Everything has changed and I am reeling

[Sneezy]

I will start by saying - I know this isn't all about me.  But I feel like I just entered the Upside Down and I need help getting my head back on straight.

DH and I have been married for well over 30 years.  He moved his parents near us a couple years ago - MIL to memory care and FIL to senior living.  BIL1 also lives in town, while BIL2 is out of state.  For the past two years, DH has done everything for his parents, with no help from one brother and very little help from the other.  And the more he did for FIL, the more FIL has resented him, while still expecting more and more.  A few months ago, things finally fell apart.  FIL exploded at DH, claiming he had never asked for his help in the first place.  FIL also revoked DH's power of attorney and gave it to BIL1, making it clear that he wants BIL1 to handle everything for him from now on.

DH decided at that point to go as low-contact as possible with his family.  And then came the bombshell (from my perspective).  I've always known that FIL was a bit harsh on DH when he was young, and much more lenient with BIL1 and BIL2.  But DH has now given me more details that I never knew.  I can't believe we have been married for so long and I never knew how physically abusive FIL was.  And how MIL finally stood up to him and put a stop to it when DH was 8 or 9 (BIL1 and BIL2 would have been too young to understand what was happening). 

We are now estranged from the rest of the family, and I'm sure everyone thinks it's DH's fault. FIL had surgery today and BIL1 just texted me after it was over.  Just a few months ago, DH and I would have been the ones at the hospital texting updates.  I feel like we are now on the outside looking in.  I also feel like everything we've done for the past two years is being judged and found wanting.  FIL is moving today, further from us and closer to BIL1, and to a much more upscale facility.  Again, it feels like we are being judged for putting him somewhere inadequate.  Dramatic Auntie swooped into town for the surgery and the move and didn't even tell us she was here. 

I'm confused and worried.  What if anything do we share with our adult children?  What do I say when other family members ask questions?  Should I be worried about DH?  Why did he wait so long to share this with me?  Is FIL going to cut DH out of his will?  We don't need or want his money, but I don't want to see my kids lose out, that would be a smack in the face.  What do I do when relatives come to town?  How will the holidays be handled?

I feel like I'm going crazy.

[notrightinthehead]

I can relate to feeling rejected and found wanting while at the same time relieved of a thankless duty.
Let me remind you, you cannot control what others think or say about you. Let bro1 have his turn and enjoy the free time doing something positive.

What are you going to do with this new information? Does it help you understand your h better? What would be the benefit of telling your kids about it?

[Sneezy]

I can relate to feeling rejected and found wanting while at the same time relieved of a thankless duty.

Thank you!  I have been struggling to articulate why I feel the way I do.  This is exactly it - it WAS a crappy, thankless job, but I gave it my all.  And then we got fired. 

Honestly, BIL1 will likely do a better job because he won't try as hard.  He will not be bathing FIL (which DH did when FIL threw out his back) or bathing FIL's dog (which I did when he didn't want to pay for a groomer).  BIL1 will set up a care plan, hire the necessary help, put it all on FIL's credit card, and that will be that.

What are you going to do with this new information? Does it help you understand your h better? What would be the benefit of telling your kids about it?

I am still surprised by the new information that DH has shared.  It certainly explains some things, starting with the incredibly close bond between DH and his mother.  No wonder they adore each other - they were united together against a bully.  It also explains why MIL scowls whenever FIL visits her in memory care and why her face just lights up when DH comes to visit.  There's no hiding her true feelings now.

It's up to DH regarding how much he wants to share with our kids.  They are adults and they have always had a fairly good relationship with their grandfather.  He is ill and declining quickly, and so this is all likely to be moot soon.

Now I need to put some things to rest and get over it.  Time to clean out the pantry - too much space is filled up with FIL's favorite snacks and dog food and treats for his dog.  Time to redecorate the guest room - it's not FIL's fault that he is incontinent, but I think it's time for me to buy some fresh linens and brighten up the place as he will no longer be staying with us whenever he is ill or lonely.  It's time to move on.   Which is easier said than done.  But it's time.

[Cat of the Canals]

I know it's ugly, and there are bound to be a lot of mixed feelings about all of this, but take a moment to see the silver lining: you and your husband are FREE. Free from your FIL's impossible expectations. Free from the crushing pressure of always trying to fix the unfixable.

If your FIL is as narcissistic as he sounds, it's not going to be very long before BIL1 finds himself in the same boat your husband was in: nothing ever good enough, endless complaints, etc. Maybe he'll move on to BIL2 at that point, just to complete the set. 

It SUCKS that this is causing a rift in the family. It really does. But triangulators gonna triangulate. It's just what they do. Hopefully there is enough good will left between your husband and his brothers that they can mend things when your FIL is no longer around to stir up drama.

As for the will: there is literally nothing you can doing about it, so there's no point worrying about it. If it were me, I'd prepare for the worst. That way, if he does write your husband and children out, it's only what you were expecting. Anything more than that would feel like a boon.

[Sneezy]

take a moment to see the silver lining: you and your husband are FREE.

Thanks Cat - This is how I need to look at it.  We are finally getting around to some house projects we've been putting off for two years because FIL was taking up much of our time.  And I'm going to plan some trips.  DH and I use to get away more often, for long weekends, etc. - but with FIL always needing attention, and spending most weekends at our house, we got out of that habit.

it's not going to be very long before BIL1 finds himself in the same boat your husband was in

Maybe - they are going through a honeymoon phase right now.  BIL1 is the savior and is righting all the wrongs.  And FIL may very well be gone soon.  But if FIL lives past the honeymoon phase, yeah, BIL1 is likely to get a taste of FIL's temper and never-ending, impossible-to-fill demands.

As far as the will, I do need to just put that out of my mind.  You are right, there is nothing I can do about it.  FIL will leave a nice estate when he passes, but he's not rich by any means.  And even if he was, who cares?  Considering how absolutely miserable he is, I'm starting to think that his money is cursed.  He is definitely a poster child for "money can't buy happiness."

[Blueberry Pancakes]

When I read this post, what came to mind is these are the shenanigans that those with PDs can cause. For what it is worth, I do not think any of this is about you, your DH, or anything you did or did not do. It sounds as though you were quite attentive and good caregivers to an aging parent. This might just be about your FIL.
 
Perhaps just breathe, step back, and let BIL handle things for a while. I am sure it feels like a slap in the face though after all you have done, and I am so sorry for that.     
   
As already noted, you may be feeling some extra space and room in your life. It is so easy to take focus off ourselves when we have a parent with a PD running the show and even more when their health declines. Maybe this time will allow you to redirect some of that energy on your own wellbeing and in the things you enjoy that you may have put on the back burner.
   
As for what to do or say to others, I mostly think less is more. If anyone asks, yes, your FIL moved and now lives closer to BIL. You can remain factual without details. As for being cut out of the will, not much we can do about that. My dad flat out sent me an email notifying I was being disinherited. I was appalled. He later rescinded it. I now expect nothing.   

We cannot control what others think or do. I also think with PD in the family, it is a never-ending circle to try to "get in front of the story and control the narrative" because someone else always changes it. 
           
My thought is for now just take care of you, your husband, your life.

[Pepin]

I am still surprised by the new information that DH has shared.  It certainly explains some things, starting with the incredibly close bond between DH and his mother.  No wonder they adore each other - they were united together against a bully.  It also explains why MIL scowls whenever FIL visits her in memory care and why her face just lights up when DH comes to visit.  There's no hiding her true feelings now.

You know....I have always wondered the same about my DH and why he was so close (enmeshed) to his mother.  When his father passed, I saw no grieving from DH.  While his mother obviously cried, it seemed odd how she presented herself at his funeral.  She didn't even dress up for his funeral...even after she made a big fuss over needing a new pair of shoes that she did not end up wearing - after countless hours of searching stores with her.   

I have often felt that DH was in essence undoubtedly the man CN MIL wished FIL was.  And after FIL's passing, it was immediately clear that my husband was no longer my own.  DH stepped in as if he had been preparing for this his entire life...needless to say, DH was already zippering himself in when FIL was in the hospital as CN MIL couldn't bring herself to be by his bedside.   

My thought is for now just take care of you, your husband, your life.

I agree with this and I'd do the same. 

[Sneezy]

I also think with PD in the family, it is a never-ending circle to try to "get in front of the story and control the narrative" because someone else always changes it.

Yes - I think this is what I am doing, or trying to do.  I find myself trying to explain things to others in a way that sounds less dramatic and nicer overall.  Which is fine, as long as I don't obsess over controlling the narrative and framing the issue in a particular way.  It is what it is.  FIL needs more care.  He's moving to a nice facility closer to BIL1.  End of story.  Most people don't need or want any more details than that.

I have often felt that DH was in essence undoubtedly the man CN MIL wished FIL was. 

Same here - MIL raised DH to be the kind of husband she needed.  Not in an inappropriate way or anything.  But she raised him to listen to her and give her the emotional support she didn't get from FIL.  It explains why she didn't like me for a long time.  I married DH and so took away some of MIL's (much needed) emotional support.

[Sneezy]

Honestly, BIL1 will likely do a better job because he won't try as hard.

Wow, I was completely wrong about this!  It turns out that BIL1 did not do a good job, and he did absolutely nothing that he was supposed to do.  FIL trusted him to take care of some financial things, and BIL1 did not do any of them.  Even worse, BIL1 saw FIL fairly regularly these past few months, but somehow missed a very bad infection on his hand (FIL inadvertently scratched his hand).  The infection became MRSA and FIL ended up in the hospital.  BIL1 knew nothing about Parkinson's and did not think to call FIL's Parkinson's doctor, who would have warned him to make sure that FIL was not sedated and restrained flat on his back.  FIL aspirated, got pneumonia, and died.  So none of this has turned out as expected.  Sometimes life takes strange turns.

I wish I could feel something, but honestly, all I feel is relief.

[wisingup]

Wow Sneezy - I can't believe how quickly and tragically that went bad.  How are you holding up now, and your DH?  There is likely to be drama to come over finalizing FIL's affairs.  I wish you strength and peace in the days ahead - sending hugs!!

[moglow]

Wow indeed, mixed feelings for you. No one saw that coming. My best for all of you as you work through this latest. Remind FH and yourself, blame and guilt has no place here. Don't place it on or  accept it from others. 

Peace be with all of you. Do what it takes to find and hold onto that peace. Y'all have more than earned it.

[Sneezy]

There is likely to be drama to come over finalizing FIL's affairs.

There sure is!  It's really a mess.  BIL1 did not take care of financial matters and so now he and DH have to work together to get things fixed.  On the bright side, DH and BIL2 have been talking and mending fences.  It turns out that BIL2 was psychologically abused by FIL for many years, well into adulthood.  There were things that happened over the years that I never fully understood.  But now that we are hearing BIL2's side of things, these incidents finally make sense.  For example, one summer BIL2 and his fiancée didn't show up to a family event.  I assumed BIL2 was just being his usual unreliable self.  It turns out that FIL had told them there wasn't enough room, and if they came they couldn't go out boating with the family as they were "too heavy" and would put the boat over it's weight limit.  How cruel!  And just dumb, as BIL2 and his fiancée were slightly overweight, but certainly not going to sink a boat.  It was just a nasty, abusive remark that was designed to hurt them, especially given that BIL2's fiancée was very sensitive about her weight.

blame and guilt has no place here. Don't place it on or  accept it from others.

Thanks, Mo - this is good advice.  As much as I would like to blame BIL1 for everything, it's not really anyone's fault that FIL died.  His Parkinson's was progressing, and affecting him physically and mentally.  Many (most?) people with Parkinson's die from aspiration pneumonia.  This wasn't unexpected.  And it was probably a blessing, as FIL's quality of life was rapidly deteriorating.  I'm just sad that things ended on such a bad note with DH's family.  I understand that we are better off keeping our distance from some of the more toxic members of his family.  But it still feels strange and somewhat off to me.  I suppose it will feel more normal over time.