New Stepmother --Disrespecting Me?

[atticusfinch]

Hello all,

I'm sorry I've needed so much lately. Thank you in advance for your help!

The short version: My NPD/ASPD ex remarried, and while I initially liked his new wife, she sometimes (seemingly defiantly? it's weird) muscles in and goes against our custody arrangement. While I like her and think that she's an overall net positive in our kids' lives, I also feel disrespected when she does this *and* I worry that she's sending signals that she and my ex will eventually take me back to court to try and win custody.

For example, she kept our kids all day the other day even though my ex wasn't there, in defiance of our right of first refusal agreement. She signed one of our kids up for a sport, one which would have occurred on my parent time, without my permission, then whined and manipulated our kid into trying to emotionally blackmail me into letting it slide. Lately, she's been doing things like taking kids for haircuts (is this okay?) or signing them up to receive their drivers permit.

Let me add that while she does communicate sometimes, all of the major things she does are done like my ex does--not only without asking me, they never even tell me (99% of the time I find out through the kids). I know that a haircut on my ex's parent time is probably okay, but the other stuff is crossing a line with regard to our decree, let alone the basic decency of treating me with respect as their parent.

On the one hand, if I could trust her, I would 1000% appreciate the extra hands helping our kiddos. I have carried the burden on my own while my ex is always finding ways to slither out of his responsibilities and foist everything on me. That said, I *do not trust her* mostly because I know how powerful my ex NPD/ASPDs distortions are, and that he likely sees her as an enabler. He has likely brainwashed her about how terrible I am and how they have to save the children from me, and she is probably also in emotional survival mode, so may be taking his side to protect herself? (also, she has a job in the legal profession, which maybe I'm building up to be more than it is, but I sometimes wonder if they're trying to set up a case against me)

I'm definitely documenting everything, but I'm also wondering how to handle this behavior from stepmom. Everyone in my life seemed to think things would be better when my ex remarried, and some things are definitely better, but in other ways, I feel like I now have two people coming at me instead of just one, which is worse.

[notrightinthehead]

I have never been in your position, my kids were grownups and out of the home when we split up, so take this for what it's worth. Hopefully someone with more experience will come in.

Your perception that they are planning something nasty could be right, or you could be in a state of hyper vigilance and see danger where there is none. You have been fighting this battle for so long.

From what you wrote, your kids are in the upper teens, they deserve a bit of independence and own decision making. Do they want to get a drivers license? Do they want to do that sport? Discuss with them, get all the information, decide together. They probably know that you have the ultimate word, but include them in the decision making.

You wrote you could use the help. So why not go for it? You are documenting. You are still vigilant. Your kids are developing discernment. You could very very slowly check out where this is going.

[Rose1]

And despite all that, trust your gut. Exbpd's new wife attempted to facilitate a reconciliation with oldest d late teens, shortly after announcing their engagement after hiding the relationship so it came totally out of the blue.
Since the reconciliation was with ds upd grandmother and bpd father who had practiced severe verbal parental alienation, as well as disappearing whenever the girls could have done with some help, this went over very badly.

I'm sure it was at exh's aggressive pushing. But it was hi we're engaged, now we're going to fix your relationship.no comprehension at all.

When it went badly new wife turned into new vicious tongue, blaming d and me for every problem he had.

She wrote an email to d and the syntax was so poor it screamed either illiteracy (doing a uni degree) or seriously disordered mind. We suspect she's pd no 2.

The girls have no relationship at all with their father and anything in the grandparents will went to new wife's kids.

Beware the second pd. It's not uncommon

[Rose1]

To add, there were Lots of comments to oldest d about how she knows how hard it must be to live at home with me and how she would be best getting out on her own.

D and I were buying a house together and she was really on top of the world, at the same time NWs d had moved in with bf at age 16. Go figure

And yes it is disrespectful of you. Very. Most counsellors advocate the new step parent to tread very lightly and for the parent in the house to do the bulk of the parenting. In some cases for over a year. And not to exclude the other parent, not practice parental alienation.

[Associate of Daniel]

Oh, I could write so much, but over the years I have already done so.  Check in with my posts, if you like.

My Ds's uNPD smother is pretty much as you have described your children's to be.  But it sounds like your children are older than my ds was when his step mother entered the scene.  He was just under 6.  He's now 17.  I wish I had set boundaries a lot earlier.  I have missed out on several years of being mum because of the things that you describe of your own situation.  uNPD exH was more than happy to hand over the boring and difficult things of parenting to his uNPD wife.  He didn't want to do them - and isn't really able to consistently, due to his mental health.  He also didn't want me doing them.  His uNPD wife LOVES the attention that comes to her from doing all of that stuff. "Look at me.  Aren't I a wonderful step mother?"  Several times I had to inform medicos that I was the biological mother and not her.

I could write a book. But, honestly, my blood boils too much and the pain is too great to spend time dwelling on it.

I ended up having to just let things go.  uNPD exH and his uNPD wife have always looked after ds regarding his health and education, more to prove that they are wonderful parents than anything else.  I needed to step back in order to protect the good relationship I have with ds.  It has paid off.  He and I are quite close and we have a beautiful relationship.

It's SOOO hard.  I feel for you so much. 

We don't have right of refusal in my country.  At least, I don't think we have.  Ds being left in her care when uNPD exH wasn't there was really difficult for me to accept.  It sounds like you have legal recourse for this but consider - (again, depending on the ages of the children), what do the children want?  Would it be too disruptive for them for the right of first refusal to be enacted?

Re the sport the stepmother signed them up for:  At the very least, make sure your name is on the records of the team and that you receive all communications regarding the games etc.  My Ds's uNPD smother signed herself on as coach and team manager.  I'm having heart palpitations remembering all the drama she caused and all the hoops I had to jump through to keep myself informed as a result of her leaving me out of communications that she (rightly) sent to all other parents.  Secondly, go to the games and training sessions if you can.

Haircuts:  Ds's uNPD smother started trimming his hair herself.  I saw red and demanded she didn't.  Instead they started taking him to a barber on their time.  I'll never forget the first time he turned up after going to the barber:  He looked like a prisoner in a concentration camp.  He was very skinny, no. 1 clip with Harry Potter glasses.  However, at least they were taking him and paying for the appointments.  Now my ds takes himself when he feels like it...

Regarding the decree/court orders.  Technically my ds is still under bondage to them until he's 18.  However, a lot of what is stated in them was written for a 12 year old and no longer applies. And where he goes/stays is now more about his needs and responsibilities (school/work commitments, social life). The orders no longer really cover anything.  And let's face it, they were never really worth the paper they were written on, let along the $1000s they took to have them prepared and formalised.

Anyway, keep asking questions and I and others will try to help.

AOD

[Penny Lane]

I am the stepmother in my situation and we've seen several partners come and go at their PD mom's house. I'm sorry you're dealing with this! It's very stressful on top of an already stressful situation.

My guess is that your ex has lied to her in many ways. She now sincerely believes that YOU do all the things that HE actually does. If that were true, her behavior makes a lot more sense: He's a struggling dad whose ex barely is involved, emotionally or otherwise. So of course the new stepmom needs to help out her husband!    

So, no, she is not an ally, and she's not going to make your life better. What little "help" she actually is (say, haircuts) are not worth the intrusion on whatever peace you've built so far. Now your ex can be neglectful WHILE AT THE SAME TIME having more capacity to disrupt your time with the kids. We've seen this dynamic play out over and over with BM. Violating right of first refusal, being more involved and disruptive, etc. In our case it is temporary because none of the relationships last more than a year or two. I'll cross my fingers for you in that regard.

In the meantime, what can you do? 

It might be easier for you to consider everything she does to be something he does. By that I mean, a stepparent only acts with the parent's authority. I only do things that DH asks me to; I'm not out there going rogue scheduling appointments that he doesn't ask me to do. Similarly, she wouldn't be doing this if he didn't ask her to or at least allow it.

This will help you separate the things that are a problem from the things that aren't. Haircuts? Probably OK although you don't have to like them. Scheduling things not on your time? Not OK, and that's a time to have boundaries. 

(By the way, as our kids get older, BM does similar stuff -- she makes plans for DH's time and then gets the kids super excited about going, so it's "their idea." We've told them that if they make plans during DH's time without consulting him, there's no guarantee they can go. This has limited that sort of thing quite a bit. DH has also made a rule that BM has to ask him herself, not through the kids -- which she hates, and that's really cut down as well.)

And then you use whatever strategies you would use anyway if your ex was doing those things, whether it's to let it go or to document it or address it with him or whatever. 

One final strategy with flying monkeys. We usually have a pretty good idea of what lies BM is telling various people about DH. You probably do too, your gut will tell you. DH always looks for ways to counteract that. In his case it's that he's uninvolved, a deadbeat, and/or abusive and scary. He finds ways to drop into conversation the things that he does that she doesn't do, and is unfailingly (to the degree possible) not scary and threatening. There's never been a point where someone is like, ohhhhh wait you're the good guy. But I do think it gives people pause and it makes her stories unravel that much faster. Basically, when someone (like your ex or DH's ex) is trying to triangulate you with another person, the more you can compare notes with that person the better it is for you both 

On right of first refusal, DH has gone to the person watching the kids during what should have been his ROFR time and asked them to stop. In this case it was BM's parents. This didn't accomplish anything for us, but it is an option. She probably doesn't even know ROFR is the rule. But then again it's possible that she does, like our BM's parents, and she thinks she knows better than the court.

Finally, here is a funny story. One of her recent boyfriends, toward (what we didn't realize at the time was) the end of the relationship, had a very strange encounter with DH. I forget the specifics but he was essentially bragging to DH that he had taken the kids to something first? And like bristling that DH was talking about talking about it with them? And we were like who's this doofus, #5 out of however many boyfriends, who's been around less than a year? Bragging to DH about doing something with the kids? DH does everything, all the doctors appointments and extracurriculars and parent teachers conferences and homework and so on. BM occasionally plays fun time mom, and this guy came along one time and he's trying to lord it over DH?????

It later occurred to me that the boyfriend had no idea of all that, he thought DH was totally absent and overall terrible. In retrospect BM was almost certainly on his case about not being involved enough in the kids' lives (she likes to start calling her boyfriends the kids' stepdads, like immediately). So DH hit a nerve but it wasn't anything he did wrong, it was all about the story that BM was telling and the ways she was badly treating the boyfriend.

I'm not saying the stepmother is blameless; she is definitely overstepping! I'm saying that you have the same problem you had before, which is that you are having to navigate coparenting with an ex who has a PD, an impossible situation to begin with. She has given him more resources, for now, to act in his PD ways through her. She might help him take you to court - but he might have done that anyway. Hopefully you can move past it and keep on being your badass mom self no matter what the situation is at his house.

[atticusfinch]

Ah, this helps so much. Before I go on and address your comments, I thought I'd also say that I recently found some comfort in the idea that if my ex takes me back to court over custody, a lot of things will come to light that he won't like. He will have to pay back $10k or so in back child support at the least, so part of me is like--bring it on.

Thanks so much for the reminder that she is essentially just acting as an extension of him. I think that maybe in another life I could have been friends with her, but in this one, you're right--I just need to think of everything she's doing as something that is actually coming from him. I do sometimes wonder when their relationship will fray and eventually implode. The cracks are already showing at times, but if she's anything like me, it will take a few more years before she figures it out.

notrightinthehead, you are so wise! Thank you for this.

AOD, my blood boils for you, reading this (so sorry you were left off communications like that!). You sound as patient as a saint. I'm glad you have a good relationship now and that your hard work has paid off!

Penny Lane, I can totally see this! Ah the boyfriend acting like he's a superior "father" even though all he knows is what BM is telling him. My kids' stepmom sent some food home with one of my kiddos recently because my ex has convinced her that I'm starving them, even though the child she sent it home for is a little overweight (I believe that his father's constant criticism of my parenting has made our son believe that I"m not feeding him enough, and consequently he overeats because he believes it psychologically on some level. I don't totally know what to do about it other than just keep providing plenty of healthy food). I wanted to say-- have you *seen* this kid that I'm supposedly starving? When I told my mom in confidence, she laughed right out loud. There is no way my kid is going without food. But it definitely shows the power of my ex's manipulations, that he can convince a grown adult to ignore such an obvious lie.

The way she acted like she was saving my poor pitiful son from his neglectful mother really grated on me, but at the same time, I decided it wasn't wasting any mental/emotional effort on it, since I was definitely brainwashed by him at various points as well.