Attempted to ruin birthday ... yet again

[Phantom Muse]

***TRIGGER WARNING*** Attempted Suicide ****

A little background first... my NBpdBF attempted suicide 9 years ago—on my birthday.  We lived over 700 miles apart at the time.  He clearly had planned in advance to do this specifically on my birthday (which I used to love to celebrate).  I was able to send help, flew out that day to be with him, and facilitated the care he needed for the month following this attempt.  He was in a coma for 2 days and required psychiatric hospitalization, as well. It was all such a nightmare. 

Six weeks after his attempt, he showed up at my door.  He decided to move near me—without any conversation about it.  He had been fired from his job prior to his attempt—but a sister was willing to allow him to live with her for a time where he already was so he could continue treatment and be near his children and this sibling.   

Since his move here, I have never been the same.  My NBpdBF lived in my home for a short time—but I had to ask him to leave.  It was too much in every way.  In addition, he has told me the attempt was my fault at least a dozen times in the years since.  Each time, it has been such a setback for me—even though I can rationalize why he says what he says. We've never been able to talk about it—because it just turns into his typical verbal ranting and abuse.  He screamed this past week something like, "why don't we live together?!  What am I doing anyway?!  Why did I move here in the first place?!"  Well, I can't actually have THAT conversation, because I know exactly what will happen if I truthfully answer his questions. 

So, I do not spend my birthdays with him.

In some ways, it's exhausting planning how to avoid him on that day.  It's taken some of the joy away for me.  If I don't see him on my actual birthday, he will make sure he does something to rattle me during the week preceding my actual birthday.  Last week, it was a daily reminder to me of the travels he's planned for the summer (without ever inviting me to join), his conversations at work (which he tells me I won't really understand), and how I fail him in other ways (I am a verbal bully, I can't stop talking and never listen, etc.).   

I am so exhausted.  I am anxious most days, and his presence in my world, I feel, will forever negatively color the rest of my life—even if I can find a way to walk away. My daughter planned such a lovely weekend for me, and I felt so embraced.  She's such a blessing—so I do have this "other" life that is nurturing. He gets in the way of it, though, and tries to derail it.

This sort of thing never changes with a PD, does it?  Either I have to leave him behind, find a way to manage the ugly when he does spew (which has changed me in a way that saddens me so much), or stay with him and deal with him as he is? I am just so very tired of it all.
 

[moglow]

That just sounds painful. Maybe start with answering his questions for yourself first, and look at what -if any- good is served with this relationship, for both of you. Literally do the pro/con list and look at it from all angles of that helps you.

He is who he is, yes, and if he's unwilling to turn that light on himself and make necessary changes you have decisions to make for your own well being.

[DCF1952]

I know exactly what you mean about the birthday. He ruins mine every single year.

[sunshine702]

Personality Disorders LOVE LOVE LOvE to ruin big special events.  It's about the spotlight being on someone else and they can't have that.... All that delicious attention going elsewhere.

Yeah you seem really unhappy around this I am sorry!!

What about celebrating an Un birthday when you can do it how you like it.

In Vegas we would celebrate UnChristmas. We all had to work holidays so we would just pretend the day didn't happen and then do it up big on the Tuesday after when we could all get together.   Honestly it was a fun tradition