Old Me vs. This Me

[moglow]

@SaintBlackSheep commented in a thread earlier about "Old Me" and former responses to PD parents. I've hit a slight dippity dip with my stuff recently, because of random contact I initiated with md, and SBS post made me stop and consider my own Old Me.

So I had a cool family memory pop up on facebook that took me back to such a happy time. When one of the grandchildren became engaged a few years ago, her [now] spouse engineered a very public proposal, literally stopped a holiday parade in progress to propose to her. Both of their immediate families and a large group of their friends were there to witness. It was picked up by local media and broadcast on tv several times throughout that season. They tagged me in links to the proposal so I'd be able to celebrate with them, and apparently it's been reposted and replayed on local tv a number of times since.

Well I sent the link to md thinking it might brighten her day, and said I didn't know if she'd seen it but it's always worth another view. Within seconds she chopped me off at the knees with abrupt dismissive comments, including: she doesn't have access to fb, nice looking couple [?!], I'm sure it's precious, have a nice day. 

Not one dab of interest. No "can you send it another way, I don't have facebook." No "I wish I had seen it before. Have you talked with them recently? How are they doing?" Not even "how long have they been married now ..." Nothing. [So how'd you come up with "nice looking couple" if you can't see it ...?] But I digress.

Old Me felt immediate sucker punch and hurt that she couldn't find one nice thing to say, once again so disappointed that she's incapable of simple decency or share a special moment with her own family. This Me gritted her teeth and just had to push away from the keyboard for a while. Old Me doesn't understand how even special moments have to peed all over. This Me is damn sick and tired of her trying to suck all the joy out of other peoples' lives, her inability to step out of that abyss and just SEE someone else, if only for a moment. But Old Me thinks I should try one more time.

The woman has four children she's not spent any time with or shown any interest in, in years. Grandchildren she's not seen since they were in high school and they're all 30+ now. Great grands she's never met and has shown no interest in seeing at all. Why on earth does Old Me still hear and react to her??

Old Me is bone deep I guess. This Me is trying to chisel that out!!

[xredshoesx]

sending love to both your mes.  when those realizations hit. they hit hard.

[moglow]

Yeah they do, harder than necessary sometimes and it still somehow doesn't sink in. Is it any wonder really that I feel deficient more often than not. Thank you for seeing both mes.

[nanotech]

This really resonated with me today, as I've very recently had very similar responses from my siblings and my one remaining parent. Yes they love to p all over our happy events. They don't seem to realise that these events should be their happy events too! Just shows them for what they are, and what they will never be.
I'm sending love and hugs - it's their loss when they don't enjoy along with us.
I think jealousy is a big part of it. The fact that this beautiful moment made the news, shows how it was seen in the community as a universal moment of pure tenderness. Society recognised that. That speaks volumes!
'New You' doesn't need any such external validation of course, but remind 'old you' that it's THEIR dysfunction only, it's THEIR meanness that attempts to downgrade and deny your feelings. Because THEY can't( won't?) feel, they resent our ability to savour such tender moments and so they will beat down our unselfish desire to want to join them in on the beautiful feelings.

[NarcKiddo]

Old You has been conditioned to think that she matters and I guess Old You had to spend a lot of time in deference to her because that was likely the best way to survive.

I'm not sure This You will ever be able to chisel out Old You, but I hope that in time Old You will be able to take This You's hand and accept that This You is now in charge and knows what's best.

[notrightinthehead]

You have been banging on that locked door for so long, it's a habit if not a compulsion. Maybe Thisme can give Oldme a hug and gently lead her away from the locked door. Forgive yourself for hoping to find water in a dried up well. It's not your fault.
Sending a hug to both mes too.

[moglow]

Y'all are the best. Old me is so hardheaded isn't she?! Survival habits are the best definition - she knows what got her through, fails to acknowledge how senseless it all is even now. She still wants to share, get a little positive out there, some sign that woman is remotely human. This me looks on and shakes her head, changes direction. 

Weekend ahead. A little self care is needed - maybe lunch at my fave bakery and a couple big cups of tea. Yuck weather so I'm sure healing naps are on the agenda too.

[Sneezy]

Good people, truly good people, are happy when something good happens to someone else.  They don't feel the need to pee on someone else's happiness.  Your post is resonating with me, too, Mo.  People who can't feel joy for others are not worth our time or energy.  And yet we keep trying, because that's how we were brought up.

Sending hugs to old Mo and new Mo - you both rock!

[SaintBlackSheep]

Moglow, I'm glad you're having conversations with your old self and seeing how far you've come. Remember, there was a time where "old you" was used to her toxic behavior. New you has new expectations for how you are treated! It still hurts so bad when my Nmom is predictably mean. I wish it didn't, but even our new selves have feelings.

[moglow]

Ha! Funny you should stop by, Sainted one! I got a text from her early Saturday to let me know her phone number has changed, and asked me for numbers of two brothers as she can't remember them. Oh joy and rapture. I provided numbers, asked what she's up to this lovely day ... And (paraphrased): Thx. The phone situation is worrisome. 

Gosh. Went all out, md, dincha? ThisMe, not surprised or dismayed, just a bit of a head shake chuckle. OldMe would have pushed, overshared trying to drag out an actual response or a little conversation. OldMe would have offered grandchildren phone numbers, a blurb of info hoping to spark interest. Not to be, not with ThisMe.

So there's definite growth, on my part at least. Not to say ThisMe didn't want to snark about her ill timed and incorrect birthday texts to the grands anyway, but I refrained. 😉 Growth.