not just expected but LEGALLY REQUIRED to do? 

The latest message sounds like bait to me. Make cryptically passive aggressive comments in hopes you'll demand to know what they mean by it. The thing is, you know what she means by it - she wants to see if she can get a rise out of you. Don't play her game.

[miffyxo]

how much they cared for me when I was a kid by putting the heating on or taking me to school, things like that.

So, um... the literal bare minimum parents are not just expected but LEGALLY REQUIRED to do? 

The latest message sounds like bait to me. Make cryptically passive aggressive comments in hopes you'll demand to know what they mean by it. The thing is, you know what she means by it - she wants to see if she can get a rise out of you. Don't play her game.

Yup, I get one of these types of emails pretty much every week :'D

That sounds about right, shes weirdly good at thinking of how to upset people and seems to genuinely enjoy it, then go back on it and blame the other person for her actions and it somehow seems to work. I sometimes think I've never met a smarter more manipulative person than my own mother lol

[Believer]

Hi miffyxo,

Yeah, hopefully you can filter those emails, as it sounds like you already tried. It is easy to stay enmeshed even if you don't respond. I have learned the hard way by reading some messages recently that have put me in a tailspin. I understand wanting to keep at least one line of communication available to you but you can see how even that has toxic potential. I hope I don't sound too harsh. Cryptic messages invariably have an ulterior motive, and I ask, to what end? To get a rise out of you and re start chaos? To get under your skin while they sit back and wait for your response? To peak your curiosity and then give you the silent treatment?

I hope you can focus on something else, like your own happiness and pursuits and not let the message run your thoughts.

It does sound like you're very aware of the game being played and that is great!

I also think my unM is a master manipulator and almost genius. (evil genius)