the fog is thick

[Mikim2022]

hi everyone!

I was in a relationship with a top grade narcissist for 22 years and I loved him with every fiber of my soul and they every past life and now he's gone and I'm not sure if I'm ok. the trauma bond that kept me devoted to him for my entire life has not been broken even thru death. 

thanks

thanks

[Starboard Song]

Oh goodness.

Death doesn't kill love, whether the healthy type that helps us to thrive, or the toxic type that burdens us while also driving us forward.

Give yourself tons of time to heal. While that gets going, please do me a favor. Grab a piece of paper. Write down a list of things you KNOW are true. And start a second list: things that are NOT true. You'll know what I mean once you get started. Observations about him. About whether he made you a better person. Observations about what you deserve, or what you hope for. Observations about what he didn't do for you, or didn't satisfy. Things you haven't done.

I encourage you to find a friend IRL to review this with. They'll see where it is headed, too, and help you make it even better. You know how, for instance, we all figure a drug addict knows what they ought to do, but just doesn't? Writing down these things you KNOW are true and KNOW not to be, this is a roadmap. It is something to consult each day. Am I living up to my own ideals? Is this consistent with how I KNOW I should be behaving?

I wish you so much strength and love and peace.

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

[Mikim2022]

thank you so much for your kind thoughts. unfortunately his suicide is a huge burden and not the kind you easily move forward from .

writing down what was true and not true is going to be very difficult because I have no idea what was true or not . after a while I just settled on nothing he said was true and I stopped fighting for him to tell the truth . he wasn't capable of honestly and setting expectations that he couldn't reach caused a lot of misery accepting him as he was was how I found peace

also , due to the nature of abusive relationships and narcissist partners I do not have any friends irl lol my only friends were my boyfriend ( dead) my cousin ( dead) and my aunt ( also dead ) my family loved my boyfriend a lot so i wont be doing that exercise with them either

if you have any other suggestions from your tool box I'd love to hear it .

many cheers to you !

[Starboard Song]

I genuinely believe that all the PD-specific advice in the world will be far easier to implement if first you fix the situation you find yourself in. Folks differ on this, but I think job 1 is to re-introduce yourself to the world. That means finding and getting those hobbies you never were allowed. Meeting and obtaining friends through those hobbies and shared interests. It means re-establishing a community that is healthy... then tackling these ghosts. I am very sorry you face the challenge of dealing with this all at once and without IRL support.