I am going to kick him out of my apartment.

[Sleepytherapy]

It is almost midnight, ending valentines day 2024 thinking about the peace I may have living by myself if I broke up with my boyfriend and kicked him out of my apartment. This has been a thought of mine for several months now, why did I stay, who knows. From my personal experience along with working in the mental health field, I suspect my boyfriend has BPD or another kind of PD, however he refuses to help himself mentally (or physically, compromising my autoimmune disease) so we will never know of a diagnosis.

February 14, I asked him why he didn't snuggle me back tonight and last night when I was trying to snuggle him. I said that he hasn't been as affectionate with me back and he said "it doesn't mean I have to f*king snuggle you."

February 13, he went with me to urgent care because of being chronically sick for 4 days straight. I could not swallow or talk. The doctor wanted to test me for mono. The first thing he said was "how else would you have gotten mono if I don't have it" and continued to accuse me of cheating. I had a panic attack and began to punch walls. He did nothing. I started messaging his brother about the behavior, whom is also in agreement that he needs to grow up and stop being abusive. However the family would not allow him back in the house due to the same reasons, along with him making it harder to grieve the loss of his grandmother.

February 12, things were fine. I went to work, he stayed home with the three cats we have together, I came home to him cooking a meal. We went to sleep shortly after. Content.

February 11, we were supposed to see his grampa for dinner. His grandma passed away three weeks ago and we had scheduled dinners since her death so we can all grieve together. He was in a bad mood for no reason and being snarky. I asked him if he didn't want to go, and he ran to the bedroom, told his gramps he wasn't coming. I could not identify why he was mad, nor why he was talking to me like I was a child. Degrading. I discussed breaking up because I told him he needed to stop yelling at me and being an asshole, along with how his behavior keeps coming back no matter how many times he apologizes for it. He said "a waste of two fucking years." Then proceeded to tell me that everything in the apartment is mine and he will leave with nothing, and that he will be homeless.

...this was only the last few days. I kept excusing his behavior throughout our relationship.

 Examples include:

He skipped out on my work party he said he would go to with me because "he doesn't care to meet people he never sees". When everyone asked where he was, I said he got ill.

He quit a job the morning after a rough encounter with a customer and stating that "he doesn't have to deal with this b*llsh*t". I begged him to find another job first before quitting. He said he would, but still quit that same day. When people asked, I told everyone that he got laid off.

He was invited to my sister's wedding, where he sat and did not engage with anyone and did not want to dance or meet my family. I missed a fun night of dancing with everyone on the dance floor celebrating my sister's big night, but I let everyone know that he has bad anxiety and that's why he was silent. The pictures we took in the photo booth? That happened after I bawled my eyes out to him saying he was making me feel unloved and ruining my time, and how I just wanted to have fun with him there.

I'm sure there is a lot more, but I cannot recall as I blocked them out.

My main fears of leaving? His reaction. His mental health and suicidality. Him reminding me he would be homeless. The three cats missing their dad...

But once he is out of the picture? I do not know how to cook. I have to learn how to cook all by myself.

It is now 1217am on February 15, and I think I am going to break up with him in the morning.

[escapingman]

Good luck Sleepy, you have to look after yourself and how he reacts is his issue. Read the toolbox and focus on yourself, as I read your post you pretty much have made your mind up so do what you need to do and let him look after himself.

[bloomie]

Sleepytherapy - Welcome. Thanks for giving us a snapshot of life and how unpredictable it is in this relationship. I am so sorry things have unraveled to such a degree in your relationship.

When we come here we begin to understand and dedicate ourselves to what it means to leave behind fear, obligation, and guilt in relationships with people whose behaviors and how they view the world are often toxic for us. 

Make good use of the resources at the drop down menu above and begin to shift your focus off of him and onto you, your health and well being, because living like you describe sounds unnecessarily hard.

This is an adult you are talking about. This is an adult you are making excuses for and allowing to ruin once in a lifetime events and social gatherings that matter to you. This is an adult who quit his job because it was hard. This is an adult abruptly cancelling on an elderly grandfather who is going through a heck of a lot more than your guy is I am betting. This is an adult who responds to your affection with vulgarities and rudeness.... you get where I am going here.

The great thing about adulting is we each get to be 100% responsible for ourselves. When you or I make excuses for a partner's no show or sulking behaviors we are stepping over a line and taking on responsibility for how others will view our partner - which is not ours to do.

A great jumping in place for me with all of this has been to figure out where I end and another begins and to examine how often I cross the line into managing things that are actually not mine to manage. Taking care of things or people who are not reciprocal or appreciative who are actually perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

You are heading in the direction of healing and freedom and it will be a steep climb, but you have reached out for support and encouragement and we are here for you!

[Sleepytherapy]

It is past midnight on March 3... I tried to kick him out like I said. But he cried. Hard. He kept saying he was sorry and he wouldn't make these mistakes again. I caved in. But here I am again. I've been working on changes he requested, such as learning to cook, taking better care of myself... all I asked for was more intimacy and sex. He masturbated in the shower after I've asked him multiple times for sex and he said no every time. When I engaged in a conversation with him about this, he said I am still the same despite all the work I did to be better, and he said I'm a child that cannot take care of myself. He said if we had more sex, it wouldn't change anything (the ONE thing he said that I can agree on).

I still just can't leave. Main reasons: the cats, my fear of being alone, and being almost 26 and never engaged or married or had children. Something my family does not have a struggle with.

I'm scared I'm stuck in a cycle that I cannot break. I'm a mental health therapist for crying out loud... shame on me.

[notrightinthehead]

Sleepy, you will learn to cook with time. It's no secret and can be fun. You can start with stir fry and rice, tasty, nutritious, easy, fast. Check it out on cooking channels.

Also, I strongly advise you read "Why does he do that ?" by Bancroft. And "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist " by Fjelstad.

Someone who doesn't treat you with respect and politely has no right to your protection and kindness. He can camp somewhere else. You are not, I repeat not, responsible for another adult.

I urge you to study the Toolbox and begin implementing the strategies. It will take a while but practice makes perfect. Start today with medium chill.

I agree, you need to grow up, and growing up means- you have to begin taking good care of yourself! Yourself! Look after your own well-being. And let him continue looking after himself.

[sunshine702]

I really didn't cook much most of my life but I still ate. I ate yogurt, microwave rice, frozen pizza, I ordered from fast cafe places, cereal , cheese , wine. When you are single there is no one judging the meal.  It's whatever the heck you want when you want.  Don't let his cooking make you stay or your fear of not cooking make you not leave.  Make sense. 

[Rebel13]

Hi Sleepytherapy, I was just reading an article someone posted in the Resources section and it reminded me so much of your story! 

Particularly this:
"Don't give them one more chance: It takes the average person seven tries to leave an abusive relationship, said doctor of psychology and therapist Perpetua Neo...If the narcissist isn't ready for you to leave yet, they will probably turn on the waterworks and plead with you, telling you how sorry they are. But Neo said you shouldn't risk giving them another chance to hurt you again."

Your guy is textbook, pleading for another chance while still being a jerk to you.  I hope you feel better knowing it takes time to leave, and that you keep trying to get free and make a good life for yourself!

Here's the link to the article: https://uk.style.yahoo.com/style/20-steps-leaving-abusive-relationship-152616704.html