Feel like I put in more effort, give more kindness or politeness

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Is it just growing up in a PD family that your friendship style is such that you put in more effort and give more politeness and kindness than you are ever shown in return? As I type that, it seems an obvious answer. I am just darn tired of it though. 
 
In the last 7-8 years, I realized two friendships in particular I felt were unbalanced. I just literally stopped contacting them. We never argued, nor exchanged harsh words. Neither one has ever contacted me since.  It was hugely clarifying to see how I invest in people who do not care.
   
Recently however, I think I just noticed another longtime "work friendship" I have to pull away from. I worked with her 15 years ago. We have met a few times a year for lunch or dinner. We were supposed to have lunch, and at the last minute I saw a voicemail and text from her. Her voicemail said to call her back because she did not feel well and had to cancel. I returned her call, but only because she said to call her back. When she answered, she was clearly irritated. She said she only told me to call her back to confirm I got her message, but I could have just texted instead. I apologized for disturbing her, wished her well and hung up. I felt burned. I felt like a fool. It seemed overly rude. I know she was not feeling well, but I never would have been that rude to her under any circumstance.   
     
Prior to that, I had begun to notice she talks A LOT about herself. When I do talk, she tends to look around the room and interrupts to call attention to something else nearby. One time I stopped talking mid-sentence just to 'test' my observation about her, and she never even noticed and just started talking about how good her club sandwich was. There is no sign of true interest in me.
               
So I feel like this will be another person in my life, gone. I guess this is not uncommon, right? I do not think you can force friendships though. I suppose, for now, it is OK to let people go, as long as we also can recognize a more mutual friendship and remain open to that as it may arise. 
   
Thanks.

 

[NarcKiddo]

I am the social secretary in our marriage. Without me arranging anything we would not see anyone other than his children/grandchildren/aunt. Who I love and am happy to see. Also his mother who I do not love, nor am happy to see, and it is a massive effort and travel.

My husband might say it is about time we see xyz but I then mostly make the arrangements. I have stopped doing that so much now, to see if he ever does. To be fair he has done so a couple of times.

But what really resonates from your post is that whenever we see friends who live far away it is always us (me) who makes the arrangements. They, several different sets of couples in several different places, always say "oh, you're so good about keeping in touch". And we always have a fun time. But they virtually never get in touch in return. I'm getting tired of this and prepared to leave much longer periods in between visits.

I have two groups where other people do the running, mostly. Some girls from school who live close to each other but occasionally do things in a town where I can join them. And a group of ladies I used to work with some 20 years ago. I see them probably once a year and it is mostly one of them who arranges, not me. So that's nice.

[Rebel13]

Oh yes! My self-absorbed mom trained me well to be a good listener and believe I wouldn't be loved if I didn't meet everyone else's every need. So for most of my life I've attracted people with self-absorbed tendencies as friends, because I provide such quality attention!   So often, by the time I noticed how much emotional labor I was doing and how unbalanced the relationship was, I felt guilty about wanting to end the friendship because the other person "hadn't done anything wrong."  I have made progress on this over the years, letting potential friendships move more slowly and realizing sooner when relationships aren't balanced.

I recently had cancer and several of my friends disappointed me a lot by their (lack of) responses.  So I've done some of what you've done, stopped contacting them and allowed things to become more distant. I'm really OK with it. (Cancer has a way of making people re-evaluate their lives I guess.) I'm realizing now that I'm "mature" that true friends are few and far between and I do have a couple, so I feel lucky to have them.  I'm focusing attention on them and caring more for those relationships, and letting others go.

I think it's perfectly OK to release relationships where one feels one is doing most of the work. If the other person truly cares, they'll make an effort to reconnect. If not, no great loss for me.

[Catothecat]

I am the exact same way, Blueberry.  I realize as well that it comes from my early training thanks to a narc mom who demanded attention and understanding but couldn't give any.  I thought that the only way to have any relationship was to listen, be nice and polite, deferential, and always forgiving.  I had no right to ask for anything back because my value was less than theirs.  If they treated me badly, I somehow deserved it. 

I felt that it was better to leave something unsaid rather than rock the boat and say words I could never take back.  And naturally other people took advantage of that attitude.  So-called friends treated me in ways I would never even think of treating them, including casual, cutting comments that I let go rather than confront them.  I always figured it was just the way they were and I wasn't going to stoop to their level.

In a lot of ways that's a noble sentiment, but in a lot of other ways it just opens you up to abuse and gives others the impression they can take advantage of you.  So needless to say, a lot of my so-called friends were friends only on their terms and their time.  When they couldn't be bothered, they had no hesitancy in letting me know.  So over time I let those folks drift away on their own since I was no longer the only one trying to hold things together.  If they want to get in contact with me, they can do so and I would still be open to seeing them, but I'm not making the effort.  There are "friends," then there are people you just hang around with.  These folks are now just there to hang around with.  I don't consider them actual friends.

And nothing of value was lost.

[LemonLime]

What a good thread, Blueberry.
Boy can I relate to so much of what people have said so far on this topic.

I was raised by a codependent mom, and have a PD sib.   The codependent mom essentially taught me, through her own lack of self-esteem, that the worst thing in the world was for me to create an awkward situation.  So if I (or she) had a friend who had done something not-so-nice, I was taught to never address it directly.  I was taught to be passive-aggressive.  Either that or cross my fingers that the "friend" moved to another town or something.  I'm only partly kidding about that last point.  I felt like addressing the elephant in the room was the absolute worst thing one could do.  Of course, my parents never addressed my sib's narc rages, which were definitely an elephant in the room.  So I certainly was taught by role-modeling to just pretend things were fine, no matter what.

Oh how many years of pain that caused me in my adult life.   Having such a low bar for what I considered "friends".  Now I don't consider someone a "friend" just because I've known them for 20 years.  Friends need to actively contribute to my life, or they get relegated to "acquaintance" in my book.

Took me long enough to grow up.  It's sad.
I'm glad we're all learning.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you Narc, Rebel, Cat and Lemon for sharing your experiences. I guess the learning is ongoing and life presents situations in which we 'get to' apply our newly acquired skills, or maybe do more fine-tuning.   
             
I sort of wince to see how I "fawned" and apologized to my friend after she treated me rudely. Apologizing when she was rude was my go-to... argh!! Also, I have accepted her displays of disinterest and just been happy if she called me because it felt like acceptance.   

Rebel - Sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but hoping you continue onward in good health. I do also believe we get trained to be good listeners, and in fact, can think we must be in order to have a place in someone's life.
Cat - I have also felt it to be a rather noble sentiment, but also wondered if it really only serves for others as they take advantage. 
Lemon - The low bar for what we consider friends is something I think I see frequently. I think I know where the measurement came from. 

Thank you.   
 

[notrightinthehead]

When I stopped reaching out again and again there was dead silence. I never had many friends but those I considered friends were so only because of my efforts. I was hurt by their lack of interest in me but I felt less like the needy puppy running after a disinterested owner.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I felt less like the needy puppy running after a disinterested owner.

Thank you, Notright. Yes, that is how I feel. When you stop, it is just dead silence. While there is clarity in it, I do find it hurtful.
Thanks. 
 

[walking on broken glass]

I can relate to all that.
I was conditioned by my familial environment to be the kind, patient, accepting person who listens. I transferred that attitude to friendships and romantic relationships, and - needless to say - it did not go well. But when you see the pattern, you are aware of your tendencies and can fight against them. I used to be hurt when people didn't give back as much as I did and I would try harder. I can now recognise the signs and step back. What I still find difficult is to disengage from old friendships that don't really work for me anymore. I have managed to dilute the friendship and have more sparse contact but I find hard to cut off ties.
Having said that, I am suspicious of people who say 'I am so bad at keeping in touch'. For me this translates as 'I don't care enough to keep in touch'.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Walking. Yes, I do notice when people do not give back as much my response is to try harder. I actually recall growing up telling my mother about being upset at friends for this, and she always told me to "try harder" and that they probably did not think I was interested in them. So, my instinct is to prove my worth or interest in them so they engage with me. I am amazed at my age I still see this pattern.
 
And also, yes, I have had people tell me I am good about keeping in touch and I have also translated that into them not caring enough or sometimes at worst recognizing that they cannot shake off a friendship they no longer want.