How did we all find ourselves here?

[Associate of Daniel]

I don't know if this is the correct part of the forum for this question, and it's not even a particularly important question.  I am interested in hearing some answers though, if anyone cares to respond.

How did we each come across this forum?

I, for one, stumbled across it when I could find no sufficient answers regarding my uNPD exH's behaviours.  I had been googling the labels he had given me of his diagnoses, and I could see from my research that he certainly seemed to be suffering from those conditions.  However, not all of his behaviours and thought patterns seemed to be explained by the labels.  So I started to google the behaviours instead.

The first one I typed in was "paranoia" and very quickly I came across a post on this forum that spoke about PPD.  That led me down the wonderful rabbits' warren of Out of the FOG, and I am so thankful that I accidentally found myself here.

Out of the FOG has been the best resource over the years for information, for support, for help in navigating my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife, for helping my son to navigate them and for my own healing and growth.

I have not told many people about the site and am very selective about who I've told.  I wish I could think of a way to promote it more without risking the safety of its users.  And I wish that more counsellors and psychologists (and solicitors and judges) were trained in PDs, and knew of the wonderful resource that we have here.

Anyway, I stumble across it in my own googling attempts.  What other stories of discovery do you all have?

AOD

[notrightinthehead]

I found the book "Stop walking on Eggshells" and the site was recommended there. I had been trying for a while to figure out why my marriage was so hard and why none of the usual advice worked for us. I took a while to admit to myself that I was dealing with a PD.

[Happypants]

I read the George Simon book "In Sheep's Clothing" while trying to understand my mother's increasing manipulation and smear campaign against me within my family.  Research off the back of that led me to the term "Out of the FOG", and thankfully to this forum. 

[SeaBreeze]

I figured out I was in an abusive marriage after reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". It would be another 7 years before I did a deeper dive on WHY it was abusive when I found a blog on narcissism. Finally, everything made sense?!?! Not only about H but first ex-H, ex-MIL, and my own mother.

From there, I lurked on a few narcissism blogs as well as now defunct forums Psychopath Free and another for sexually coercive relationships. All of those sites rightfully discussed how to safely leave, but none of them offered advice on how to cope if you CAN'T leave. Somehow, somewhere, a blog post or forum comment directed me here to Out of the FOG's "Committed to Working On It" and "Chosen Relationships" board. At last, some honest, helpful tips until I could get out!! Lurked about 2 years before I finally braved my first post (I was scared uNPDh would hack me and find me on here...) Now, years later, he's stbx, I'm one year out, and posting on the Separated and Divorced thread.

[xredshoesx]

i was a refugee from another online space which wasn't working  for what i needed.   i originally was on the boards at the other space trying to get help for a friend with an addiction issue when i realized it was ME with codependency issues, started learning about PD/ uPD and how that was rampant in my FOO and the rest is history......

[LemonLime]

Like AOD, when I finally started searching for the behaviors rather than the labels....that's when the magic happened for me.  That's when I started finding info on the internet that provided a breadcrumb trail to this wonderful and lifechanging forum. 

I googled "why do they rage at me".   Using "rage" as a verb seemed to really do the trick in terms of providing the information I needed.  I think I first found information by Bill Eddy on "high conflict people".  Then on and on.

Incidentally, I've found the use of "high conflict personalities" or "emotionally immature personalities" to be much better accepted by friends/therapists than any use of the word narcissism.  Apparently the prevalence of the word "narcissist" in our society today has cheapened the word somewhat so it is not often taken seriously.  I've had people scoff and tell me "oh yeah, everyone thinks their families are mostly narcissists".   And therapists who seem to almost be angry that I've mentioned the word.  oy vey!
That's just a vent...thanks for indulging me

[Cascade]

I found this site through googling some of the behaviors I saw in my pd husband. This site has been an amazing help to me over the years.

[Jsinjin]

I knew nothing about PD's and had some episodes that harmed me emotionally and my family intervened.   That led me to a therapist who recommended stop walking on eggshells and then I stumbled onto Out of the FOG details on the website then a natural extension was the forum.

[losingmyself]

I started by googling 'my husband has no empathy' and that led me to you beautiful people who quite literally saved my life!

[blacksheep7]

I googled «difficult mother» which landed me here.

This site has helped me understand my childhood, to read and connect with many others who lived through similar circumstances. Also great suggestions of books to read, helping me understand and heal.

What a lifesaver for me!

[blunk]

I knew nothing about PDs until my bpdxh admitted to me that he had been diagnosed in his late teens/early 20s.

From there I started reading and researching, eventually finding Out of the FOG as a recommended resource in Walking On Eggshells.

I am so thankful to have found this forum, it must be around 10 years ago now. All of you wonderful people helped me to gain the strength to literally safe myself.

[moglow]

Many moons ago mommie dearest had an epic meltdown that she refused to let go of. [I dared (gasp!!) stand up for myself and that's just not.done.] It eventually sent me fleeing to counseling via our employee assistance program. At the end of our first intake visit, she said my mother sounded like a borderline personality and pulled a few books off her shelves for homework reading.

That was early internet days, and I started searching everything I could about personality disorders. I found a support group formed by Randi Krueger of Stop Walking on Eggshells fame, and quickly became an active member. It was very basic and a bit hard to follow, more of a message board format. But the more I read, the more easily pieces fell into place. I realized mother isn't likely just BPD but in all likelihood histrionic and narcissistic as well. Trifecta!!

My main takeaway was that I truly wasn't alone, as I'd always believed and been told. I found so many people who truly get it, who didn't doubt or question what I and others had been through. I learned I don't have to stuff it all down and swallow it, that I feel so much better when I can get it out and let it go. This and sites like it have been invaluable for me and countless others over the years.

[Boat Babe]

I pitched up here after my second relationship with a disordered person. I had been with my partner and father of my child for 21 years - he wasn't disordered and we had a good relationship but he left me for another woman and I was devastated - a year after he left I met Mr good in bed but batshit crazy. I was still hurting and my childhood abandonment wounds had been massively triggered after lying dormant for twenty years. I knew he was trouble from the start but thought, this is fun, I can do this. Yeah, right. I dumped him when I saw that things were about to go from crazy to insane and found myself in bits - trauma bonded and embarassed. I was living on a boat at the time and only had my phone to connect to the outside world. I spent months reading and lurking here at Out of the FOG and ended up being an enthusiastic poster. I have huge respect for everyone here and thank everyone who ever replied to my posts with compassion and wisdon. I also apologise for being occasionslly over opinionated!

[Pepin]

I actually joined years before under a different user name.  I was here to work on my father....and then stopped and I really cannot remember why.  It might have been emotional overload (?) and I also started seeing therapists. 

And then I realized that CN MIL was becoming a significant problem in my life.  I returned as Pepin and the bulk of my posts are about her.  I also belong to a number of FB groups that I check in daily with.  There are also a gazillion podcasts that I listen to and I've read many books. 

Despite doing all the above things, I don't feel that I am fully healed yet over CN MIL because it is too fresh.  I am however healed from my childhood and my father.  I still have more writing and processing to do.  I am still triggered from time to time mostly because we live near where CN MIL lived.....and because DH brings things up about her that I mostly don't care to hear - but I can't really tell him to stop.  He didn't see what I saw.  And I am hoping that some day he will finally see.  I am trying not to hold out for that...but, it depends how things go between us as we continue to move forward.  So for now I will visit here as needed. 

[Lady Bug]

Hi,
My total confusion and desperation for answers to what was going on in my head caused me to stumble onto this forum and it looked like the best form of insight and support.

I would class myself as a level-headed, stable introvert whose relationships have always been stable and healthy. I feel a bit like a shadow of my former self and feel lost as to who I am now. Was beginning to feel like I'd gone crazy...literally. I'm not sure if it's me. I can't seem to get my mind off this person 24/7 and that's not me.

Also I have an interest in mental health and am studying to be a therapist and it's interesting to hear other people's experiences, feelings and thoughts.

[Rose1]

Well it's a long story. I started off on "the Nook". About 4 years after my separation I finally realised that personality disorder was a thing and not just a description of bad behaviour.

Exbpdh had been diagnosed and my youngest d was requiring further investigation. Doctor assured me she didn't have a personality disorder and the penny dropped. I was still very messed up and couldn't afford counselling so I researched and found the Nook.

On and off over the years I needed more research. Exbpdh never gave up on the parental alienation and my D's were getting into their teens with lots of questions. And I discovered parallel parenting was so much better.

Along the way I met my current husband in the group as well. We've been married for 14 years now and my girls are adults.

About 10 years ago I had a 💡 moment that my mother was likely covert npd which certainly explained a lot. So I had a new batch of healing to do. And more research. Plus I hope giving something back.

[IsleOfSong]

Years ago, in exasperation over my largely lousy home life, I googled "Why is my wife always angry?" and that led me to another website for non-PD spouses of narcissists, borderlines, etc. I was on their board for a number of years but eventually grew tired of some of the viewpoints expressed there, and that led me here.

Instead of googling "Why is my wife always angry?" I should have googled "Why do I put up with a wife who's always angry?" That's the real question, even now...

Anyway, I'm quite grateful for this group!

[moglow]

 love this response, Isle!!

[Invisiblewoman]

I began discussing my treatment from my family when my mother was dying. I thought I was the problem given how they were responding to me.

I read over a chain of emails they sent me and their reaction seems like classic baiting. I pointed out a discrepancy in something they said and said it seemed disrespectful and asked for an apology.

They came at me with a vengeance and brought up that one time, months ago when I said I would never speak to them again if they handed out my address (without asking me). I never quite made a threat like that; actually I made a joke of it. They tried to deny saying anything to provoke my reaction and tried to play innocent.

I didn't respond so they accused me of being "poisonous, a liar and exactly like your abuser" they said I could have nice things but I ruined it by questioning them. They told me they were disowning me.

I never responded with the same energy at all. They lied to try and paint me as attacking them. My response was chill, and I referred back to the original issues without making it personal. I was critical of their actions and stated my reasons. They just threw out accusations to deflect accountability.

They said I was psychotic and they were going to charge me with harassment and then proceeded to loop someone else into the argument who accused me of lying about the abuse I grew up with.

I was directed to the site by someone when I began discussing the behaviour that I was experiencing.

I really thought it was my fault at first; but looking back their behaviour was just toxic and very deceptive. It seemed like a wild amount of projection