The first bit of honesty in years? ever?

[SaintBlackSheep]

I have been having good luck distancing myself from my nMom and enDad. We've gone from them expecting FaceTime chats nearly every day to every 10 days, and the chats are much shorter, where they used to drag out for nearly an hour. Every day. 
Last week during our chat, they were complaining about, well, everything, but mainly the area where they live, and have lived their whole lives. It is a terrible rust belt city and they have zero family members left--we all have vacated years ago to find work and better living situations. They were complaining about their house taxes, which ARE high, and how they can't afford them. They are still attempting to live in the big house I grew up in, and it's about 3x too big for them, they can't get up and down the stairs easily anymore and the only bedrooms are upstairs, the yard is huge and my dad is obsessed with mowing it twice a week, its just too much.
For the 20+ years that I have been gone from that crappy town, I have always lived in nice places that are popular tourist destinations. I have always had a guest room that they have been welcome to stay in, but they have always chosen to visit for no more than 2-3 days at a time, and they stay in hotels, then complain that its too expensive. Old Me used to try so hard to reason with them--"you can stay with us! You can stay longer!" and then when we bought our most recent house, it came with a second lot already equipped with water and septic and an amazing mountain view, and I BEGGED them to get a nice park model and put it on our lot so they could stay longer! What the heck was Old Me thinking? They always acted so interested, and even spent many visits making us drive around with them looking at homes for sale under the pretense that they were seriously planning on relocating. I am their only kid and have their only grandkids, so I thought for sure they were being sincere and that they sincerely wanted to be closer to their only family.
About 5 years ago is when I finally came to my senses and stopped every bit of that nonsense. I didn't have a freak out, I didn't confront them, I just stopped playing along. I stopped begging them to stay longer. I stopped asking them to visit. We refused to go along on any more futile house hunts. I cut way back on the times we visited them and the duration of the visits. I reclaimed our holidays and said they had to come to us since we have kids who deserve Christmas memories in our own house.
Well finally, last week during our FaceTime call when they were complaining about their taxes, the weather, etc, I said "and yet you continue to live there!"
And guess what they said?! nMom said "we like it here! All our FRIEEENDS are here!" and enDad said, in his typical bid to enable, "It feels like home to us." That was truly the first honest thing they've said on the matter.
Never mind the fact that all these "friends" are even more insane than they are, and are truly not good people--I could list reasons including some of them being domestic and sexual abusers. It still hurts so much to have parents who prefer the company of truly terrible people to the company of their own grandchildren, but I've come a long way.
I do wonder what will happen as they continue their inevitable declines. I predict that, when they are very frail or one of them passes and the other is lonely and lost without their partner in dysfunction, my company will suddenly be much more appealing. It will be much much too late for me to GAF. They sure didn't GAF when my kids were born, when we were poor as heck and paying for childcare, or when my oldest was diagnosed with two rare diseases and needed major surgery right after my youngest was born. Family is not supposed to be like this. I've come a long way, yet I wonder how long it will take for the hurt to go away.

[notrightinthehead]

Congratulations!

The pain will fade, I don't know if it will ever go completely.

[moglow]

SBS I'm not sure it ever entirely goes away, but like any grief, it does change with time. I struggle with holidays and special occasions because of what I see with other families - the gatherings and anticipation and laughter. The searches for just the right gift or that special dish that aunt Mary makes if we ask her, etc. Our family was decimated years ago by her incessant tantrums and now there's just no desire to try anymore. So I rethink and spend those times with my brothers and their families or with chosen family around me. "conversations" [diatribes really] involving mommie dearest used to be so danged painful - I'd try to share even the most trivial about my life only to be talked over or mocked outright. There was never any genuine interest, celebration for the good or  commiseration when things went sideways as they do for all of us sometimes. She went above and beyond to drag the focus back to herself, no matter how random the connection.

I realized not long ago, I've lived in this area for almost 20 years now - not once has md visited or shown any interest in where I live. She doesn't as and doesn't comment when anything is mentioned. With that, I also know she's not going to show up unannounced, so there's a definite comfort in my safe place. Old Me is still learning to accept the blessings.

As Notright mentioned, it does fade. Our perspective changes. We stop throwing ourselves out there to be stepped on. The distance gives us a change to see what IS, not what we wanted it to be.