After an Episode

[Beachlife]

So my undiagnosed H with a suspected (by me) PD had another episode on Friday night where he lost it over something minor, swore at my son, stormed off and gave us the silent treatment until Sunday.
Then proceeded to act like nothing happened and expected the rest of us to as well.
He made me breakfast and on Monday came home with flowers for me (which made me feel so manipulated, I've barely looked at them and my heart sank when I saw them).

Clearly he thinks all is ok. Inside I am once again seething with resentment  that he feels entitled to act however he wants and thinks being nice and buying flowers has smoothed everything over.

I'm so tired of this scenario playing out over and over again. Do they really not see how hurtful their actions are? Do they not feel guilty?

I don't understand how H cannot sense how distanced I am from him. I guess because I'm still here, but the last episode has broken me and I am looking into my options regarding the house in a separation.

I can't live like this anymore.

[LemonLime]

I'm so sorry you're being treated like this.  It is abusive.

I don't know how their brains work. And likely I wouldn't want to know....probably scary.
We don't need to know.  We just need to act, as you are thinking of doing.
My advice, unsolicited, is that you not get caught up in the thinking.  Just do to the doing.

My uPD sib is similar.  When her episode is over for her, she seems to believe it should be over for us.  She acts like it never happened.  Only there is a "tell".....she is extra-nice to me after she abuses me.   It's fairly subtle.....a small unexpected gift "just because".  Something like that.  I don't believe for a minute she would ever admit to giving me a gift because she felt guilty.

I think she has done this for years, and in her "defense", it worked.  She got away with it.   Us conflict-averse family members looked the other way, in hopes it would all go away. That she would grow out of it.  Something, anything.  But of course this likely only emboldened her.  And likely her brain became re-wired to believe her bizarre reality.  So now we are left to deal with the effects.

It's difficult, and I'm in a different situation than you are.  But I have recently clearly established new boundaries with her.  And I've never felt healthier.  Yes, it's sort of sad.  She was the maid of honor at my wedding and at one time I thought she was my best friend.  But as others on this board have reminded me, the relationship that I've "lost" never really was.  It was a fantasy I had. 

They will not change.  They won't.  But we can.

Keep posting and please know we are in your corner.    

[IsleOfSong]

I'm so tired of this scenario playing out over and over again. Do they really not see how hurtful their actions are? Do they not feel guilty?

I used to ask the same questions about my PD wife's crazymaking behavior — until someone suggested to me that I was asking the wrong questions. The correct question is, "Why do I put up with someone whose actions are hurtful and who isn't guilty about doing it?"

I would recommend that you focus on yourself and that question, and let go of the idea that it's shocking how badly your PD husband can behave. It's about as shocking as it is that the sky is blue.

[square]

Boy do I know that song. The blowup. The withdrawal (silent treatment in your case, in my case he goes off and sleeps for 12 hours). Then pretending like it never happened, in your case you get flowers, in mine he might have a nicer tone of voice for an hour or two.

And if I bring up the issue? Well, sure, I can do that, and cue Blowup Two. Nah.

I would HATE to get flowers. Flowers would mean I'd have to actively perform. If I don't love the stupid flowers enough, he gets to blow up again, how cool is that? Ten bucks and then he gets to put the burden right back on ME to make HIM feel better for what HE did. And if I don't? I pay. Thankfully he's not a flowers kind of guy.

Do they know? Well, kind of. They know they screwed up, they know that part. The issue is that they don't know it's serious, and they don't know they are responsible for fixing it.

"I was just mad." Not a really big deal, right? YOU'RE childish if you don't let it go and move on. YOU'RE manipulative if you're going to "hold it against him." THEY feel better, so you are just CHOOSING to belabor this out of spite.

Hon, I'm GLAD you can't live like this anymore. It's no way to live.

[Beachlife]

Thank you for your replies and support.

I'm feeling so down today. So defeated. So angry that I let him get away with this time and time again that he doesn't (or doesn't want to) see how miserable I am, how distant I am, how completely DONE I am.

The continued acting normal like nothing happened, the general chit chat, the helpfulness (I'm getting petrol, do you need anything? Going out of his way to get my favourite iced coffee drink).

No! Stop! Just quit thinking this makes up for the years of raging over minor issues, the swearing, the silent treatment, the passive aggression, the constant blame for YOUR behaviour.

How did I get here? How do I move forward? Why do I still shake at the thought of telling him it's over? Why do I still feel guilty that his life will implode once I end the marriage (it's no longer a case of if for me).

Sorry for the rant, I just need somewhere safe to let it out.

[LemonLime]

Beachlife, I believe that what you're going through is TOTALLY normal.
Normal, normal, normal.
Painful but normal.

You're at the beginnings of the journey many of us have taken.
And we're here for you to hold your hand as you navigate.

The confusion and anger are normal. 
If you're able, watch some videos by Jerry Wise.  Or Dr. Ramani.  Or Dr. Les Carter.
Also get a therapist if haven't yet and you can afford it.
Make sure Therapist is very familiar with PDs

We're here for you!!!

[square]

* Normal for someone in an abusive relationship, which is not normal.

[Beachlife]

Thanks for your continued support x

Tonight at dinner I mentioned that my daughter and I were going to a festival tomorrow afternoon with a friend and her daughter. He said he would have liked to have gone as well. I've barely spoken to him all week yet he still thinks I would want him to tag along 

I can sense he is getting frustrated by my lack of communication with him. I'm guessing in his mind he's apologised via the flowers etc and I should be over it. I think part of him is nervous though, I've never been so distant for so long after an episode. I have really shut down. I feel awful for the kids, they must sense the tension, but I honestly do not have the energy or desire to interact with him anymore.

I keep getting flashbacks of his raging episodes/abusive behaviour over the years.

Anyway, today I made an appointment to speak to a lawyer about the house. It's a 30min appointment with a lawyer who does pro bono work once a fortnight. And I'm waiting to hear if my referral for free counselling at a centre for women has been accepted.

Small steps.

[blunk]

They may be small steps, but they are forward progress. Good for you!

I remember similar situations with my bpdxh, I can only describe it as...when he stopped being angry I was expected to stop being hurt. After one particularly nasty incident he brought me a dozen white roses as an "apology" (I was out if the FOG by this time). When I told him that flowers didn't make up for the things he said, he called me a wh@re and said that he wasn't sorry and meant every word.

As for the kids, I would imagine that they do feel the tension, but may find it less upsetting than the raging.

I wish you well in all of this, keep moving forward!