The Cycle of Abuse

[Beachlife]

Hello

My undiagnosed husband had another meltdown on Friday night over a minor issue which resulted in him storming off then the silent treatment. This morning he is doing his usual thing of acting like nothing happened but trying to smooth things over by making me breakfast.
I know it's all part of the cycle. I know it will happen again. So why can't I find the strength and the courage to leave? I'm so tired of living this way, I'm so tired of being a coward and not having the balls to walk away.
I'm just so tired, mentally & emotionally.

[IsleOfSong]

Hi Beachlife, your post rings many bells for me. Do you find yourself oddly relieved when the abuse cycle shifts back into the nicey-nicey "play house" mode, like when your husband makes you breakfast and seems to forget the previous outburst? That's how I often feel once the anger subsides. Of course, I'm just setting myself up for the next round of abuse. And there always is a next round...

I'm working on gathering the courage to leave my PD spouse as well. Keep posting!

[Beachlife]

Thank you for your reply.

Hi Beachlife, your post rings many bells for me. Do you find yourself oddly relieved when the abuse cycle shifts back into the nicey-nicey "play house" mode, like when your husband makes you breakfast and seems to forget the previous outburst? That's how I often feel once the anger subsides. Of course, I'm just setting myself up for the next round of abuse. And there always is a next round...

Yes! That's exactly how I feel too.

Sorry you are dealing with this too. I hope we both find a way out x

[notrightinthehead]

I lived like this for decades. Some call it trauma bond. Once you are bonded you are so traumatized that it seems impossible to leave. You never recover enough to get the strength to leave, the contrary- every round of abuse leaves you weaker and less able to leave.
The work for me began when I took tiny little steps back to self esteem and independence. Therapy, a self-help group like CoDA, the strategies from the Toolbox, no longer keeping a secret about his behavior towards me, my own bank account. Slowly building myself up and protecting myself better.

Take your focus away from him and turn it towards protecting yourself a little bit better every day.

Check out the resources, there is a lot of helpful literature out there. You are not alone and you deserve better.

[Beachlife]

Thank you for your reply.

I'm so over him acting normal after being abusive and expecting the rest of us to act like nothing happened. Does he really not see how much he is hurting us by his behaviour? Or is it arrogance or entitlement, he can act however he likes and just expects us to put up with it?

I lived like this for decades. Some call it trauma bond. Once you are bonded you are so traumatized that it seems impossible to leave. You never recover enough to get the strength to leave, the contrary- every round of abuse leaves you weaker and less able to leave.

This is exactly how I feel. I feel like his behaviour has chipped away a piece of me every time and I am too weak now to do anything about it. I don't even call him out on it anymore because I am too scared how he will react.

I have so much resentment towards him for acting this way, for thinking he gets to act how he wants and we should just tolerate it. So much resentment for him believing I am happy and fulfilled in this marriage when I am so obviously not! I cannot understand how his mind works but I guess that's all part of his distorted thinking.

[IsleOfSong]

This graphic sums up the cycle of abuse quite well:

https://www.simplypsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/Cycle-of-abuse.jpeg

Round and round it goes, and very disorienting, kind of like a spin cycle in a washing machine. The only difference is that a washing machine eventually comes to a stop, whereas people like my wife (and likely your spouse) seem to do this indefinitely. They simply don't know any other way, and there is real fear of narcissistic injury if you reject them, so as miserable as they are, they go back to being nice to keep you around as long as possible.

The trauma bond thing is indeed a very serious facet of this for the non-PD partner.

[Beachlife]

He came home from work with flowers...
I felt sick, manipulated, angry!
He thinks everything is ok now, it is so far from ok!

The good thing is I am finally recognising the cycle and that I am in a trauma bond. Now I need to find the courage and strength to leave.

[LemonLime]

Beachlife, you're in the same cycle most of us have found ourselves in.
Luckily, there is a way out!  You're reading the posts and the Toolbox.  You're on your way.

Please give yourself grace.  It's OK.  The PDs are manipulative, and clever.
It's not your fault.

They think they can get away with it because they have.
They've done it for years and years.
It's worked for them.  In a sick way.

They will likely continue their cycle. Their game.
But you can take yourself out of the game. 
The game will go on. Without YOU.

  

[square]

You may have been getting weaker, but now you are getting stronger.

I'm walking right here next to you.

[sunshine702]

Hello

My undiagnosed husband had another meltdown on Friday night over a minor issue which resulted in him storming off then the silent treatment. This morning he is doing his usual thing of acting like nothing happened but trying to smooth things over by making me breakfast.
I know it's all part of the cycle. I know it will happen again. So why can't I find the strength and the courage to leave? I'm so tired of living this way, I'm so tired of being a coward and not having the balls to walk away.
I'm just so tired, mentally & emotionally.

You are not a coward. You know we put this "Just Leave" garbage on to Relationships and shame people experiencing tough times.  Domestic Violence people to got this a lot but finally society has gotten a bot better that it is just not that easy both logistically and emotionally. 

I like to change the scenario sometimes to look at things more clearly. This is your story told in a new venue.

- So My Assistant General Manager Mike had another meltdown on Friday morning over a minor issue - we did not restock the waters.  He stormed off and stayed in his office all day not talking to anyone. The next day he brought us donuts and acted like nothing happened.  I know this is a cycle.  I know this will happen again.  I am tired why can't I just quit this job?!  I am tired emotionally physically and mentally.

Would we tell this person quit right then and there?  Not looking at where they are in their position and their financial situation??!! No of course not!

Can this person transfer away from Mike?  Maybe to housekeeping?  Can you disengage as best you can?  So looking for another job which takes time could be for you looking for a place to go if you do leave eventually.  Why do we think one is immediate and one takes time??!!

[sunshine702]

I lived like this for decades. Some call it trauma bond. Once you are bonded you are so traumatized that it seems impossible to leave. You never recover enough to get the strength to leave, the contrary- every round of abuse leaves you weaker and less able to leave.
The work for me began when I took tiny little steps back to self esteem and independence. Therapy, a self-help group like CoDA, the strategies from the Toolbox, no longer keeping a secret about his behavior towards me, my own bank account. Slowly building myself up and protecting myself better.

Take your focus away from him and turn it towards protecting yourself a little bit better every day.

Check out the resources, there is a lot of helpful literature out there. You are not alone and you deserve better.

I have absolutely seen and experienced this in work situations too.  It can be a touch easier to get away - kids and property and cost of living.  But leaving a job is a heck of a thing too.  I think we should not focus on the end of the race - quitting / leaving and more on the jog of the race.  What sort of things can we do today and next week to protect and soothe and move toward the door.  Can I get my remume polished up?  Can I look on Indeed tonight. 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Beachlife - yes, give yourself some grace.  It seems like you are on the journey learning about yourself and your marriage.

I don't think most PD's remember experiences the way most people do - they may re-write the memory to match their own emotions.  They had to yell because they aren't loved enough or heard enough or taken care of enough.....  Their intense emotions are never their fault but someone else's so they justify their actions.  And, in my experience, when my exPD tried to "make up" with me, it wasn't because he felt bad, but because he felt like the bigger person - you know, she was ridiculous, but I'm the better person so I'll get her flowers.

It used to drive me crazy until I saw him for what he was.

It was a long journey for me. 

Be patient and educate yourself.