Anyone ever have to completely leave family and build a new one

Invisiblewoman · March 15, 2024, 12:05:31 PM

I think it's what I have to do.

I cannot dwell on the lies told to me. There's no point in even trying to make sense of it. They want the attention and it doesn't matter how they get it, they just want total control over everything down to how I think and feel.

Anyone ever leave an entire family and build a new one? How is it working?

Call Me Cordelia · March 15, 2024, 01:54:53 PM

Hi there, Invisiblewoman. Yes, I have gone completely no contact with both my family of origin and in-laws, for 6-7 years now. I expect both of those choices to remain permanent.

We were married with kids at that time, and we're going to stay married. DH remains in very tenuous contact with his parents and LC with his sister, but the kids and I are 100% NC. Overall, our outcome is overwhelmingly positive. I was afraid of the loneliness of not having family for our kids, but what we found was that the loneliness had been with us all along. After admitting the reality of the lack of love for us, we were free to stop pouring our energies and love into a bottomless pit and receiving only further trauma and grief for our trouble. We were free to put our energy into positive relationships that breathed life into our marriage and family. We found room for joy. I wish the same for you.

Invisiblewoman · March 16, 2024, 08:06:55 PM

I feel somehow wrong and very confused about their actions.

I really just want to build a new way of life beyond the circular arguments. Going to try to do my best

DaisyGirl77 · March 17, 2024, 01:51:09 PM

I have. I'm permanently NC with eF's side of the family (minus eF himself) & NC for roughly a decade now from uNM & am considering going NC with her side after recent events, which are detailed in a different subforum here. It's been hard. I'm practically an orphan now & it's weird. There are some days I struggle with it more than others & days I wish both parents had chosen better partners than each other because both sides have their own trauma & it's resulted in some serious issues for me to overcome. Some days I'm much more in my feelings over it & other days (the majority of the time) where I'm more...disappointed yet apathetic & in the "they all suck--it is what it is" frame of mind.

As far as choosing my new FOC...it's still in progress. I thought I had a solid FOC roughly 3 years ago, but things happened (also a post here somewhere on that) & those slots still need filling by whoever comes to fill them. I'm not in a rush. Life has shown me repeatedly that I have to be choosy or things blow up in my face so... Again, my feelings on this are complicated & are very much like my thoughts re: FOO, but 98% of the time it's "it is what it is". I'm a little sadder with this bit because I've only had one friend stick around v. the horde of people I know who've had close friends from elementary school & remain tight to this day & that's what I struggle with most. The "Why am I not good enough?" question--neither here nor there for the purposes of this response.

Anyway, I hope this helps. The TL;DR version is: I have, & I'm still searching for my FOC. Lol.

Jsinjin · March 17, 2024, 02:48:23 PM

I haven't and I thought about it but with the kids, where we are in life and family I decided to work on it. It's been hard and the PD issues are always there but it's managed to work out for me. My PD spouse isn't mean or lying, however. She is anxiety filled and a perfectionist and inflexible but her controlling nature isn't there to control me or isolate me, it's different.

If you are in a situatiin where the PD l(s) in your life have/has made your self worth under their control and they are malicious then it is probably necessary to look at no contact and a fresh start.

Thoughts and prayers for you.

J

Invisiblewoman · March 17, 2024, 05:07:04 PM

My issue for going no contact is because they said some things that were merely said to intentionally provoke a reaction out of me.

They used my reaction against me months later when my mother died and just made a bunch of accusations when I confronted them for gaslighting me.

They accused me of lying, being toxic.

No matter how balanced and equitable a response I gave, they keep insisting I am crazy. They also threatened me with legal action.

They want any response to use against me. Their audacity is never ending and dangerous to my wellbeing. There is no working this out. Other family has seriously physically and emotionally harmed me. I feel with everything it's a deal breaker.

Call Me Cordelia · March 17, 2024, 09:15:44 PM

Ho boy, have I been there! It sounds like you are saying there is nothing at all salvageable here, nothing to stay for. If so, that is a painful and terrible realization to make, but if you are right it truly can only get better from there.

Invisiblewoman · March 17, 2024, 10:17:21 PM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on March 17, 2024, 09:15:44 PMHo boy, have I been there! It sounds like you are saying there is nothing at all salvageable here, nothing to stay for. If so, that is a painful and terrible realization to make, but if you are right it truly can only get better from there.

I had had enough. I'm too old for these games and so are they.

I just got sick of their hypocrisy and them accusing me of the very things they were doing.