Has anyone ever confronted son/daughter about alienation?

[verum71]

I've been out of the group for a while.  My teenage daughter (soon to be 17) has been living with mom full time for the last year and a half.  I try to stay invovlved (go to conferences at school, sporting events, check in with a text, schedule lunch dates, etc.) and I am currently getting little to no response - like 95% of the time - no texts, no acknowdgeing that I am there, cancelling lunch dates, not responding to requests to get together).  I'm just exhausted and frustrated and hurt.  I'm posting this because I am wondering if any other parents out there have just said to their child "I feel like im being ignored and I am not even close to a priority in your life."  What set me off today was I had asked her last Thursday about getting together for lunch - she did not respond.  I texted her today "What are you up to?"  She did respond - said she was going to go with her mom to babysit my granddaughter.  I'm not so naive to know that this is the nature of the teenage beast - just venting a little

[Lookin 2 B Free]

My youngest is no longer a teen, but does the same thing.  "Oops, meant to answer and forgot."  If it's important I'll put in all caps "Pls answer" which almost always does the trick.  Once I said "Are you mad at me?"  "No, sorry, just got busy."  If I text "Need your help" or "Just been in an accident" or anything important, I always hear back right away.  But peers take priority.  It doesn't hurt my feelings, but can be annoying.

[atticusfinch]

verum,

I know how hard it is when you have teenagers and a toxic ex to figure out if what you're dealing with is alienation or just normal teenage stuff. For me, the answer is usually both? Yes, it's true, teens aren't the best at responding, but I think your gut is telling you there is more to it than that, or else you wouldn't have put alienation in your post's title? (Recently I decided that sometimes I gaslight myself out of believing my intuition. I don't know if this is true for you?)

The answer to your question about alienation is that I have tried here and there to talk about alienation and it has never gone well. Even if it is clear to me that they got a certain toxic idea from my ex (based on the timing of when they say it, etc), they become very defensive and insist that it is their idea/thought/whatever. Have you ever read Divorce Poison (Warshak)? He talks about this.

I understand why you'd be so frustrated and I definitely think you're a hero for showing up for her over and over despite how painful it is. My kids can act like this at times and I do think that it's usually part teenage behavior and part alienation. My ex definitely brainwashes the kids against me and they are also afraid of him, which means that if we are at a public event on my parent time, he guilts them into sitting with him, but on his parent time, he will not allow them to leave his side, let alone speak to me or even acknowledge my presence (at one soccer game I couldn't even get my kids to look at me so I could give them a quick wave). And he inculcates disrespect for me and my time, my rules, etc.

I'm just saying this to validate you that your instincts are telling you alienation is at least partially to blame here. I do think you're handling it really well despite how painful it sounds.

[Stepping lightly]

I know how frustrating this can be.  I would suggest you just keep being there for her, but don't make her feel guilty for not responding or missing lunches.  She is living with a PD and she is a teenager.  It may hurt, but usually parents are absolutely not a priority in their teens lives, quite the opposite.  DH and I have battled this with my step kids.  We keep things easy breezy in texts and just go with the flow as much as we can. I try to find things to text to the kids that are funny and totally benign...just a "I'm thinking of you and no obligation to respond". When they do respond, I try not to go back and forth too many times.  This also gives ypu things to laugh about when you see her next time.