Triggered by bereaved friend

[Kaz1956]

My husband has a male cousin that I have known for 40+ years, we are all in our 60's. For many years we were not in touch but 18 years ago we reconnected with him and his new partner and then husband. The cousin was always a self-absorbed, grumpy and demanding person but at times could be fun. His husband was an enabler but was sunny, funny and a lovely man. His main role in life seemed to be managing his husband's moods. Nonetheless we spent lots of time with them, including travel and staying over.
Six months ago, the husband died suddenly and tragically in another country while they were on holidays. The cousin was distraught and was also mildly injured.
I was a nurse for 40 years and managed complex rehabilitation cases including insurance. For this reason my husband and I volunteered for one of us to fly to help and it made sense for me to go given my experience. I flew 10 hours on 12 hours notice.
While in the country where the incident happened it was extremely intense. The cousin wanted his husband cremated in the country and not at home. There were complex insurance, funeral and financial arrangements for me to resolve. The cousin was checked out, rarely calm and often bizarre, distraught but always demanding to the point of being a bully. I allowed it all given the distressing situation but found it almost overwhelming. I have cPTSD from uNPD parents and uBPD and uNPD siblings. I have one non brother thankfully.
Things culminated on the evening after the cremation. The cousin asked to speak to me about something important. I agreed. We met for dinner and he disclosed that he was attracted to someone else also a widower. He confessed he'd spent the afternoon texting with this man and it had become flirtatious. He wanted my advice on the relationship and wondered aloud if it could become something. I was absolutely horrified and said that I believed he was seeking to distract himself from the pain of losing his husband and that this was not the time to be engaging in that kind of behaviour. I couldn't believe he'd be doing this on the day he buried his partner of 27 years. I actually felt ill as I too was grieving his lovely husband and my dear friend.
We arrived home and his sister met him thankfully while my husband met me. We live about an hours apart.
In the six months since that time we have continued to support the cousin and it's not been easy. It's constant texts, calls, coming to stay. He's gradually becoming more stable but it's also apparent that the moody behaviour we'd observed for many years is actually much more. I believe he is uNPD.
I'm well versed in NPD behaviours and have been ever more convinced that this is what is at the heart of the cousins behaviour. The deceased husband is no longer here placating, soothing and buffering so the cousin has turned his attention to me full blast. It's much more than grief and predates his husband's passing. He's always been difficult and self absorbed his whole life.
After six months of this I am burning out and feel constantly triggered by him. I am experiencing anxiety at the idea of seeing him.
Two days ago he texted me that he'd been asked to review the travel insurer and had posted a nasty review online. He thought he was clever and was attempting to hoover me to his viewpoint. I had dealt with the insurer and while some things could have been smoother, overall they paid out a great deal of money including paying for all the costs overseas , the funeral arrangements and flying us both home business class. I found the review online and it was horrible.
I responded giving my opinion in a few sentences and added that I had a different view but that he was entitled to his opinion of course.
In classic NPD fashion he responded an hour later in a passive aggressive tone lecturing me about how he'd suffered at their hands etc etc and signed off with lots of love, emoji hearts and kisses. I have not responded to this. All the care and concern he's received from us was thrown out the window instantly..... Anyone recognise this ?
It's come to a crisis I feel but I'm utterly stuck for what to do. We have to see each other today at a mutual friend's house for lunch.
If this was not a bereavement situation I'd just pull back and gradually open up space until I was VLC or NC. I am NC with almost all my FOO but have a great family of my own.
It seems that he holds all the cards and that any attempt to set boundaries will be met with the trump card of grief and loss. After all I flew to his aid so everyone sees me as some kind of hero. There is an overseas holiday with friends later this year and he's coming for part of it. There seems to be no way to get away from him.
My husband feels that we can manage till the trip is over and make decisions then. My experience with NPD says you need strong boundaries to survive but also that you have to expect the NPD to react badly. Rage, propaganda campaigns, hoovering, flying monkeys and passive aggression usually are the outcomes. I'm quite triggered by his reaction to my different opinion about the insurer. Bang on target for a narc.
My instincts are on high alert and I want some time out from this situation. I am experiencing all those feelings so familiar from my own uNPD FOO family, that is anxiety, walking on eggshells, apprehension etc.
 I've come to realise that he is not a nice person at all and that the deceased husband buffered us all. Some friends that were his husband's friends primarily have already told him that the friendship won't be continuing.
The cousin used to say that people loved his husband but put up with him. It's appearing to be true.
I know this is complicated. I'd value your thoughts. Thank you 🙏

[xredshoesx]

i think it was really kind of you to offer to help your husband's cousin during the time of the bereavement and i'm sorry the cousin has taken advantage of your kindness.  i like the idea of letting things sit until after the holiday you are all going on together as well.  the cousin def sounds like a piece of work and i can understand that a personality like what you've described that will just play every card possible to get all the attention/sympathy possible.

an idea would be to let your husband be the buffer and engage with the cousin as little as possible, and then if you did have to converse, using the grey rock method to be as noncomittal/ nonconfrontational as possible.  when you all are done with the trip you can do whatever you need to do go another 18 years without being in touch with one another.

let us know how the lunch went and that may be a good indicator of how to proceed with very limited contact. 

[Kaz1956]

Thanks xredshoesx, I don't feel so alone with this after sharing. I'll post an update after the lunch. One of the most isolating things about dealing with PD's is that so many folk have no experience and miss the often subtle signs. The one being targeted knows but it's often pretty much invisible to others. I appreciate that everyone here gets it.

[notrightinthehead]

Your best bet would be that he finds a replacement, like the man he was flirting with during the funeral arrangements.
It seems you have become one of his primary supplies for now, and to fade away would be the easiest.
I am sorry you have to deal with that while you are grieving the loss of your friend.
I don't see any benefit in starting a fight about the review, doubtful you can change his mind but likely to enrage him. You could write your own review if you wanted. Unfortunately I have mostly found that when I stood up to the narcissist in my life, he was willing to go further and fight harder that I ever could. So for me it was better to not engage.

Let us know how you proceed.

[lkdrymom]

I agree I think your husband needs to step in and be the buffer if he is able to handle better.  delay any responses to him and make them short. Try not to feed into his need for attention.

[Kaz1956]

Thanks all. Here is an update and it's complex. After long discussions with my husband around boundaries we attended the lunch to find that he was there but seemed to be injured. He was limping and indeed looked pale. He had called me at the end of last week complaining that his leg hurt and I told him to see a doctor. He didn't...
As it turns out he finally saw a doctor and had tests and has a hip fracture and was admitted to hospital today. He has called every day and multiple times a day. I took your advice and kept my conversations short and factual plus I had to go interstate myself to help with a sick grandchild much of the week so my husband has been buffering him quite a bit.
It's a mess and we'll have to see how this turns out. I'm dreading the request to convalesce at our place. I was a nurse for 40+ years so he calls me for everything medical.
We're going away in two weeks with one of our daughters and family so that might be helpful. He has a sister he could stay with thankfully.
In effect nothing has changed but he now is in a difficult situation as surgery is inevitable and there's a long rehab process to work though. He lives in an inner city apartment with many stairs so going home won't be an option for many weeks especially as he's there alone.
Yikes !