Married and struggling

[Needsupportthankyou]

I am in a marriage that I don't know is salvageable. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm being gaslit and can't tell what is normal anymore, and if what I'm experiencing is ok or not? I'm hoping for some outside perspective.

I thought I married the love of my life, but over the past 10 years or so, my husband has become increasingly rigid and controlling. 

I strongly believe my husband has OCPD vs some elements of narcissistic personality disorder. He has always been somewhat rigid in thought and very obsessive with making lists and optimizing "efficiency" in literally every aspect of his life, from how to empty the grocery cart, to how to pay. He used to only employ these desires on himself, but now he now imposes those expectations on me and gets visible anxious and upset if I don't change how I'm doing something. This has also expanded into what I feel like is an excessive desire to control me.

Here are some examples:

Mad that I don't want to set a timer when I'm making dinner (I never do and never burn anything), insisting that i HAVE to set one even though I wouldn't even know what time to put.

Getting mad at me for not helping enough with his list of things to do, but when I ask him to share the list so I can help, he won't share it with me. If he does ask me to do something off the list, he will look over my shoulder to make sure I do it right and won't actually let me do it because I'm "doing it wrong".

Mad that I pull out my credit card to pay for groceries. Insists that NFC is better and pushes my card away (that is already out!) to use his phone. My card was already out, this makes no sense.

Gets offended if I don't reply to non-urgent texts right away. I work full time, so this isn't a reasonable expectation.

Reads all my texts and emails over my shoulder even when I'm not showering him. Tells me how to respond even if I disagree. Gets mad that I don't want to say what he wants to say. Told me I was starting a fight when I refused to lie to a friend via text.

Gets mad that I am looking at my phone in the car when we are on long drives and there is nothing else to do and we are otherwise not having a conversation.

He couldn't find a blanket because I was washing them (you're welcome). I suggested he gets his robe. He is annoyed "I didn't think of him and tell him sooner to get a robe" and that he didn't know he had one. It's hung up in his closet and he has worn it already since we have been here. 😒 So, again, it's my fault (?!) he is cold.... Because I'm washing the blankets and he couldn't think of putting on a robe or sweatshirt himself before I thought of it?

when I worked all morning and hadn't eaten anything all day. I get home and make myself 2 eggs. No one else was home. He got mad at me, saying that I "forget that I have a family and forget about him" because I didn't communicate to him that I got home and wanted to eat, and he couldn't Believe I didn't make them eggs also. Remember no one else was home when I made eggs.

These all seem trivial but over time, they are wearing me down and I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mind. I shouldn't have to call my husband to tell him I'm making myself eggs just in case he comes home in the next few minutes and wants some? Like.... WTF right?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am so glad you found us. You have come to the right place and you are among people who understand and share your misery.

You are not mad. You live with a very difficult person. And firstly I want to urge you to give up all hope of ever changing him, no matter how much you bend yourself into a pretzel.  Only he can change himself, and without strong incentive it's unlikely he will. Secondly, the more you give in to his unreasonable demands the more unreasonable and controlling he will become. Thirdly, you might be gaslighting yourself by working under the pretense that his behavior is normal. It is not. And the quicker you admit to yourself that you are dealing with a troubled, difficult person the faster you will find yourself on the path of healing from marital abuse you now live with.

Please study the Toolbox and begin applying the strategies asap. Get a copy of the book "Why does he do that? " by Bancroft and the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist " by Fjelstad.

Do you have a support network in real life? Friends, family, a self help group?
Sounds like you are financially independent- do you have an account that he has no access to?

You are not alone! Some people on this board choose to remain in their relationship and post on the "Committed to working on it" or "Chosen relationship " boards. This is where I started. I then moved on to the "separating/divorcing" board. Check them out. You might find similar stories and useful information.

See you around on the boards!

[SonofThunder]

Another warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  I will second the advice that notrightinthehead passed along to you.  Needsupportthankyou, you are not alone, as we all walk these trails together. ☺️

You have many fellow hikers that are in similar situations, both as wives and husbands with a PD spouse.  I like to consider the forum boards like campsites along the trail and each board has a toasty campfire in which to pull up an empty chair (we always leave a couple chairs open!), take off your hiking boots and rest your weary toes up near the warmth, joining in discussion with your fellow travelers. 

Welcome again and I look forward to chatting around the campfires along the way.

SoT

[Needsupportthankyou]

Thank you both so much for your kind words and your suggestions. I've looked over the toolbox and am going to find some of the books to read. Some things I've realized reading through this website and your comments -

The degree is control is shocking and I can't believe it's taken me so long to realize.

Both my husband and I are high earners (each top1%), we could both easily be financially independent. We have 2 young kids and everything is into a joint account, joint credit cards, joint Amazon, everything. We even have joint photo account so we can see each other's phone pictures. I thought this was awesome and that we were so "mature" by sharing everything. We share all our passwords to everything because "we don't have anything to hide".

It never even crossed my mind that if I ever wanted to take a picture or buy something on my own or do anything without him knowing, I literally can't. I make top1% income but don't have a way of buying something for myself without him knowing. I can't take a picture or screenshot without him knowing. I want to buy one of the suggested books, but unless I buy the paperback version from a store, he will know.

I generally never buy anything for myself except for the occasional thing at Marshalls, Costco or a thrift shop, always at least 80% off. The other day, I found a pair of jeans that really made me feel good, like better than any other pair I've ever worn. I bought them full price. Remember, we are very high earners and can 100% afford this. He saw I bought a new pair of expensive jeans and gave me a 30 minutes lecture on budgeting and how I spend too much on myself.

Next step for me is tracking down some physical copies of the books suggested above and counseling for both me and us together. I definitely need someone for me, alone, because I need to figure out what I want now that I actually see him for what he is.

I'm angry with him for doing this to me, but also angry with myself for being blind to it for so long. I'm a smart, well educated person, and I can't believe I let this happen.

I've started using the toolbox suggestions and have basically taken the fuel off the fire. He has tried to bait me a couple times and I just flatly deny him the satisfaction of a reaction. So no more explosive fights, which is an improvement from where we were last week. I'm feeling somehow less hopeful about our marriage... But more hopeful for myself, does that make sense at all?

Im not ready to give up and will give counseling a try. But, I'm most worried about me and my kids. I'm worried they will see how he treats me and think that's normal, so I'm not willing to stay if it continues this way.

Just seeing the stories here helps me recognize that I'm not alone. I've felt so isolated for so long and I don't feel that way anymore.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Needsupportthankyou,

You may desire to search Out of the FOG for opinions on joint marital counseling with a PD spouse.  PD's are masters at their craft and will many times use a marriage counselor against the nonPD spouse, causing the nonPD to feel cornered even more than before.  I fully support individual counseling for yourself, but personally I refused marital counseling and very glad I made that choice. 

Also, if you have a close friend who you confide in about your difficulties, they can order you books and you use ATM cash to reimburse or you can pay cash at a bookstore as you suggested.  I urge you to keep all things private from the PD, as any information to a PD is like showing a playbook to the opposing team in a sporting event.  Doing so is a boundary you place on yourself in order to protect yourself from heightened abuse that you may face otherwise. Also, use incognito mode on computers to watch video's such as Dr Ramani.  PD's are very high radar and when they sense that situations are slightly abnormal, will investigate to keep the nonPD in a defensive position. 

Wishing you the best,

SoT

[Queenfrog]

Hi Needsupportthankyou -- Longtime spouse of an uOCPDh here. Committed to working on this chosen relationship. I just arrived here too and posted my Welcome Mat introduction. It sounds like we have a lot in common. I hope we can support each other in this forum.

[SeaBreeze]

Welcome! I'm in the process of divorcing stbx of 25 years. In my unprofessional opinion, but based on years of very personal experience, my stbx is both uNPD and uOCPD. It seems the micromanaging is where his narcissism intersects with his mental illness. It's a primary reason I learned to put boundaries in place; it's one of a few reasons I finally left. It was always his way or the highway, so, well, I finally took the highway! I hope you find the answers, tools, and support you need here at Out of the FOG. It was a lifeline for me during the Committed To Working On It years, and much needed encouragement post-separation.