Wait, you want to volunteer where?!?

[MaxedOut]

This was weird enough to take me from forum reader to poster.

After another round of verbal/emotionally abusive behavior from my spouse (diagnosed mood disorders, undiagnosed but strongly exhibits borderline traits),
I was sitting in my vehicle in a parking lot, thinking over the incident. I was awoken with a string of do-this-immediately demands, then quickly led to criticizing, and SO got increasingly angrier when I asked to be spoken to in a respectful manner. More lashing out and commands. I tell SO I am trying to help but stop ordering me around. The accusations start flowing, and the name calling started. I said not to call me names, things got worse. I never raised my voice, was fully trying to do what was asked, and my only non-accommodating statements were about how I was being spoken to. SO told me to leave the house.

Sitting there, I decided to take a leap and called the local domestic violence hotline to find out about supports. No answer. I hung up without leaving a message. A bit later they called back (*and the agency name displays on my phone* - yikes on the protocol there). I find out a bit of information. I did something I was scared to do, something I had been going back and forth on for a while.

Hours later, after I return home we actually have a decent conversation (an actual conversation not just SO using anger and threats as control attempts). I don't know if there was any real empathy or regret but SO could tolerate me (very gently) mentioning it was not ok to z, y, z. Mostly I think it was just because we are in the calm portion of the cycle after a pretty intense blow-up period that ended last week.

As we move to other topics SO tells me they figured out where they want to volunteer (something of intense focus the past week). It is a local domestic violence shelter

I know enough to know my SO does not see anything about the behaviors (which include a lot of physical acting out) as "abuse" or see anything relevant/relatable about DV services or the people involved.

It was very surreal.

[notrightinthehead]

Can they check your phone? See who you called? Read your thoughts (just joking, but it sometimes seems like it)?

Welcome! You have found a good place, full of information and support. Please check out the Toolbox and begin to apply protective strategies suitable for your situation immediately and consequently.

I am worried for your safety. You made contact with the DV centre, please stay in touch and find out more what your options are. Pack your emergency bag and keep it in a safe place. Do you have means to support yourself? Money that only you have access to? If not, how can you create such an emergency fund?

There are two books I found very helpful when my journey out of an abusive relationship began : "Why does he do that?" By Bancroft, and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist " by Fjelstad.

Stick around, you will find several posts describing situations similar to yours, you are not alone!

[MaxedOut]

Valid concerns, notright. SO is not an electronic snooper (occasional "show me what x-person said"). My phone was not accessible in that timeframe and I deleted the call history. I would say I am cautious beyond what I've been given reason to watch out for. As for reading thoughts, the borderline traits combined with psychotic features from a diagnosed disorder mean SO is often convinced they know my thinking and others' (and sometimes feels they actually hear it).

I have been reading and re-reading the toolbox-it's super helpful (especially the traits). And have read both the titles you mention. SO's ID of the shelter makes sense in terms of general audiences to support/avoid, just a surprising turn.

I would not need emergency shelter, and am the wage earner and manage finances (with access to funds, plus credit and such). That actually is a driver, I believe, of heightened abusive behaviors for SO (shame triggers over mental health and physical disability, not working, etc.). And that is part of the complications for my decision-making: the consequences of leaving would be really significant and difficult for SO.

So I am moving forward on two tracks, really defining what I need, getting Out of the FOG, making much clearer stands (and making those behaviors less effective), while also preparing for the possibility of separation/divorce and trying to figure out what I need to prepare for me and what resources may be able to fill gaps for SO (but getting clear internally that I do not have an obligation to figure that out).

[notrightinthehead]

Glad to read that you are in a stronger position than I assumed.

It might be a question of boundaries then. Instead of asking your SO to speak to you in a respectful manner, how about you make an internal agreement with yourself, how you will allow yourself to be spoken to and how not. And what you will do if these bourse transgressed.

[MaxedOut]

Glad to read that you are in a stronger position than I assumed.

It might be a question of boundaries then. Instead of asking your SO to speak to you in a respectful manner, how about you make an internal agreement with yourself, how you will allow yourself to be spoken to and how not. And what you will do if these bourse transgressed.

Agreed. I have gotten better about stating boundaries and holding somewhat firmer and more consistently to my internal response commitments on boundaries (intermittent reinforcement, I know). This one was tough as it all happened over about a minute while I was still waking up. At this point, my responses are somewhere between calling it out and immediately saying I won't participate in x, and leaving.

The responses to this have included SO overdosing on meds, and some other pretty extreme things (SO has very few relationships at this point, limiting my options in terms of having another person step in when self-harm is brewing, and when dysregulated tends to be pretty attacking to whomever). Responses have also included apologizing and clearly trying to honor that other times. So I'm working towards solid and consistent boundaries on my side while at least making it less effective to go that route for SO. 

[MaxedOut]

And working with my therapist of the fear factor wrapped up in boundary enforcement (suicide, rage, accusations, splitting, etc. And getting comfortable with the idea that a boundary enforcement from me could mean a very abrupt fracture of the marriage (and starting some preparatory actions for that possibility).

[Tryingtounderstand]

Him disclosing the fact he wants to volunteer in a field like that is concerning. Not that he actually wants to but in some way manipulate you. This is very suspect. Please be careful.

[MaxedOut]

Him disclosing the fact he wants to volunteer in a field like that is concerning. Not that he actually wants to but in some way manipulate you. This is very suspect. Please be careful.

Thanks for the concern. It makes sense in non-manipulative ways for other reasons, but I was hoping the idea would fade for various concerns. It went another direction on it's own. She bought stuff to hand out to homeless.

She was assembling them this morning and called me in to express how angry she was about a conflict yesterday and how I almost caused her to have a concussion and that I need to respect her boundaries. The conflict was around me not wanting to not get yelled at while trying to help her ("I just want to be spoken to respectfully"). She mentioned me not respecting her boundaries and almost causing her to be concussed a few times.

I was confused about any boundary being stated or concussion potential (and lol, on respecting boundaries) but realized it was from afterwards. Following me leaving to another room, and random anger/insults getting muttered from her, she holed up in a room. A bit later I went to the door and said I was going out (of the house) to do some stuff. I pretty immediately got a sharp reply (ala F you) and something heavy flung at the door - maybe one of those hefty candles in a glass holder? (Throwing stuff at doors when I am leaving is a favorite form of physical outburst.)

Whatever the object *she threw at the door* must have rebounded back towards her head. So my fault. I... it is a little ironic. And the closed door was apparently the expression of a limit.

I think she has been motoring on anger about that as a way to not acknowledge that, again, she was unable to recalibrate how she speaks to me. I mentioned in the welcome mat that I have a hard time with enforcing this as a boundary for my behavior (i.e. leaving room) versus asking/telling her (a limit) when the context is SO needing help with pain or physical limitations. This was once again the case, so I need to figure out some strategy to shift that (she is super rapid fire and impatient so I think that time/urgency pressure is part of the problem and I just need to pause, take a breath before responding).

She has also increasingly been using the term "provoking" in regards to me (and a sibling). It has a very blame the victim and you made me do it feel that I am worried is laying a foundation for increased backlash/control attempts (but could also just be wording she thinks will reframe stuff as part of trying to stop others from setting boundaries).

[square]

I'm pretty worried about your situation. She sounds fractured, for lack of a better term.

What is she like with other people, such as coworkers at the homeless organization? Is she able to project a "normal" self or does she fall apart very quickly?

[MaxedOut]

She hasn't volunteered anywhere. And she has not worked in a few years. She was making kits to hand out (no agency affiliation involved). Her interactions with others is pretty limited, especially as PD stuff has pruned family and friend relationships and places she felt comfortable being, etc. We do have friends over from time to time and she is trying to reestablish one friendship.

I would say about 1/3 of the time that we have plans, we need to cancel. She has some noticeable "loops" she will go through conversation-wise that likely strike others as odd. But if she/we are with one of the handful of folks she is comfortable with she can usually hang in there for an evening. Those of us close to her often feel like we are walking on eggshells. For me, I couldn't even hazard a guess at the list of things in my brain that shouldn't be mentioned, shouldn't be talked about in certain ways, etc.

I end up handling a lot of stuff like making appointments, ordering meds, dealing with companies, etc. because she will get super activated, very quickly.

It turns out the concussion statement was about hitting her head herself, which she started to do while I was in the room. I quickly left as she started yelling shut up over and over. In her recounting (of why I am awful for yesterday) she says she kept telling me to stop talking, but it was just at that point when she said it. She will often think she has said things or said them multiple times when she hasn't (something others have mentioned to me). So to her, it feels like she is being attacked and someone is repeatedly violating what she has said she needs. Except she hasn't.

Yeah, fractured is an interesting term. She is definitely far more mood unstable than her diagnosis as "bipolar with rapid cycling." She has had inner voices since she was a kid. I don't know too much about that other than some or all are consistent characters. And when the psychosis symptoms are worse "they" are louder and really distracting.

[square]

That all sounds alarming. I am worried for your safety.

What you describe reminds me a bit of my best friend when she unravelled. I loved her very much, and watched her decline steeply over a few years from an extremely bright teen with a sparkle in her eye to basically a cornered animal. I stopped feelng safe with her after some scary incidents.

But your situation is much scarier.

I think the work in front of you is this: a crash course in "I am not obligated to care for her" and "I cannot fix this no matter what."

One of the really tough things about facing that will be the very very loud and very consistent messaging you will getvto the contrary from her.

She is telling you so loudly and so often what you MUST do, and what she has an absolute RIGHT to do, that it's drowning out your own voice plus the voice of society in general.

You know this scene is untenable, and you know society agrees. But the message from her is so strong, so consistent, so absolute, it is really hard. 

[square]

By the way, just a thought. What would happen if, any time she tried to take you hostage with self harm (head banging etc) you called 911 while exiting the immediate area?

[MaxedOut]

She is telling you so loudly and so often what you MUST do, and what she has an absolute RIGHT to do, that it's drowning out your own voice plus the voice of society in general.

You know this scene is untenable, and you know society agrees. But the message from her is so strong, so consistent, so absolute, it is really hard. 

This is a good nutshell. And she also gets wracked with guilt (just not about what actually if hard for me in large part). I think my being more consistent on treatment expectations is having a general effect of her devaluing a bit, and that is resulting in her wanting more time on her own and trying to do more for herself. Which is really good - I have had more time to myself lately and it is sorely needed.

As for the second post, those types of reactions are not what I take as hostage/threats. Other stuff I do but those are more being at a breaking point between internal voices, emotional flooding, needing to not have people around. I think it's all the more reason I need to opt for boundaries to step away not limit setting.

But the suicidal messaging/harm behaviors/emotional threats do need a better answer and some real crisis planning. And calling 911 on the table again. Thank you for the thoughtful reflections and great perspective and suggestions.