How to Deal With Isolating Narcissist Stepfather

[CoralFang]

Hello! Looking forward to interacting with all of you. I'm the eldest of five (I'm 29F with two full siblings 27M & 25F and two half siblings 13F & 7F).

Broken home obviously, my bio parents split up when I was fresh into my teens. I'm not actually that hurt about them breaking up, I was a third-date baby and my parents married out of family religious obligation and them not wanting to be socially ostracized in the small town they're from that always has gossip, my mom was pregnant with me six weeks into them dating. They weren't a good match, have different ideals on life, and it's kind of a surprise they stayed together as long as they did with how different they really are.


After the divorce, both my parents acted out in strange ways. My dad at least recovered from that eventually, and married a woman who has been a good influence on him and has been a wonderful addition to our family. My mom married literally the second person she dated post-divorce. He was 24 when I was 13 and was cool at first, trying to sell us on being more of a cool older brother than a stepdad, and he was relating to the fact that I had some typical teenage issues at the time. He did give me advice that legitimately made my life more livable at the time, but he still seemed to want to talk me out of being me because that isn't *popular* (such as pursuing music, listening to certain kinds of it, and having a certain image). It literally took just one day into freshman year of high school (I had agreed to live with my mom at this point, our home states' laws said that anyone over 12 can decide custody unless there's a mitigating/special circumstance) to see I wanted to identify deeper into music I already liked. My dad was a cop and not super accepting of my musical choices or fashion whereas I thought I had this cool mom and stepdad that did. I would later find out that wasn't the case.

As the custody trial got closer for my sister, I was told to scale down my image and to listen to "other music" until the trial was over. I was also pulled out of therapy at that time. I did it because they told me that me seeing a therapist was not good for their side of the trial. My dad ended up winning the custody trial, and I think it had to do with the fact that the income wasn't the best from my mom (sadly, she was working a totally qualified job that wasn't paying well, but it's something I experienced myself later so I understand. But my stepdad might've actually been the one that lost the case with him calling my stepdad and leaving an unhinged/threatening voicemail to my dad a few days before the trial).

If I hadn't met my husband and some of my longer-standing friends, I would completely regret moving to be with my mom. I did hate small-town life but my stepdad made it hell in other ways. I was getting abused by an ex, but getting slut shamed for sleeping with him instead of support for the abusive behaviors. He told me some of what I experienced was on me, that I shouldn't have chosen to date him after a questionable sexual encounter (I was drinking underage at a party I shouldn't have been, I woke up next to my now ex in bed with him saying that I consented to sex with him, I felt pressured to date him after that). I was called a slut, a whore, and dumb by both my mom and stepdad. I kept seeing my ex because I just thought we were "dating" and that he loved me. I know I fucked up, but at least he was giving me some relief from the grief at home at times. My brother also was a little heavier at that age, and our stepdad would take every chance to pick on him about his weight. That never sat right with me.

I had an argument with my mom recently. I was both intoxicated and completely stressed out about my job. She made a crazy ignorant comment that I probably should've just let slide, but I was ready to fight that night. I pressed her on it and it devolved into historical shit and got ugly from there. I just want to keep the peace and I knew I fucked up. I apologized the next day and we agreed to have distance before hashing it out further.  We talked and actually had good progress. It exceeded my expectations. There was a part of it though. My stepdad had messaged my siblings and my husband, trying to get me to "give a better apology" but also just said how much he dislikes me and wishes I weren't a part of the family to them. During that convo with my mom, I asked her if she did want me as family and brought up what he said to me, my husband, and siblings. She said she didn't know and asked for screenshots. I did as she asked and sent the screenshots. My stepdad has since sent threatening messages to my husband, full siblings, and myself.

I'm just trying to hang in until the last of my half siblings are 18. My stepdad has done creepy isolating things to them. I don't know what to do.

[Starboard Song]

Oh goodness. I am so sorry.

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

Trying to hold on is a great idea. Head over to our Toolbox for What To Do. I think medium chill and grey rock are your friends. You need to keep your head down for now, maybe. I hope others with more experience with this type of challenge show up, but welcome.

[nanotech]

I'm so sorry that he's said that about you, it's clearly a move to hurt you and to  diminish your status influence in the family. All of that makes me think that your rant, while regrettable to you did initially give you a sense of progress, and so may have held a mirror up to their behaviour.

I don't like the sound of your stepdad at all. I agree with previous poster- keep a low profile at the moment.

They made you sacrifice all your social and emotional outlets on the lead up to that custody hearing over your sister. You obliged them completely, threw them all out. And for what? Your stepdad ruined it with an angry and insulting phone call to your dad.

In terms of your ex, you did nothing wrong and you're clearly a survivor of grooming before it began, and manipulation through guilt during it.  You're also a survivor of abusive behaviour from your mum and stepdad, following that time( I'm not even going to call it a relationship). They were blaming the victim .
 If you were drinking underage at a party, where was their parental care?  So please don't say you caused anything there yourself or did anything wrong,  because you absolutely did not.


It sounds as if there have been words between your mum and stepdad following the screenshots. That's your stepdad's fault not yours.
I'm wondering why your mum needed proof. Sigh.
If I were you I would probably keep my distance and I wouldn't  contact them at the moment.

Just love your husband and get on with your life without this toxicity. You've got out.

Not sure about how you will feel about your mum, in weeks to come, and I can't tell you what to do about that long term. But they  need to be respectful of you and cease abuse.You first and foremost need to remember to respect and to love yourself. You've a right to be on this planet hon! Just as much as anyone else, it doesn't matter who is planned or not! Anyway; you say that you're surprised that your parents stayed together so long, but maybe in that case they were happy for a time, and it wasn't  just the pregnancy that made stay together. It may have been a catalyst for a marriage that was going to happen later on anyway!

I just feel as if you're blaming yourself for a lot. Throw that mountain off your back!