Am I doing this on purpose?

[keepmoving]

My uPD friend is very reactive depending on her mood. She is particularly reactive with regards to her ex-boyfriend, which of course I can understand, but she takes it to another level, and often reacts very strongly to things barely relating to him, and it has been a long time since they broke up. Mainly she reacts when one of her friends has been hanging out with him or something like that.

I have been friends with her ex-boyfriend for a while and want to be able to hang out at my house, where I live with my uPD friend. She hasn't told me he can't come over, I've never asked, but I have been on the receiving end of her complaining about our other friends hanging out with him, saying how this either proves a friend isn't making an effort in their relationship or that her ex is not respecting that these are 'her' friends that she introduced him to.

I have been reading material about codependency lately and am trying not to worry about how other people will react to what I do but I can't pretend I don't know how she (my uPD friend) may react and how that affects my own behavior. I want to invite my friend (uPD's ex boyfriend) over to watch a movie because I'm tired of always having to be the one to drive over to his house to watch movies.

I kind of don't want to ask her permission because I think the answer will be no, and I don't necessarily believe that I need to ask her permission.

If I do invite him over, am I purposely upsetting her? Is it worth it to even try. I'm struggling with avoiding conflict while also living my life. I could drop this completely but I am wondering what this would mean about my relationship with my uPD friend, that I constrict my life to avoid her reactions.

[moglow]

Instead of seeing it as "constricting my life to avoid her reactions," consider your feelings were the situation reversed. I can't see how that would be appealing for anyone. Yes he's your friend too but you know going in how she feels, how she's likely react. Invite her ex into her home and she's smacked in the face with it, can't get away from it short of leaving entirely.

You inviting him over wouldn't be simply upsetting for me, something to be shrugged off. It makes a whole other statement about your supposed friendship.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with moglow.

[keepmoving]

I think if it was only about me not inviting her ex over to our house, I would never have even considered it.

However, within the broader context of our friendship, where she has made constricting requests toward me, (asking me not to go places because my personality makes it so she is unable to socialize, yelling at me on the street for not taking the train home with her).
 
I find myself confused with what is a reasonable accommodation for her and and what isn't. When I put myself in her shoes I don't understand her reasoning for some of her reactions to things, so I'm unable to see things fully from her perspective.

I personally struggle with what are and aren't reasonable requests or accommodations, for both myself and others. I had no secure personal boundaries growing up with my uPD parent. They enforced many particular rules, I had little personal autonomy.

I can't tell when I am being too people pleasing. And then I over correct, which is I think what I'm doing with this ex-boyfriend situation.

Maybe I am only considering this situation with her ex because I am at the end of my rope with this friendship and am no longer wanting to consider her feelings. As her actions towards me (telling me she took medication to o.d. but then telling me later after I call 911 that she actually didn't) have shown she does not consider mine.

In which case, there are better ways to end a friendship than this.

[Poison Ivy]

I would be uncomfortable in this relationship because of the things the person is doing and expecting. Is there any possibility for you to move out of the home you share with this person?

[notrightinthehead]

Keepmoving, your housemate seems to be a difficult person and she makes random rules and has temper tantrums that put you on edge.
While I agree that bringing her ex home and slapping her in the face with that, would not be kind behavior at all, I can understand that you want to make a point and stand up for yourself. But what would be the point? It will be best for you if you accept that you cannot change another person and that you have no control over how another person behaves, but you can make sure that you become the best person you can be. You can learn so much about yourself in contact with this person. How you behave when angry, pushed to the limit, bullied. What you do to stand up for yourself and how you feel then. What you value in a friendship, what doesn't work for you. And how to elegantly extricate yourself.

[moglow]

When you reach a point you are no longer considering someone's feelings, it's a thin line to doing things to provoke a confrontation. Rather than smack back with what appears deliberate provocation, is it possible to talk things out? Let her know what's bothering you, see if you can work it out between you? If not (or if you're met with yet another litany of what you're "doing wrong") it may be time for you to move. Find another roommate. Stop socializing with her where you're in any way responsible for her.

No one else is responsible for your behavior, just as you're not responsible for theirs. Boundaries don't fall into your lap, you decide what they are and you live them. Decide what is/isn't acceptable behavior and go with that. You don't have to announce them.

You decide how to handle *yourself*, not what the other person should do (and then get mad when they don't do it). They're not rules for others to follow but rather more about treating them as you'd like to be treated yourself. Ex: friend pitches tantrum in the street? You can walk away. Yelling about it serves no one, and she's not interested in being reasonable anyway. She's entitled to her opinion and you're just as entitled to not subject yourself to a tantrum. If you were going to take the train with her, you'd have said so. She decided to leave then meltdown that she rode alone. Yes she may have been scared but all actions have consequences. She made a choice just as you did. You're not necessarily there to always hold her hand and make her feel safe. Asking you to not go somewhere because *she'd* be uncomfortable? Perhaps she needs to reconsider going. Or you could decide to go elsewhere rather than put up with petulance or complaints about her not liking "your behavior." She can absolutely ask, and you can still decide for yourself what you want to do. You're adults, not little children.

Yes she needs to find some boundaries and accept responsibility for her own behavior and choices as well. That's not your job. Your job is your life and how you choose to live it. I'm not at all suggesting you become a bully who demands everyone kowtow to them, but maybe you can do things differently while still considering how your actions affect those around you.

[Catothecat]

From what you describe, keepmoving, this friend has a history of acting out and you have a history of trying to deal with it in order to remain her friend.  She doesn't seem to put much thought into what kind of friend she is to you.  She just pushes your buttons and watches you react to her needs of the moment.

While I think the "ex coming over" situation may very well be a subconscious attempt to watch her reactions for a change, I also think you're realizing the friendship might no longer be worth the effort so why not go nuclear and just end it?  But you also seem uncertain that you really want to end it.  I think at this point you really need to examine what you get out of the friendship and opposed to what you're giving.  From what you describe, you do most of the giving and this has simply been the final straw.  Living with her greatly complicates the situation, and as long as you live with her you have to deal with her. I agree with notright that you can use this as a learning experience while you figure out what to do.  At this moment she might seem impossible but trying to understand what's going on in the context of your responses and reactions and not just where she's at is well worth it.  You finally benefit you.   

[keepmoving]

Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate them all.

I hear what has been said about focusing on my own behavior, and I want to. In part, this issue is about my own behavior; am I too quick to judge this person? Am I acting out of malice?

The difficult part of my relationship with my friend is that she is not always acting in extreme ways. And there usually is an apology (sort of) afterwards. There may be months between incidents. Which makes me wonder if I am over-reacting about these incidents I've described. I'm afraid I don't know how to forgive a person fully if I keep referring back to these incidents to contextualize her behavior.

I'm aware my alarm bells go off quite often, but I usually attribute this to hyper-vigilance, but then I try to over correct by ignoring them.

I don't know what is an ok amount of incidents to put up with, I think due to my uPD parent consistently (with breaks of good behavior in between) causing incidents, and then repeating the cycle, I have a hard time gauging what is normal and what isn't.

 
I am considering moving out, but as I said, this friend isn't always so reactive, I have had good memories with her.

But maybe my consideration of inviting her ex over is a sign that I do not forgive her for what she's put me through, if I am using her poor behavior as a justification for my own.

[Cat of the Canals]

I find myself confused with what is a reasonable accommodation for her and and what isn't. When I put myself in her shoes I don't understand her reasoning for some of her reactions to things, so I'm unable to see things fully from her perspective.

I personally struggle with what are and aren't reasonable requests or accommodations, for both myself and others. I had no secure personal boundaries growing up with my uPD parent. They enforced many particular rules, I had little personal autonomy.

I can't tell when I am being too people pleasing. And then I over correct, which is I think what I'm doing with this ex-boyfriend situation.

I empathize with this a LOT, and I don't always think there's a right or wrong answer, at least not one that would fit every situation. If I recall your previous post, she seemed upset that you spend time with her ex at all, not just at the house, is that right? I would consider that, in most cases, an unreasonable expectation/demand on her part. And I can see why it would color your feelings re: him hanging out at your house.

But I do think moglow has a point, and I think if you can't put yourself in her shoes, maybe try putting a more neutral roommate in the same situation. This is a roommate saying, "I would prefer this person not be in our home."

I like to think in terms of reason. Does it seem reasonable that someone wouldn't want an ex hanging around their house regularly? I think so. And are you able to reasonably accommodate that request? Given that you can go to his house or meet elsewhere, I'd say so. To me, the easy answer is, don't invite him over when she's going to be around.

The trick is separating it from other *less* reasonable demands. That's the hard part. I go through this a lot with my PDmil. She's so demanding and so petty and so pushy, it makes me want to say "NO" to every request. And my opinion is that when you start having that gut reaction, it's time to lessen contact. Why spend time with someone who brings out the worst in you?

[moglow]

Keepmoving, no one among us is all good or all bad, or will ever be. Sometimes we have to weigh and measure "is this the hill I want to die on" kind of thing. This may be a good time for you to start learning who you want to be and what you need to do to get there. And yes, this is about your stuff as much as hers. Look at why you might want a bit of retaliation or "so what" - really think if that's who you want to be and what you'd get out of it. That you're questioning it is a GOOD thing.

Given my history with mommie dearest, I'm not down with being belittled and yelled at, in public or private. If someone can't treat me better than that -even some of the time- it's a hard no for me and I'm out. Be mad, be real mad, but give us a chance to talk about and work through it. Claim whatever upsets us and why [OWN your stuff, however ugly it may be!], and resolve to do better, ya know? If she's unable to do that, it's a problem. If she gives a half assed apology just to shut you up and doesn't change the behavior, it's a problem. 

You get to decide where those lines are for you. If she's actually a good friend who just loses control at times [was she drinking, stressed, tired etc that might somewhat explain it?], address THAT and help her own up to it. Be her friend and encourage her to get professional help if she needs it. If she can't or won't ... again, it's a problem.

Pride is a hard master, harder for some. My mother is one for blaming any and everyone else and never owning her own stuff. She'll go off over some stupidity then hide in a corner until she feels better, come out weeks or months later pretending all is well. Nary an apology or admission of how wrong she was is seen anywhere. We're just all supposed to get over it while she throws the next imaginary object at our heads as soon as opportunity presents. Nothing is "talked out" and there's no understanding - she holds ancient resentments up as something to be worshipped and used again for her next meltdown. Somewhat different situation from what you have with your friend, BUT I have learned to stop and consider how she'd feel if I treated her the way she does me. She wouldn't like it, and I wouldn't like myself for it. 

[keepmoving]

I have been analyzing my relationships with other friends of mine and I prefer a more emotionally steady friendship, where perhaps the highs aren't so high but the lows aren't so low. And I want to be that type of friend as well, someone reliably rational, who is open to feedback and who is able to communicate openly.

You get to decide where those lines are for you. If she's actually a good friend who just loses control at times [was she drinking, stressed, tired etc that might somewhat explain it?], address THAT and help her own up to it. Be her friend and encourage her to get professional help if she needs it. If she can't or won't ... again, it's a problem.

Upon reflection, I think that while the large blow-ups are what stick out in my mind, the day to day issues that arise for her, that she brings to me, are also exhausting. She is often in crisis, if not crisis then struggling with how someone made her feel or what they meant by this. I find I am helping her process reality, as her knee-jerk reactions seem to be that she is being attacked or that others aren't being considerate of her.

Partially I am to blame for not creating clearer boundaries sooner. I think I enjoy helping people work through their problems ( or am just used to it as I was often made to do this with my uPD father ) and this relationship fed into that part of my ego. Unfortunately, I am seeing a pattern where when I am unable to do this for her, to prioritize her, she reacts negatively to me. So I don't know if there are any excuses I could give for her behavior such as drinking or being tired.

I had encouraged her in the past to find a therapist, and she did. I don't know how helpful it's been though as most of the more dramatic incidents occurred after she had been going to therapy.

I told her I need time to trust her again after a recent strange situation, and so have been kind of medium chill for the past two weeks and it's been giving me a lot more time to focus on myself. I feel like I'm going through the stages of grief ( this situation with her ex may have been apart of the 'anger' step ) and am trying to imagine what a relationship with better boundaries would look like, if it's possible. But more importantly, I have been thinking about myself and what I want to do in my life. I am excited about other things in my life and find I have less energy or desire to put towards this situation with my friend.