Guilt

[Marianne]

My mum and I had a highly ambivalent relationship. She had a very loving side. But also a very difficult. And she could never speak things out, because she always blamed me and presented as perfect. Though likely carrying shame underneath.

She died a few years back.

And I still carry a horrible mixture of emotions.

I feel I, or our fights, were the cause of her death. She had cancer.

I forgave her before she died and went along in her thought of having being a perfect mother with a perfect family. Things were good. For a moment. That's how I had wanted her to die.

But a month before she died, she did something odd. That brought back all the trauma I hadn't been "allowed to process".

A man offered help. His behaviour reminded me of my narcissistic ex. Love bombing. I did not want any of that. And for the first time in life, I recognised it. Set a boundary. And went no contact. In time.

I told my mum carefully.

And in an hour she called me back with a weird voice. Asking me to get something at the little shop he worked at. So weird. Bringing me back in contact.

It was tiny.

But it brought back all trauma. All the confusing things she did. Her defence of every man who ever abused me. This was not the first time she wanted me closer to someone like this. I asked her why and she came up with three different vague excuses.

I spent her last weeks going between fear, anger and fawn.

I tried to keep it away from her.

But she noticed. And picked a few fights. Yelling at me what a horrible daughter and mother I was. I told her I was angry. I tried to suppress my feelings, but I couldn't hide I felt total overwhelm.

She also did loving things. Sent loving music. I sent loving cards.

Our goodbye was a mixture of emotions. As was our relationship.

I tried to forgive, but there was no real forgiveness, because I hadn't processed my trauma. She didn't allow me to feel anything critical - and I listened.

After she died, I learned, and im still learning, that she told everyone that I had picked fights with her on her deathbed for no reason.

I lost my complete family over that. And my mental health. Nobody asked my side.

There's so much guilt. I wanted a peaceful death for her. If I ever die, I'd feel horrid if I sensed my kid was fearful and angry, even if he tried to suppress it.

On the other hand...she could have done things differently. If my child is upset, I try acknowledge his feeling and say sorry.

And im upset she told people a very warped story...so im left with the mess.

I wish I had taken my distance and processed things. Then came back with genuine forgiveness.

I have so many questions, still not knowing my real mum. And such self-hatred.

Sorry for the long story.

I just struggle.

[Marianne]

I guess I feel I should have said a different goodbye. For her sake and mine.

But with this situation, I'm a bit clueless as to how then.

Because my real feelings were mixed. With a lot of fear. And I was not allowed to speak or even feel that.

I still wish I had, somehow, been calm and gentle. So real connection had been possible.

[Adria]

Dear Marianne,  Please don't be so hard on yourself.  These types of situations are so complicated with no instruction book on how to handle them correctly.  And, in my humble opinion, I don't think there is a way to handle them perfectly.  it is so emotionally charged that it is almost impossible to walk away thinking you did everything right. It sounds like your mom had a difficult personality to deal with. It sounds like she sent a lot of mixed messages that left you hanging in the lurch.  From my perspective, it sounds like you did the best you could most of the time.  That is all you can do.  Some people never let what we do be right.  They always twist our good intentions into something we never intended, leaving us with the feeling of shoulda - woulda- coulda, if only, or maybe if. . .

Maybe you could go to her gravesite and say your different goodbye.  I had to do the same thing.  I brought a balloon, said everything I needed to say for her sake and mine. When I was done, I let the balloon go to symbolize letting all the bad go, to release any ill feelings for both of us and to release my mom. Then I laid down a rose and cried.  It really did help to let it all out.  I found much peace and closure after that. 

Be kind and patient and forgiving of yourself knowing you did the best you could at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20. And, even if you didn't do your best all the time, the situation sounds so overwhelming that it would be very difficult to be the perfect daughter during all of this.  Beating yourself up will not make anything better.  It's time for you to do some self care and try to accept the way it was and find ways to move forward. I pray you come to a place of peace and loving thoughts toward yourself. Take care. Hugs, Adria

[notrightinthehead]

That's good advice, the balloon thing. I wrote everything down, I wrote pages and pages, in fact, I did it three times and cried a lot. All my anger, disappointment, unrequited love, the deep love and longing for her love, the hatred I sometimes felt for her. And then I burned the paper. It made me feel peaceful and calm inside after I had done it every time. When I think of her now, I know that I loved her and that she probably loved me, but she was so severely damaged, she could not give me what I needed when I was a child.

She is gone. It's time you learn to love yourself now, Marianne. Something she couldn't teach you because she never knew how.

[moglow]

From my perspective, it sounds like you did the best you could most of the time.  That is all you can do.  Some people never let what we do be right.  They always twist our good intentions into something we never intended, leaving us with the feeling of shoulda - woulda- coulda, if only, or maybe if. . .

What our friends above have said is all so true - we've all tried and done and cried and gave our best and stumbled etc etc and none of it "fixed" anything. We were still found wanting, because that's what our mothers/fathers chose to see [or not see, as the case may be]. And because they're our parents we believed it, all the big and small things that were "wrong" with us or where we were lacking. That's their perspective for whatever reasons of their own.

Write it all out and keep on writing it out. Look at that guilt and shame and doubt and where you see yourself "lacking" - understand those are not your things, Marianne. Those came from elsewhere, from places where you weren't built up or encouraged when you needed it, places where you were possibly torn down and doubted and shamed. You don't have to own *any* of that, it's not yours.

Look for and embrace the good within you, and share it everywhere you go. That will help you reinforce the good that you are. When their negative messages pop up, either write it out or just push them away. That's not your stuff.

We're here with you.

[Adria]

From Moglow: Look for and embrace the good within you, and share it everywhere you go.

That is truly the path to healing.

[Marianne]

Thanks all of you.

I needed to think about it. But a lot of that is good advice. I'll try the balloon, the goodness, the self care...

[sunshine702]

It sounds to me you are looking for (((the perfect death))) where everyone says just the right thing back and forth and then death comes right on time like in a movie.  Life is not like that and death is definitely not like that.

I have experienced my Narc mom not taking any information in when she made up HER mind on something.  Your brother J is just like my sister s.  Something I don't see at all and try to point out some differences - doesn't matter J is S end of story. 

I like this idea of grave chats.  Interesting.  Or urn chats.