Negative effects even when they’re not actively engaging in another attack

[Susannenotmyrealname]

Does anyone else feel like their BPD family member is ruining or negatively affecting their life in some ways even at times when things are relatively quiet?

After starting counseling a couple of months ago to help me deal with the grief of losing my dad, I finally was able to put a name to the verbally and emotionally abusive behavior I had been subjected to for so long from my older sister. Based on what I have discussed with my counselor, she said it is highly likely that my sister has BPD. She can't make an official diagnosis without having seen her, of course, but she said the behaviors and things I was describing to her were consistent with BPD.

As if losing my dad wasn't painful enough, it has been made many times worse due to my older sister's harassment, threats and verbal/emotional abuse, which seemed to ramp up even more when our dad was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease a couple of years ago and even more so after he passed away recently. It has taken such a toll on me mentally and physically that I feel like I've aged about a hundred years in a very short time.

My older brother is aware of the abusive behavior and has even had a taste of it himself, but hasn't been subjected to it anywhere near as often or as severely as I have. He hasn't had to live "under the gun," so to speak, the way I have and is more or less unsympathetic to my plight and it really hurts. He has gotten angry with me before when I've called him upset after another round of abuse and has said things like I need to "grow up" and figure it out for myself and so on.

What's adding even more pain to an already very painful situation is that I am having to move out of our longtime family home, where I lived with our dad until his passing, much sooner than I was ready to. I have assumed responsibility for all of the bills, property tax and so on, and was originally told I wouldn't have to leave and that the house wasn't going anywhere. That changed pretty quickly and my sister's behavior has gotten so much worse these last few months that I am being forced out of here at a time when I am not yet ready to leave. This is the only place where I feel some sense of comfort and familiarity. Since I have a sister who goes out of her way to make my life hell every chance she gets and a brother who is just the opposite and makes me feel ignored and like he hardly gives a damn, I at least want to be where my parents were and where their things still are for now.

I'm angry and upset a lot of the time because it seems like everything would be a lot easier to handle if I didn't have to live with the constant fear or threat of another attack from my sister or worry about finding a different house and leaving behind the one that is my only source of comfort because of her. I feel like her abusive behavior dictates everything even when she's not actively engaging in another attack against me.

I don't know if I am explaining it properly, but does anyone else ever feel that way? Like the BPD family member's abusive behavior ruins everything in one way or another?

[LemonLime]

Oh, I can certainly relate.  And this, of course, is one of the biggest challenges of having an uPD person in the family.  How do we keep them out of our heads and keep them from ruining our peace?  Because that's what they are skilled at....ruining peace.  I remember when, in this 5-year journey of learning about PDs and how they work, I realized that my PD sib does not WANT peace.  "HUH?" I said to myself.  "Who doesn't want peace, and why?" 
They thrive on and feed on DRAMA, that's why.  They NEED it to feel alive.  It's how they're wired. 

Accepting that has been difficult, and although I'll never know for sure, I do believe that my sister actually believes that she loves peace and hates drama.  That's right....her very curated image is that she is a peace-loving hippie.  That NOBODY loves peace more than she does.  That she is very considerate and loving to all human beings, far more than I or anyone else in our family is.   

All this while raging at us whenever she deems us as deserving a rage.

You have a very challenging situation because of your close proximity to your family.  I don't have that.  And yet I still struggle.  I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

I would say you nailed the central question of dealing with PDs....how to keep them out of your head.  I would guess most of us on this board struggle with that as a central question.  For many of us the amount of time we have to deal with the PD in real life pales with the amount of time we allow them to occupy "real estate in our heads".

So...HOW to get them out of our heads, and thus HOW to stop them from ruining our lives?

This forum is full of tools.  The ToolBox.  Recommendations of videos by Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, Jerry Wise.
Book recommendations (many of us have found "Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist" by Fjelstand to be invaluable.  I certainly did.  The answer is that we have to work on ourselves.  We have to change how we look at things and we have to change our actions.  It's an "inside job".

It's not easy, as you can see by reading all of our posts.  But we are on this journey together, and you are welcome here.  We are here to support you.

Please keep posting.  

[LoverofPeace]

I have been here in the past and due to recent events with my Nmom's passing, it brought me back here to find how to continue navigating my way through my worse narc experience yet: the Nsis.

You both couldn't have said it any better on how they affect us even when they're not there and how they have to start drama even though they think they're all about peace. It's all so warped.

My Nsis raged so badly at me when my Nmom passed this past February. After I yelled out asking her why she hates me (I caved in and forgot to keep it cool), she was satisfied and calmed down. I realized she had 'gotten' me. It's all sick because this isn't a game with my mother passing.

But like Lemonlime said, they need this to feel alive. Well, she's ghosted for now, and this time I'm staying radio silent/not pursuing.

I remember hearing as a child how life is not what you think it is. Man, do I  understand that now, because this is some hard, unreal stuff and I hate that it invades a good soul's life.

As also said, we must work on shifting from the inside. I've been on that journey for awhile now, and I'm grateful to God for these lessons and tools.

Stay safe, well-rested, and blessed!

 

[Invisiblewoman]

I want to add that I have been there when my nmother died and my nbrother and a complicated aunt involved themselves as if I was the problem. When I disagreed with how they handled it I was met with stonewalling. When I dared to recognize the behaviour and make mention of it they lashed out in a rage, and accused me of drama; yet they seemed to be the epitome of drama.

All I can do now is distance myself and try to make life meaningful for myself and those I choose to let in.

They don't deserve any rent free space in my head. But they cause trauma and that's where they unfortunately take space.

[Rebel13]

Hi SusanneNMRN, what a difficult spot you are in! I know it will take you some time to grieve the deaths of your parents and handle the stress of losing your home.

However, I wonder if one day you might see that leaving your parents' house is also an opportunity -- for your sister to lose all power over you. When you have your own home, furnished with the beloved possessions of your parents, you can choose exactly how and when and why to be in touch with her -- or not at all!

I very much understand your feelings about your brother. My relationship with my brother is also very fractured, due to the circumstances of our upbringing. Abusive families break sibling relationships, even when none of the siblings has a personality disorder. (The jury's still out on my brother, my mother's golden child; he might have a very bad case of "fleas", or it might be more than that.) It's hard to have to recognize that no family relationship will be what we would wish, but a lot of us here know how that is, and we can support you in your distress when your brother cannot. There are also some very good resources listed in this thread, on this site, and elsewhere that can help you support yourself. I wish you the best in navigating your current situation.

[nanotech]

It's helpful to remind yourself that despite the persistent rumbles of the brain, where we can often wait for the other shoe to drop, ruminating on what move they will make next, please remind yourself constantly, that you ARE safe. Safe wherever you are, whether that's your present home or in a nice new one.

I can see that you've had little sympathy from your brother. I too, used to contact my sisters and complain about the treatment I received from my PD parents. I no longer do this. Whether they're in denial or just trying to stay out of it for their own sake, they won't or can't support us. One I accepted this, I eventually ended up with a better relationship with them. But I remain low contact with boundaries.

In PD dominated families, illness and death of one of the main characters always causes  total outrage. It affects the fine balance of the roles of each family member. It threatens disintegration of the family system.
All the toxic, dysfunctional behaviour mushrooms up horribly, then pops out its disgusting pollution everywhere. The affected family members  frantically seek out balance as the family system blows up and threatens to dissipate. The only answer is a quick blame bunny, whipping boy, scapegoat. If they can blame the whole thing on one person, they may be able to all crawl back to a place of safety.
The enormous anger and overwhelm they feel creates a desperate need to seek out a scapegoat upon whole the rest of the family members can cruelly dump their emotions. This saves them dealing with the pain and fear of losing a powerful 'player' within the family system.
This happened to me in my family, when my UNBPDmum became terminally ill, and then passed.
I think this is what happened to you.
If it is, it isn't really that personal, being a lot more about them than you.
Look up Jerry Wise on YouTube  His videos on Family Systems are eye opening
Also read, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward - eye opening, life changing book.

[Rebel13]

In PD dominated families, illness and death of one of the main characters always causes  total outrage. It affects the fine balance of the roles of each family member. It threatens disintegration of the family system.

This is a fantastic point. I'll keep this in mind as my 82-year-old mom grumbles her way toward death.