Boundaries = A YOU action

[sunshine702]

With a lot of interaction with difficult people we hear from the experts about BOUNDARIES. Setting boundaries. Having good boundaries.

But when dealing with a Narc you know darn well that they do not and will not respect your boundaries at all ever.  I have stories of my Narc mom breaking into my house and thinking that is fine.  We all have a lot of horror stories like that.

So then what?  Accept the house break in? Say nothing?  They aren't going to reflect and change.

No what if boundaries are ACTIONS you are going to take. Not limits they will follow (they will not)  Things you decide on in advance.

I have decided to passively aggressively hang up when she starts In on my ScapeGoat brother Bad Thing Du Jour.

I will blame the cell phone reception.  It is bad out here.

A boundary. 

I am very excited about this.  I feel a lot better.  I do not want to listen to that.  Me asking politely or changing the subject has not worked but hanging up will

[notrightinthehead]

And you  have set a boundary. You are exactly right. A boundary is what what you will allow others to do or say and what you will do when they cross the line. You don't even have to state your boundaries. You just can let them feel the consequences when they cross them.

[moglow]

I've seen many posts in other forums lately where people go on an on about s/he violated my boundaries what do I do now?? As if they expected other people to simply obey a rule (however reasonable the rule may be) and were flattened when that didn't happen. No indication that they understood what boundaries are - where we leave off and others begin- OR that our boundaries aren't for others to "obey." We decide what is/isn't acceptable and we're the ones to enforce that. Just like no contact, boundaries aren't punishment for others but rather protection for ourselves.

Like the situation with your brother, sunshine, my mother was particularly fond of tearing others down, and not always behind their backs. I tried the passive aggressive route you suggest but for me it meant I still took it in. I started cutting her off and changing to neutral subjects. She got mad at being cut off (while continuing to do it herself!) and claimed she just needed to vent. 

When I finally told her that she does that a lot, "vent" and gossip about other people and their personal business, she got nasty and ended the call. Next time it happened I reminded her, she hung up again in a huff. After that I started ending the call when she got negative, told her I didn't want to hear all the negativity and spite, and needed to go. I didn't hear from her for a while after that. And yes, if that's all she has to say I'm okay with not talking to her.