The role of a person who died

[sunshine702]

I have been thinking about grief and the ROLE a person played in the family structure.  Yes losing that person who changed the mousetraps / drove the big RV / put down the pavers sucks.  Learning to to that for yourself or getting the son to do it is an adjustment.  But to ONLY or MOSTLY grieve for THAT seems really limited and not something I want for my relationships.  A wife is not just a hooker/chef/housecleaner. You have lost a beloved PERSON!!  When I lost my dog it was not just about me not being able to pet him.  Does that make sense?!!

I guess that is what Ramani talks about when she explains Narcs view you as a coffeemaker. They love the coffee but do not think about it at all except for at coffee time.  The coffeemaker has no feelings back. You don't think about what the coffee maker needs or wants.

Thoughts?

Now I may not be seeing some private grief but that takeaway has been rattling around in my head the last few weeks

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think you are right. In my own narc family and in-laws, I've seen a bit of a flip of that as well. My mother grieved her father because he helped to manage her mother's narc-ness. But my MIL grieved that her mother took so long to die... her mother hadn't given her much supply for years. In my own relationships with them, I think I've "gotten away" with being NC in large part because who needs a broken coffeemaker anyway?

The person is not seen by the true narcissist, and so they cannot grieve them. It's appalling when it shows up so clearly like this, but it was only ever about them. They may have enough awareness to try to keep up appearances, but that just doesn't last. They don't miss people for themselves because they never cared about them. I'm sure I will never be missed by any in my family. Could they use a scapegoat? Sure, but doubtless I've been replaced, just like the coffeemaker.

[bloomie]

Sunshine702 - I am pretty sure that for some there is no such thing as a beloved other. Where you or I would experience nostaglia, grief, a significant sense of absence of a unique, valued, human being we have lost, it doesn't appear to be a part of certain people's nature. Out of sight, out of mind.

The coffee maker analogy is spot on and Cordelia: "in large part because who needs a broken coffeemaker anyway?" 

I have wondered if the grieving is happening privately, as you have mentioned. And I also wonder, in a couple of cases, if it is part of their religious beliefs that it is 'wrong' to wish someone here that was ill or suffering?

I also wonder if there is just a complete disconnection between heart and head with some?

It is disconcerting to observe, that is for sure!
 

[sunshine702]

I came across other people wondering this with Narcs and some people have suggested they grieve for what that person DID FOR THEM not the person.  Like in my family each kid exists as an extension of HER to SERVE her in her mind.  I think grief (while we all do it differently) is a HUGE TELL about how they think and see the world!

It's about THEM not about the dead person.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BSEXL4UDXns&pp=ygUTTmFyY2lzc3RpYyBncmlldmluZw%3D%3D