Those of you who have left

Beachlife · March 17, 2024, 10:56:27 PM

Those of you who have ending up leaving the relationship/marriage with someone with a PD, how did you get to that point?

I struggle with the guilt of wanting to leave. I tried once before and got told 'he would die alone' if we split up. I dread the blame, the abuse, the nastiness from him if I do.

I struggle daily wondering if I should try harder to help him and be a better wife but I can't. I'm so emotionally & mentally depleted.

notrightinthehead · March 18, 2024, 02:11:09 AM

I left with two suitcases. When I arrived at my destination, I blocked him everywhere except for my email account where his mail went to a special folder so it didn't show up in my normal mailbox.
I had no contact whatsoever for about half a year. Anybody who tried to tell me things about him, I asked not to tell me.
This sounds drastic but it's what I needed to do to slowly get back some clarity of mind.

Beachlife · March 18, 2024, 02:55:18 AM

Thanks for your reply. So great you got out.
Unfortunately I can't up and leave, we have 3 kids and one of them is special needs.

Lookin 2 B Free · March 19, 2024, 01:33:59 AM

I'm sorry you're in this position, Beachlife. Fear, Obligation & Guilt (FOG) can be very paralyzing and PD's are quite skilled at eliciting them. (Especially if we spent our childhood in a PD household where it was already instilled from a very young age.)

What brought me to a point where I could walk away from the marriage with almost no money and full custody of the kids (one of whom was special needs, which meant I couldn't work in a normal job)?

I'd had guilt, but even more than that, fear. But I was so stressed in the marriage, I felt my health was getting ruined, that I might die an early death ... and also that it just wasn't right.

I prayed if it was best I go, the mental-emotional obstacles which were preventing me would be removed. And they were. It was no cake walk taking on all that responsibility myself and living at poverty level. Still, it was better than it had been. It truly was.

Situations are all different. I believe leaving was right for me, but that doesn't mean it is for everyone.

I tell myself "They are aware there's such a thing as therapy if they need help." "I'm not their mother or their "higher power." I still feel lots of guilt, but I don't let it drive my decisions. I don't believe I was put on this earth to live in servitude to someone just so they can feel comfortable continuing to act out their disorder without seeking help. It feels like a wrong use of my life, spiritually wrong. Again, that's me and it may not be wrong for another couple. Clarity can take time, but I hope it comes to you soon!

notrightinthehead · March 19, 2024, 01:59:52 AM

.....I don't believe I was put on this earth to live in servitude to someone just so they can feel comfortable continuing to act out their disorder without seeking help. ....

100% agree.

SeaBreeze · March 19, 2024, 12:07:57 PM

I spent the last several years of my 25 year marriage plotting my exit. Had a few false starts before I finally made myself set an official date to leave. I slept with a packed bag, shoes, keys, phone, and taser by the bed (separate bedrooms) in case I had to leave sooner. About a month and a half before my planned exit, there was an unsettling incident... not the first such incident yet this time I felt a quiet but true fear, followed by a calm but firm voice in my head that said "Go." I actually had to leave with stbx there, but thankfully he was in such shock that I was leaving, he didn't try to stop me. I knew it was time; I was out of there in about 10 minutes. Been out one year now.

sunshine702 · March 21, 2024, 12:27:05 AM

I got left my a Narc ex. He did everything he could online and in our mutual circles to rub the new one in my face. At the time it hurt but years later it was the parable of the horse. Stay OFF searchable social media. Zero snoop ability helped me a lot then.

https://www.lifecoach.com/articles/laws-of-attraction/the-present-is-perfect-the-parable-of-the-chinese-farmer/#:~:text=A%20farmer%20and%20his%20family%20in%20ancient%20China,it%20was%20a%20terrible%20bit%20of%20bad%20luck.

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · March 24, 2024, 09:53:14 AM

I was slowly coming Out of the FOG and the tipping point was that a very good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. It was horrible that this was happening to a person that is truly a wonderful human being - just all around wonderful person.

This event just woke me up - we have one life to live and there was no living with my PD spouse.

I'm 2 years out from living with him and over a year since the divorce - I still feel a sense of relief and I am so proud of myself. It was difficult and stressful but worth it.

I still have life challenges, but they are mine now