Looking for some insight, please?

[Lady Bug]

I'm looking for honest opinions because I feel like there is something wrong with me. None of this is typical of me nor who I am as a person. None of what you read below have I experienced before nor since in my relationships. I had a very good childhood and I had no "wounds" that I know off and don't tend to attract to difficult people. He was a neighbour and seemed like a very nice man. Shy, quiet always talking about his friends yet you never saw any of them around.

 I slowly became attracted to him even though he wasn't my type but now I find myself still attracted but don't know why. There was very little personality there, he was very vague and secretive about himself, his life and his past. I felt like I never really knew this person. It's like an all consuming love but I also feel no love at all. I found it very hard to establish our relationship status because at times I felt he reciprocated and other times it was in my head. Usually the question: "Do you fancy him?" was really easy for me to answer but with him it was "Yes! No! I don't know. Yes?"

I felt like I was in a "love" induced hypnotic trance for the first 6 months. It felt euphoric and I kept having to remind myself we were just friends. In fairness he never led me on and there were only glimmers of moments I thought he might feel the same but nothing progressed for two years. But after the 6 months it was like my brain kept trying to force its way out. I'd think: "He's lying to you." "He clearly using you." "He shows no care or interest in you." "He lacks empathy for everyone but himself." "His friends are service providers and so are you." Then I forget it. It was a real whirlwind friendship that was intense and went from 0 to 60 literally overnight. It felt euphoric. Daily contact, gifts, compliments and so on. It felt too much for a friendship so I began to think there was more to it but nothing went past that point.
He was on my mind constantly, the rumination, the conversations in my head went on all day even in the company of others it was so hard to switch it off that sometimes I just wanted to scream or cry to let that emotion out because it felt suffocating. It was like intrusive thoughts.
I found myself watching his social media and even his friend's who I didn't know (so I blocked them all.) That's not me at all and as a friend it was none of my business what he did.
Insane jealousy over him spending time with other friends even when I saw, later on, he was just using them. Did I want the hassle of doing things for him again? No. So why was I angry and jealous instead of just relieved it wasn't me this time?

The best I can describe it is that something felt "off" but I just couldn't put my finger on it. He'd done nothing to raise this in me and I felt I couldn't withdraw from someone because of an unjustified feeling.
So I found myself becoming hypervigilant and looking for discrepancies in his stories.

Something had to explain this weird feeling.

 I became like a recorder and sure enough I began to notice stories weren't adding up. Example: He originally told me he broke up with his "evil" ex girlfriend after finding texts proving she was cheating. Months later when he told me the story again he left out the cheating and she was using him for money (even though she earned way more than him). I asked if he thought she was cheating and his response was "I don't know, but probably, she was the type." No mention of the texts. It was like I was always looking for something to back up my feelings and when I did see something it felt like it wasn't enough condemning evidence. I'd think: "people lie. They weren't earth-shattering lies. So he said he told his family all about me and when I met them they had no idea who I was...so what. So what if he lies about what he's doing. Not my business." What got me was he'd give false information that I'd never asked for. I never asked him where he'd been all day. So why offer up information to make it a lie? It began to feel like a guessing game. Some stuff was true .Some wasn't; but none of it was really bad stuff. Maybe he just lacked self-esteem?

I became almost paranoid and these feelings became more persistent.

I started suffering separation anxiety when he went away and would frequently check for him to be back as he would always be vague and I didn't like to ask. Again I've never experienced this in anyway before nor since. The longer he was gone the more agonising it became. I didn't want this person in my life anymore. I could see since he'd come along my behaviour was out of character. Something was changing me. Changing my mind and making me act differently.

When I would have conversations with him about his behaviour I only ever got:
 "I'm sorry you feel that's how things are."
 Nothing was ever resolved. I developed trust issues. Everything was the fault of everyone else. No accountability. His actions didn't match his words. Sometimes he would even just sit and stare at the floor with this "zoned out" look when I called him out on lies or manipulation, especially when he'd try to get you to do things for him under false pretences. Nothing changed. He had a negative mind set with only small bouts of positivity, sometimes even a bit euphoric. Everyone seemed to think he was so amazing. None of them seemed to have the same problems with him, only me. So it must be me.

Away from him in my head I had this strong romantic attachment and felt "in love" but in his company I started to feel unattracted to him physically and to his personality. It was like I fancied him when away, but didn't in his company and he began to get on my nerves but when separated I craved his attention. I began to feel like I didn't know my own mind and that I was the problem not him. For no reason I started feeling scared or uncomfortable in his presence. He'd sit too close to me and while once it had made my heart flutter with excitement now it felt suffocating. It was like I had no personal space sometimes. His words never aligned with his actions and I soon found myself desperate to cut him out of my life to the point I was waiting for something to happen so I could use it as an excuse to cut contact. And when I did go NC there was little improvement in me. But I found it surprisingly easy to not go back. He actually broke NC first. The reason I allowed it is because I'm questioning if he's not the problem and I am.
It's a bit like a drug. After seeing him I feel relaxed...better but as time passes it's like the stress, anxiety and frustration builds back up and I start feeling hatred towards him for no reason. NC made me feel worse not better. I can see what a nightmare he would be to be in a relationship with yet I crave that.  With him it would all be about his needs.

Can anyone please shed some light on what might be going on with me? How do I get my peace back? I hope this all made sense, it's the best I can do right now as my head feels muddled and forgetful. Please ask any questions.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like this relationship is mostly in your head. You long for him when he is away, but dislike him when he is present. He is a prince when you dream about him and in reality he is a toad.
The feelings you describe are all yours. People don't make us feel a certain way. They need our co-operation to do so. He triggers a certain state in you, giving you the opportunity to get to know yourself better. Maybe a door to find out what you really want has been opened.
What is missing in your life that you would prefer fantasy over reality? How can you return to reality?

[Jsinjin]

There is a lot to the feeling of dopamine that people get when an experience is thrilling.  It's why it's easier to watch short YouTube style videos over reading an enriching novel.

In human relationships we actually need the bonding trust that oxytocin produces but that can only be formed through a trusted shared bond.

Dopamine hits are euphoric while you have them and they serve a purpose.  The adrenaline that hits you with a rush of dopamine can give you the fight or flight mode when something is wrong, or or can give that spark of attraction that makes a person interesting.   After that wears off there is a need for actual trusted attachment or things will not continue with a bond between two people.

Do you feel like you are attracted to this person after 6 hours in a car ride on the third loop of a playlist with nothing to see outside?

[sunshine702]

This to me sounds like and Avoidant / Anxious relationship.  Which is very common. It's sort of the gravitational pull that allows both to partner but not fully.  Since you mentioned YouTube videos here is a quick Psych2go one on the topic.


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fCAfzIfg5Cs&pp=ygUZUHN5Y2gyZ28gYW54aW91cyBhdm9pZGFudA%3D%3D


I have firsthand knowledge of this.  The solution for the Anxious is to drop the rope in the rug of war.  Focus on YOU not him.  What do YOU want to do today?

[moglow]

No one has to be at fault nor is it wrong to break off a situation that's simply serving no one. However addicted to he highs and lows you may be, that's your stuff and you're the only one who has to live with it.

Going out on a limb here, but what would happen if there's no "breakup" or discussion, if you simply let it all fall down ... And left it behind? Call it ghosting or whatever you want, but what's wrong with deciding no one is served in this madness and it's past time to go? So he blames you, people question it or make comments ... And??? You take your life back! 

Consider finding other things to do, other places to be, other people to spend that time with. 

[square]

I'm not sure how the situation happened. But I did see that you stayed away for a while and felt it did not improve.

I am thinking you need to replace the dopamine hits you got being involved with him, with something else. New friend, hobby, exercise, project. I think if you stick with something else, the issue will fade. You might get some clarity then as well.

[Lady Bug]

First I would like to thank each of you for taking the time to read that essay and offer support.

I have no idea what happened myself.
He was just a neighbour I spoke to occasionally and he seemed very kind, quiet, reserved and didn't mix much with anyone on our street. The only person on our street he did mix with passed away suddenly and the next day he was on my door looking for support. So I let him in and listened. The next day he gave me a box of chocolates for listening to him.
 After that, he kept coming to visit me each day. I thought it was odd to be so vulnerable with someone you hardly knew, especially when he claimed to have all these friends. Other neighbours mentioned to me they that he'd told them he thought his neighbour friend's death was suicide and that he'd be next. This concerned me and so I found time for him. He seemed so alone. He gradually began asking me for small favours and I'd get hand picked flowers, chocolates, bags of donuts, DVD's - and they seemed rather large "thank you" gifts for small favours that a thank you would have sufficed. Some mornings my curtains would only be open 5 minutes and he was on my door. I found myself very quickly in a close friendship that I hadn't had a say in. It was like he decided we were now friends.

Then it all began to get strange. It was all about him and what I could do for him and I began to feel a bit resentful that when things went on he was disinterested and unsympathetic. It went downhill from there. I applied boundaries for my time and he seemed to abide by them but later began to complain about my lack of availability to him. He'd make arrangements and then not turn up (as one of my boundaries was to not just keep showing up on my door but ask at least the night before if I was home the next day as he called me unreliable for not being home when he wanted me). It became more of a struggle with him.


I've made new friends since and that's going great. I got myself a new pet and he's adorable and a real hand full. I do yoga and meditation. But maybe I need to make myself really busy with stuff for a while to break the cycle. Maybe a holiday would help? It just seems odd to me that this has never happened to me before.

Thanks again everyone for your time

[Lady Bug]

The video was very helpful

I was a little confused by the first one as (I'm seeing myself as the anxious one) I want closeness but I also feel suffocated to which fell into the avoidant. Sometimes I found myself avoiding him.
He was always the one to reach out and he was the one to offer an olive branch not me I could have sustained zero contact. I had a desire to work through things when we had problems (anxious) but I also found him clingy, high maintenance and needy. They all ticked boxes of how I feel. It was like we'd alternative. Sometimes I'd be thinking "boundaries. Distance. emotionally disengage as something feels "off" then I'd switch and so would he.

So in this kind of attachment can the roles keep reversing?

Interestingly, none of my friends, family or romantic partners fit this cycle with me. But he seems to have that same cycle with his other close family. He's either very involved in their lives or not. However, I allready feel a bit better. Maybe now I can find out and work on why I feel this way. I can't fix him if he needs it. But I can fix me. Like Moglow said my feelings and issues are on me and it's up to me to deal with mine.

[square]

It seems to me that it went something like this:

1) Quick, false intimacy (him appearing vulnerable to you) led to you feeling infatuated.

2) When it became clearer that things weren't what you expected, the infatuation feelings still stuck around. Maybe you got enough crumbs to stay on the hook.

To get out of infatuation, you're just going to have to stay away and stay distracted. It will fade, but it will suck for a while. I'm glad you have insight, so now it's just a matter of discipline. It won't go away overnight, but it will resolve.

[Lady Bug]

@Square - Yeah, pretty much to be honest.

[Boat Babe]

Sounds like this relationship is mostly in your head. You long for him when he is away, but dislike him when he is present. He is a prince when you dream about him and in reality he is a toad.
The feelings you describe are all yours. People don't make us feel a certain way. They need our co-operation to do so. He triggers a certain state in you, giving you the opportunity to get to know yourself better. Maybe a door to find out what you really want has been opened.
What is missing in your life that you would prefer fantasy over reality? How can you return to reality?

This is brilliant advice

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Ladybug.  I noticed you did a series of things which I used to always do -- dismiss something unacceptable because it wasn't "that bad."  And maybe it's only troubling me because I'm not right, so I shouldn't consider it.

A friend gave me a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.  He talks about how little things that are not at a conscious level register with us and we feel uncomfortable but don't know why so we ignore it.  When really, it is our inner wisdom telling us "This isn't so good" or "This isn't so safe."  But we often don't listen to it, feeling we're not being polite or not giving the person enough of a chance.   I really appreciated his insight.

Also, for many of us intensity in a relationship can feel like intimacy or love, but they're not the same thing.  I've experienced that.  It's one of the reason we're encouraged to enter relationships slowly and keep good boundaries.

Good luck to you!

[square]

The Gift of Fear is a great book, regardless of anyone's family or romantic situation. I highly recommend it.

[Lady Bug]

Ok thanks guys I'll see if I can find it.

[sunshine702]

I read Gift of Fear many years ago.  It's about trusting that little voice in your head.  Your intuition has picked up on something some small detail that your conscious mind has not processed yet.  You get a weird feeling about getting in an elevator with that painter guy — but you think don't be rude your are being a snob not wanting to be around working class people.....  but what your subconscious did was spot his shoes had no paint.  And this is costume and he is off and possibly DANGEROUS.

No matter how awkward it is take the next elevator.  Do not force things be "rude" it is safer be rude and Alive.

Our brains do this with psychological danger too . 

[_firewalker_]

I read Gift of Fear many years ago.  It's about trusting that little voice in your head.  Your intuition has picked up on something some small detail that your conscious mind has not processed yet.  You get a weird feeling about getting in an elevator with that painter guy — but you think don't be rude your are being a snob not wanting to be around working class people.....  but what your subconscious did was spot his shoes had no paint.  And this is costume and he is off and possibly DANGEROUS.

No matter how awkward it is take the next elevator.  Do not force things be "rude" it is safer be rude and Alive.

Our brains do this with psychological danger too .

WOW, that is powerfully insightful.

I think one casualty of living with PD people is that we stop trusting our instincts. We spend years being told everything we say and think is wrong, so surely our instincts must be wrong too.

Thank you for sharing this powerful truth.