Tricky and Vulnerable Situation

[j.banquo]

I'm currently living in the house of my mother, who has narcissistic traits to say the least, and is 82 years old.

Here's what happened the last time I was living here, condensed. In 2021, I took Lexapro and had an extreme adverse reaction, with mania and psychosis. I acted in ways I never had, often yelling, ripping up a lawn sign, and lots of strange and erratic behavior. Instead of making a real effort to help me, by perhaps urging me to go to a hospital, or calling crisis services, after some months she and my sister entered my apartment below the house without my consent, hired a company to clear it out, boarded my cats, and only told me afterwards, telling me they had changed the locks and not to come near the property. At that point I was still somewhat functional, and hired a moving company to get what they could and put it in storage. It seemed to me like they wanted nothing to do with me, with that behavior, so I backed off completely, and felt like I'd lost my family. Within a few months I was too ill to even pay my bills, including the storage unit bill, and I lost everything I'd ever owned.

I eventually got hospitalized at a psych hospital, and they called me individually. I was not warm to them, hurt by what they'd done, confused about why they were contacting me if they had such a low opinion of me, and they did not call again or try to visit. The hospitalization made things worse, but that's another story.

I got back in touch with them once I'd finally stopped taking the Lexapro and then the psychosis started to clear, September 2022, and it finally hit me how I'd been acting, starting a year and a half prior. I apologized by email for how I'd treated them, and tried to explain what had happened. I wanted to at least talk to them on Thanksgiving (I was not invited), but my sister said it would be too stressful. I wasn't invited to Christmas. Still dealing with lingering psychosis and severe depression now, I said I wanted family therapy, and my mother wouldn't listen when I said it shouldn't be with her therapist, so I gave in to that, wanting desperately to reconnect with my family. At the family therapy session, I was told that I might've become dangerous, that I was too defensive and didn't take criticism well, my sister listed off a list of things I did that she didn't like going back twenty years, and I was told I was abusive. I was stunned by her list of my failures, and asked what I could do in the future for her to feel better about our relationship. I did not let them get away with calling me dangerous or abusive.

Flash forward some more, and I moved back in with my mother in October 2023, still not recovered from the Lexapro incident. She has been extraordinarily helpful, but has also called me violent when I crumpled up a piece of paper, will not give me access to enable and disable her motion detectors, so I am trapped between 11pm and 8am, and cannot come home late or get up early, told me "lots of people" were worried about her safety in 2021, that "lots of people" wouldn't approve of my living here now. She was telling whoever she felt like my private medical information, and when I asked her to stop, she told me I shouldn't feel that way. She refers to when she kicked me out with no notice as when I "left." And on, and on. She's also a delightful and interesting person, who does think she cares about me in a functional way. Disturbingly, she told me she worried about me and wondered where I was every night after I was gone...

In January of this year, I finally started to recover from my life-altering disaster. I hope. The reason I was living with her to begin with was I was disabled by Bipolar Disorder in 2014, and I dedicated myself to finding a treatment that worked, to no avail (I think I figured it out now - no antidepressants). My income from SSDI is quite low, and I'm not sure I could really afford a place, but also not sure I'm well or stable enough to go back to work.

In some ways it would be ideal to stay here at least for a couple years, helping her out, working on my writing project about my insane experience, making sure the medication regimen really is working. We do equal work cooking and cleaning and things, and it benefits me to not have to cook. But, sometimes I feel like I'm just completely nuts for wanting a relationship with either her or my sister at all. I might've had a brain tumor, I might've died, the things I was doing. I lost everything. This pattern from them goes back to birth, I could go on. And I worry that living and being in such a close relationship with her might be damaging, and influence me to choose the wrong friendships and partners.

How much is the risk of emotional harm from this relationship, is what I'm wondering. I have more security and stability staying here, but I worry...

[SaintBlackSheep]

That sounds really hard and terrifying. In my opinion, you need to get out. I think "stability" is overrated. I once learned in a doctoral clinical psych course about family violence that the most dysfunctional relationships are often very stable. Stability does not mean it's healthy or safe. Stability just means everyone knows their roles and dutifully performs them, which is how dysfunctional families operate. This is also the birthplace of personality disorders!! It sounds like your role in this dysfunctional family dynamic is to be the "problem child," and any effort you make to get healthy or do the right thing will be ignored at best, sabotaged at worst, by your family. If you weren't there to be the "problem," what would your sister do with herself? Who would your mom blame her issues on? Who is benefitting from your role? There is usually a golden child, a savior, a forgotten child, a martyr, etc. You posted this in the elderly PD family members forum, so I'm assuming your mom has a PD? Your issues are perfect fodder for a covert narc mother. Different family members can occupy more than one role, or swap out a few over time, and it's all very "stable," but very toxic.
I am not a doctor, I was working on a different PhD when I took that course, so take my feedback with a grain of salt, but the situation you described sounds very unhealthy and very difficult place to establish your own healthy sense of self, much less a healthy life.

[DaisyGirl77]

I read this yesterday but couldn't respond because there were too many similarities.  I don't struggle with some things like you do, but the behavior & the violence & the gaslighting you describe ring true.  Frankly, the emotional damage is going to be (if it isn't already) irreparable if you stick it out with your uNM.  I say save yourself.  Your mother doesn't care about you, & certainly not about your recovery.  Please consider prioritizing yourself by getting out of there & into another, safer, environment so you can better recover from your crisis & heal from the damage she inflicted on you all your life so you can be a better version of you someday (with time, space, & therapy).

Please take care of yourself.

[j.banquo]

Thank you both for your responses!

the most dysfunctional relationships are often very stable.

Thank you for pointing this out, I'd never really thought about that.

Your issues are perfect fodder for a covert narc mother.

She is absolutely a covert narcissist, yes.

...the situation you described sounds very unhealthy and very difficult place to establish your own healthy sense of self, much less a healthy life.

I am going to get out as soon as I conceivably can.

Frankly, the emotional damage is going to be (if it isn't already) irreparable if you stick it out with your uNM.

I fear this... I'm stuck here for at least a little while, with my income, but if I continue to recover from my Lexapro adventure, I will have building hope that I can get out.