My PD Husband is NOT a good man - 'He's so perfect!'

[Just Kathy]

Two months into our marriage, we found ourselves at a pet store.

Due to health issues, I move at a slower pace. I vividly recall walking alongside my husband when suddenly, a man walking in the opposite direction bumped into me, almost causing me to fall. Despite ample space to avoid me, the man, seemingly indifferent or perhaps even deliberately, collided with me.

My husband continued walking as if nothing had happened. After I got up and looked at H, he stopped and turned around with an impatient expression. At that moment, I felt like ending the marriage, yet I realized it was too late.

A month into our marriage, my husband, his daughter, and I were in the downtown area. As we neared a bar, a man exited it. My husband quickly motioned for his daughter to cross the street with him, leaving me behind as I approached the man. The man merely glanced at me and continued on his way. When I finally crossed the street and asked my husband and his daughter why they crossed, he explained, "That man looked dangerous – I needed to protect my daughter."

So, Daddy-cakes was worried about his daughter - to hell with his wife!

He had sadistic glee when he saw the hurt in my eyes. Again, I wanted to end my marriage.

Why didn't I confront my husband about these incidents? Because of instances like what happened after a Bible study at church two weeks after we were married. I was seated beside the attractive church secretary, with my husband on the other side. As we were leaving, he mentioned finding her "nice-looking."

The following week, he pushed past me, making it obvious that he wanted to sit next to her, embarrassing me in front of everyone. When I later addressed his behavior, his defensive reaction was almost equivalent to my late father's satanic narcissistic rage, convinced he had done absolutely nothing wrong. Ever since that incident, I hesitate to tell him when he hurts me.
 
When we dated, he told me his ex-wife would bitterly tell him, "You're so perfect!" I know what that poor woman had to deal with; I've been dealing with it for almost ten years. 

[_firewalker_]

Kathy,

I am so sorry. No one deserves to be treated that way. You have every right to be angry.

PDs will never accept any accountability so even if you confront him, it won't change anything. You already know that.

What is your plan? Are you planning to stay or trying to plan an exit? This community will support you either way.

[sunshine702]

One time I was working the theater at a show in Las Vegas.  Jennifer Gardner and Ben Affleck left before the crowd.  He was walking miles in front of her . And no one was around to bother them  It was really telling.  She is very pretty and tall btw with lovely skin!  It was such obvious disrespect.  So it happens to stars too.  But it stinks!  I am spiteful.  I would start disrespecting him too. Stop doing whatever he has grown accustomed to.  Let his laundry rot.  Refuse to fold it from the dryer.  Only fold your clothes and leave his.  Take extra long baths away from him.  Disrespect me - you can eat mustard for dinner

[Just Kathy]

Firewalker,

It isn't straightforward...as to leave or not to leave...I'm looking out for my best interests and survival.

I appreciate your support!

I will learn everything I can from Out of the FOG website and apply it to my family situation.

If possible, I want to stay in my marriage based on my faith. But I'm working on getting my health back.

As I research PDs, I'm recounting how my husband and his family have treated me and come here for 'reality checks.'

[Just Kathy]

sunshine702,


I wouldn't doubt what you witnessed with Jennifer Gardner and Ben Affleck.  I have had boyfriends in the past who walked ahead of me – and as a result, they became ex-boyfriends.

In my situation, I will do what I must to survive!  Disrespect would not serve me well.  I've been reading on this website about name-calling and the reasons why we should respect other people. 

When dealing with people who have personality disorders (PDs), they often act as if they can do no wrong. They see themselves as perfect, believing that others, not them, must cause any problems. This mindset makes everyone else seem like "the problem."

They argue like lawyers!  A big mistake you can make is getting caught up in a back-and-forth blame game with them. This falls into their way of seeing things and worsens the situation.

Following one of his intense outbursts of emotional dysregulation, I came to understand several key strategies to improve my own well-being: the importance of cultivating 'indifference.' In practicing indifference, I consciously choose not to respond emotionally—I neither harbor hatred nor allow anger to surface toward him.
Instead, I entrust the resolution of his actions and the circumstances to a higher power, hoping that divine insight will address him and the situation.

My decision to step back and disengage from both him and the dynamics at play is a deliberate effort to conserve my emotional energy. Remaining tranquil is not a sign of apathy but a necessary stance for my healing process.

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm sorry you've lived like that for so long. I wouldn't be able to let things like that go. He needs to humble himself and be considerate of you. He doesn't sound self aware enough to do that. If he would agree to counseling, maybe a therapist could help him see what he's doing to you. Even pastoral counseling might help. If he won't agree to go, that would be the end for me.

Like you, many of us on this forum have religious beliefs about marriage, but when you're treated like garbage by someone who refuses to change, I think God would understand a divorce. There is a section here for religious questions and discussions.

[DCF1952]

Oh goodness... when I read the lines about walking miles ahead... that struck me. Every time we are getting out of the car..... dropping doors on me. After a few years of him dropping doors on me, I mentioned it and he flew into a rage.

[sunshine702]

We all put so much on that final act you guys - and I did it but not without a million little practices. 

1. We need to recognize that is is obvious and palpable disrespect.  And that YOU DESERVE a partner that cares about YOU to walk slower and care for your well being.

But yes - brining it up will not help one bit.  You bring something up if people don't know they are doing something.  He knows and devalues you. 

Ok let's strategize on what you CAN do/ control? What sort of self care can you do- example when I was being abused at a job during Covid I would bring candy each and every day to lift my mood and brain