Anyone Want a Love Relationship but Afraid to Try Again?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm 4 yrs NC with my PDex.  Until pretty recently it seemed like a good idea to not try again with anyone, ever.  I've had more than one marriage, or near marriage, and I wouldn't want to repeat anything like them.  I have changed and grown some in these past 4 alone years  But enough?  Enough to no longer attract and be attracted to the same thing?

The urge to pair up is coming back to me now and getting stronger.  A few men I know (but have no emotional attraction to) have expressed some interest since the New Year.  I am acquainted with a few others who are at least friendly, seem pretty like-minded, and are around my age.  But I shy away from all of them.

Darned if I don't miss the easy familiarity and charm of the PD approach.  I find it inviting.  I find the kiss of death inviting.   Eeks!

I'm trying to be open.  I'm even attending new events to meet people.  Then if someone pays any attention at all,  I'm like the dog that caught the car. 

Anyone been through this?   What to do?

[notrightinthehead]

I am not looking or dating but if I were, I would go about it in a rational way - not being able to trust my feelings in that department.

I would make a list of everything I want from a partner, the must haves, absolute NOs, and what would be negotiable.
I would list my values and find out if they are compatible with their values.
I would  consider dates a browsing session for getting to know the other person and find out if they are suitable. I would discuss my expectations, find out what their expectations are.
I would go about it rationally and without much emotional investment. No flirting or seduction before I know the other person well enough. And if I think they are suitable and will bring something good  to my life, I would take a stressful trip with them, where everything goes awry so that I know quickly how they behave when pushed.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, NRITH.  I love the stressful trip idea.     I agree it would be important not to allow myself to be rushed.  PD's are always in a big hurry to get you "all in."  And don't be too accommodating, either.  Strong boundaries and frank, honest talk are good PD repellants. 

I don't know if anyone enjoys the dating process, but I never did.  I was a lot younger the last time I did it, and now it's just plain painful to think about.  I believe my biggest problem is being extremely gun shy.  I don't think I trust myself to easily say "no" and not let myself get confused and talked into something.

My ex could really talk the talk; I was bowled over by how wonderful he was.  I think even he believed it.  It couldn't have been further from the "real" him.  If I'd have seen it coming, I would have run for the hills!  Instead I became a scalded frog trying for years to adjust to the boil before I finally jumped.

Well, at my age, this will all be slo mo anyway .... if it even ever comes to pass.  I wonder how often it happens, how likely it is, that someone who used to fall for PDs would find a healthy, loving, committed relationship. 

[notrightinthehead]

My stbxNPDh has had two official girlfriends since we separated and is on several dating sites. So he would be a good one to avoid.

But there are many opportunities to meet people and you are under no obligation to go on a second date if the first wasn't to your liking. Feel the fear and do it anyway (if you want to).

And let us know about your experiences if you decide to jump in the cold water. Maybe you have some good ones.

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm 54 and I've never dated.  My uNPD exH and I never dated.  I'm not a fan of the whole "try before you buy" stuff.

But, may I say, congratulations on having had some men show an interest in you.  I never have.  I think I must give off a vibe.  But it's actually more that my life just doesn't run in circles where there are many people of my age, let alone single men of my age.

I suggest you spend time with someone in group settings for a while before going out with them one on one.

Either way, I think you're very brave.

Let us know how you go.

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

Just wanted to add - in the initial years after uNPD exH left, I completely lost the ability to trust anyone:  male, female, relative, friend, colleague, stranger.  It was a terrible place to be and I knew it wasn't healthy or right.  I worked really hard over the ensuing years to get to a place of trust again, and to contentment with my single status, but accompanied by an openness to the possibility of remarriage.  I will say that God did all the inner work in me - I just did a few practical things to get me there.

I now no longer think of a future relationship with terror, but I know that if anything were to happen I would THEN most likely be terrified.

At 54, I'm essentially now set in my ways and content.  But I'm finding that during the times that I'm unwell I'm starting to catastrophise.  What if it's cancer?  Who will look after me?  How will I get to appointments? etc.  I rarely think of a potential relationship with anyone as a means of companionship, probably because I've been alone for most of my life - even during my marriage. As I age, it becomes more about security and help.  Is that selfish?  I don't know.

Anyway,in terms of our fear of attracting another pd.  I feel I'm now hardened enough to recognise them fairly quickly and to choose not to have anything to do with them.  In terms of not being open to a new, healthier person, if they are worth it, they will fight with and for us to overcome our fears and perhaps fleas that we've inherited from our precious pd relationships.

Just my 2 cents' worth.  Let us know how you go.

AOD

[Boat Babe]

I hear you. I sometimes yearn for intimacy, shared conversations and interests,  someone to cuddle at night, sex, a handy guy with a toolbox - the usual. But also I have total autonomy over my life and ZERO drama (priceless) . And knowledge that there are some awful people out there as well as lovely ones. I've tried a bit of online dating (typo just came up as onlie dating !!!!) but just can't whip up any enthusiasm for anyone so that's got to mean something.
What I won't do if I do meet someone is rush things. This I have learned from this forum and other PD type books/vide os etc.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Why am I not surprised, NRITH, that your stbx is on several "onlie" dating sites?  Maybe I have an unfair impression, but I believe PDs and the like are over-represented on them. (Though I'm sure some great people are on too.) I've heard e-harmony can be decent, though expensive.  The idea of meeting and dating people online makes me queasy, so that's out for now.

AOD, I don't know how much bravery it takes to entertain and open to an option, which is really the only change I've made.  Well, I guess I'm being a little more strategic about where I spend my time in order to meet like-minded men (which hasn't worked at all so far for even seeing a man).  But it's been enjoyable.  Oh, and I think it's human to wish for support as we age.  Who wouldn't want that?

Boat Babe, you sound pretty content in your single life.  It's good to be at a place of "Yeah, it would be nice, but if if doesn't happen, I've got a pretty good life already."  I can say I'm quite certain that, for me, having no relationship is better than a bad one - a thought that can definitely cool your heels.

This discussion has made me realize something.  Of the several available men I know or am acquainted with, there are two acquaintances who do attract me.  But I've ruled out anything with either, even if they were interested (which they haven't said).  I guess my "red flag detector" has been going off around them and it has a history of being under-sensitive, so I don't think it's wise to ignore it.  That leaves me needing to meet someone who's not in my life right now.

Really, though, my overall goal is to bring more love and hope and kindness to this world.  So whatever serves that purpose, may it come to pass in my life.  If I could ever heal enough to be a channel for that, I would consider myself to be extremely fortunate, whether I'm living alone or not.

[escapingman]

I am starting to come out of my self imposed isolation (that has lasted for years and started even when still married). I am starting to open up to the idea, but it is far from a must at the moment. But I feel more of a desire to connect to other people instead of hiding, its a liberating feeling. Just walking down the street and get a smile from a stranger is amazing. I feel I have worked a lot on myself and can see what I did in all my previous relationships (both romantic and non romantic) since childhood, trying to fit in and to bend over backwards to be accepted and not abandoned. I am not that person anymore so if I am not trying to please another person but instead please myself I reckon I will be pretty PD safe. BUT, this is all theory and I have not started practising this much as I am just starting to venture out of isolation.

[mary_poppins]

Yes, I hear you. Have this thing happening to me, too. Sometimes I wanna get close to someone and date but then fear strikes its ugly head. I could never ever repeat the past mistake of being with a PD partner.
Hang in there, there will come a time when you won't be afraid of getting hurt anymore. I think it comes with healing from trauma.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, EM & MP.  You said: " what I did in all my previous relationships (both romantic and non romantic) since childhood, trying to fit in and to bend over backwards to be accepted and not abandoned. I am not that person anymore"

This really describes me, too.  I'm pretty good now at making sure my relationships are reciprocal, respectful, honest.   And if not, either saying something or putting a lot of space between us.  As I said before, though, certain people can set off confusion & self doubt, and before I know it, I'm relating in the old way.  So I feel a little unprotected.

I've heard a lot of us on this forum try dating and discover the promising person they first found begins to show PD behaviors down the line and it ends up a no go.  I know there are people who have PD relatives who end up in good relationships.  But I don't remember if anyone who once had a PD spouse has reported the same.  Does anyone else?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Update - At this rate, I'll be 90 YO before I try another first date.  Can't seem to get myself to come off the bench.  I am getting out more in places I like (to meet new like-minded people).  In the past few weeks I've seen two men who were bare acquaintances from years ago, but when they glanced my way I looked away and didn't acknowledge them.  They're both decent guys I believe I have some things in common with and would feel fortunate to get to know better.  I'm not a naturally unfriendly person; I normally smile and greet new people and often strike up conversations.  So what's the deal !?!

Maybe I'm not so afraid of pwPD's as I am promising men I would be interested in.  When I look at the thoughts/feelings that pop up in these situations, I realize it's a very immediate and momentary "Well, they're not going to like you; they'd want someone (younger, prettier, more talented, more interesting, etc., etc.)"  It happens in a split second. 

My self-confidence and self-talk have gotten so much better in recent years, but the old "You're nothing, Free.  Who would want to spend time with you?" scars from my childhood and past relationships pop up in this situation.  I guess I'm afraid to risk being rejected if I'm friendly with a really worthwhile, decent guy.  (I'm not talking about flashy, or monied, or handsome, or exceptional -- just an ordinary good guy who's trustworthy and warm and can be fun to be with.)

I did meet one man in a new setting who wanted to see me again, but he was so pushy about it, I had no inclination to take him up on it, and didn't.  I suppose that's progress.  Boundary pushers used to attract me (though I didn't know about that stuff then).

Baby steps for me, I guess.  If I meet one of those old acquaintances again, I'll try to smile or nod or at least not avert my eyes and turn away.  Oh, man, this stuff can be humbling!

[moglow]

Just a thought - Maybe you're simply not ready to bring someone into your life. Seems to me that as long as that ex is in the forefront and you're still obv trying to recover, your mind may not be in the right place for a new one. Trying to force it doesn't necessarily work, and can push you right into the path of one as bad or worse than the last. We do seek what we know, even subconsciously....

Maybe look instead at making and building friendships first, learning and doing new things for yourself.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, Moglow.  I think the PD abuse I'm mainly working on now is healing from childhood.  The ex was an extension of that.  I don't think of him that often (zero contact for over 4 years now) and when I do it's usually with relief and gratitude that I'm not living like that anymore.

I wonder what I would be doing differently if I were "recovered and ready" enough.  I'd probably feel safer and trust more easily, risk more emotionally, and have strong faith in my ability to say "no" when that's a good idea. I've gotten better in all those things.  To get better still would be wonderful.

I do think it's helpful not to be too invested in any outcome (with regard to anything, really). 

In some ways it's harder once you become wise to PD stuff.  I used to just be open to whoever seemed interesting without understanding why I was drawn to them and without putting much thought into consequences.  This takes a lot more navigating.