Is the Baiting? PD Husband

[Just Kathy]

I picked 'Just Katy' in honor of "Cathy," which ran in newspapers 365 days a year from 1976 to 2010. For its creator, she said, "It began as a way for me to cope with a changing world. It ended so I could cope with my changing life -- a daughter facing her last year of high school, parents facing their 90s, and me facing the deep need to take care of everyone, plus get started on the other 50,000 things on my to-do list."

I can relate to what Cathy Guisewite experienced I loved the cartoon and hardly missed a day of its publication from 2000 to 2010 - so my handle is Just Kathy, as in Just like Cathy Gistwithe.

My question: Is this baiting?

I'm pondering if this behavior qualifies as baiting. Baiting is a tactic where a provocative action is deliberately used to elicit an angry, aggressive, or emotional reaction from someone.

Throughout my experiences with my PD (Personality Disordered) husband, I've observed a pattern. Whenever I initiate a conversation about topics beyond trivial matters or his accolades, he seems to engage with me for two specific purposes.
Firstly, he appears to be collecting information that he could potentially use to my disadvantage in the future. Secondly, it feels like a rehearsal for his manipulative tactics.

In recent days, my PD husband has been overwhelming me with declarations of love, a phenomenon often referred to as 'love-bombing.' However, there was a stark shift in his demeanor yesterday; he omitted his usual expressions of affection and adopted a notably cold attitude toward me. This morning, he made a point of saying, "I love sleeping with you," which, in the context of our interactions, translates to enjoying the physical comfort and benefits of my company, such as back and neck massages, rather than expressing genuine emotional affection. The underlying message I deciphered from his statement was, "I don't love you – BUT- I love the conveniences you provide by being close to me."

At the moment, my response was to look at him without offering any reaction. Upon reflection, however, a wave of anger surged, compelling me to confront him about his words. Yet, the fear of being labeled the 'crazy one' in the scenario held me back. Recognizing the potential fallout of a direct confrontation, I chose to channel my thoughts and emotions into my journal instead. This approach provided me with a safe space to express my feelings and analyze the situation without escalating the conflict or subjecting myself to further misunderstanding or judgment.

If I were to try to get reassurance from him, he would label me as 'needy' or 'you are causing problems.'

I view my decision to remain non-reactive in the face of provocation as a step towards healthier behavior on my part. By journaling my thoughts and feelings instead of directly confronting him, I maintained a semblance of peace. This reflection led me to a pivotal realization: my sense of worth has become entangled with his approval. Acknowledging this dependency, I understand the importance of shifting towards self-validation. The journey ahead involves learning to affirm my value independently rather than seeking validation from him. This self-validation is essential for my emotional autonomy and overall well-being.

Thanks!

[Just Kathy]

My apologies; I got Cathy's name incorrect - it should be Cathy Lee Guisewite.

[Cascade]

Hi Kathy, yes, I think that may be baiting. Good for you to turn to your journal instead of reacting openly to him. I journal a lot, especially about the things my Pd husband says or does, and it helps me cope with all the stress and pain he causes me.

[notrightinthehead]

Well done Katy! You responded with perfect medium chill. Didn't take the bait.

I bet he will increase his efforts or become more direct.

[sunshine702]

That is encouraging- you are doing good!

I am just starting to do this journaling.   I get new insights by writing versus speaking I have found. Writing to you guys or writing in a journal. Both help!   And talking and stating my perceptions/ fears/ emotional needs to him gets a fight EVERY SINGLE TIME.  We fight nearly every day now.  I drove by apartments in the actually city today. Twice.  They look really nice. I had seen them before.  I get closer and closer to maybe leaving

I am also easily reactive. Also "the crazy one". He will litigate me -  you said I RARELY take your side but here in a text message from last Thursday I say "you are right".  So HOw can that be right?  Admit you LIE!!!!!  Any sort of discussions feels like this. Instead of empathy.  I am not going to get that from him.  I need to give up on that pipe dream. 

And Any sort of tough discussion where dang it it is fine that I am wrong but I want to hear I am sorry I can see how scary or hurtful or that could be for you.  I am not going to get this.  Even if I am dead wrong about his mom digging in the trash not being hoarding at least acknowledge my fear of how It could LOOK like that and it is understandable to worry but don't worry we will handle this all together and it will be fine!  That is what I want.
I am not going to get that.  I am never going to get that

[Lady Bug]

As someone who didn't hear the entire conversation on know this history it didn't sound like baiting to me. I saw no evidence he was trying to solicit an angry reaction from you,that's just seems to be how you've taken it. Sometimes, it's how we see things that can cause problems not what people say.

But again, you know him. And little information was provided about the full conversation. To me it sounded like a compliment you took wrong. Maybe he didn't mean the back rubs at all. Maybe you see him as lacking affection because you like a lot and maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's more cool. What you see as "love bombing" if him trying to give you the attention you need. Sometimes a constant dosing of affection is exhausting and people need to chill a bit.

But I didn't find much information provided here so maybe I just don't know enough.