4 months of no contact and I am coming to terms with the emotional abuse

[turnonthelight333]

Hi there. I am a woman who was in a fairly short relationship with someone who I believe may have borderline personality disorder. I posted on here a few times right after my breakup and I really felt like I was doing better after the pain of the initial few weeks, so I haven't been on here in a few months. At that time I said I didn't think I had experienced any abuse, and someone suggested then that I should rethink that based on some of the behaviors I described.

It's been nearly 4 months since we broke up, which was about the length of our relationship. Only recently I've been experiencing some episodes of dissociation and generally coming to terms with the fact that I was emotionally abused. Is this normal, not to feel these things right away? I thought I was getting better but I feel like maybe I just hadn't processed it all.

[_firewalker_]

Hi totl,

Thank you for stopping back by! I am glad you were able to get out of that toxic relationship.

Do you have a therapist? If not I would strongly suggest you find someone who is knowledgable about Narcissistic relationships, or is trauma-informed. Sounds like you are going through some tough stuff that would benefit from processing with a professional.

[notrightinthehead]

Short answer - yes.

It depends how you react to abuse - some of us go into a kind of hibernation state and do not feel anything. This is your survival mode. It's called the freeze state. It allows you to pretend everything is normal, everything is fine. The response to the abuse then comes up when you feel safe enough for it to emerge. Which seems to be now for you. Four month later.

[sunshine702]

I am reading this wondering if I will experience this.  Thank you for sharing yeah I bet I will when things are safe and stable. The gas lamps you are positive they are ON and they keep telling you NO (reference from the movie). At the four month mark you knew that yes they were on the whole time and you were bing ABUSED.  Right now I am sick.  The stress.  I had about two years with the toxic mother in law poisoning .  Reading your guy's journey and advice is 1000 percent helpful .  Thank you all so much. 

[MaxedOut]

It sounds normal to me. As notright mentioned, there are various ways we might protect ourselves, heal, celebrate etc. Those are what was needed then but they are often not the totality of the journey. It's not like other breakups or losses.

Borderline is so tough-we see the hurt underneath the behaviors, we see the shame and fear, we want to be that safe place. The softest best parts of us see the softest best parts in them and become invested heart-forward.

I am married to my uPDw but I know there will be a long road on recovering for some of the bigger foundational things. Things like my assumptions and beliefs about myself and relationships that led to me getting stuck, small s safety as an assumption about love, and big S Safety as a way my nervous system has changed, guilt about acting in conflict to my values, effects on other relationships.... Because these things are still there without that specific person and relationship. I can't unsee them. I can't put them in a box just for this relationship.

It's not like "well, long distance relationships are hard" or "he wanted kids I didn't". - PD relationships leverage weak points, turn beliefs we thought were positive into something maladaptive, show us where we can be hooked into manipulation/guilt/conflict. AND trauma is not a quick speed bump to overcome. 

[sunshine702]

Oh my goodness yes.  Every other breakup I have had has been about something. 

This seems about nothing.  Borderline is such a weird thing!  Or I guess the fundamental about us and us sucks.  It's abusive and not fun.

Even my Narc ex left with someone so there was that.  It took me a decade to fully understand that I was a placeholder and the relationship was real for me but not for him