I feel shame and guilt

[mushka74]

I had a dysfunctional family it turns out. I constantly question my character. When I look back to my life I see the mistakes I had made. I can't blame everything on a narcissistic mother and sister. It is only logical and moral that I own up to my mistakes. I am not a good person. Sitting in an apartment thinking my life is like an automobile accident scene. I have tried everything but it seems all that I had done was go through the motions. I feel like a cornered coward. I feel like I want to confess to everything and destroy myself, this failed experiment of a human being. Guilt is tremendous I feel I have run my course. Nowhere else to run. I am done.

[bloomie]

mushka74 - I can feel the sorrow and confusion through your words here. I hope I can offer you some encouragement and hope. Every single one of us is at least some part of the picture in where and how things have turned out in our lives. We are responsible for us. You are right about that and humble in admitting you see that not everything in anyone's life can be attributed to complex trauma as a child, difficult relationships, etc.

However... and this is a big however, there is absolutely no reason in this world not to give yourself grace and love as you consider that each of us also has done the best we possibly knew to do at the time in so many areas of our life.

My friend, I have been there when I looked at the landscape of the relationships surrounding me and it looked like tsunami had washed over it all. That is real and hard to experience, but it is a place to start. A place to turn from whatever is troubling you and head in a different direction. Head to higher ground, stable pathways and new beginnings.

Emotions are not equal to truth. They are powerful, important, and indicators for us, but feeling guilty is not = to being guilty. And sometimes the very best we can possibly do is go through the motions for seasons. And that is enough and that is okay!

Please do not give up. Please let us know how you are doing. You are not alone and there is better ahead! You have reached out and I am so thankful you have. I am not sure exactly what you are needing or even meaning by saying you give up, but I want to offer some resources you can access right now to talk to someone and reach out for in real life help:

https://outofthefog.website/emergency

My thoughts and prayers are with you right now as I sit on the other side of this screen... someone you don't even know who is rooting for you and believing for you!!!

[Starboard Song]

mushka,

Please do me a favor. Imagine a person who has come to you in pain. They've been in prison. They did some really bad things: destroyed some lives. Imagine them coming to you with a story of guilt and failure. They tell you their dark secrets: bad things they've done, people they probably hurt, opportunities they feel they've wasted. This friend explains that they feel like a very old car, or broken appliance, and they see everything as in the past. They think they are a failed experiment.

This person cries a little. But they are ashamed even of that. They suddenly raise their head and say "forget about it. I'm sorry," and get up to leave.

What do you tell this person? What mistakes are they making that moment? Do they deserve to look forward instead of backward? Do they deserve to let go of their guilt, and just look to the future? How might you console them? What assurances would you make?

When I was young, at our church, these people would come in to give their testimonial. They were never good people. Their stories typically included a lot of drugs, broken marriages, abandoned kids, a lot of fights and a little jail. Of course, the point of their stories always was about how God turned their lives around and now they are upstanding. But all I could think was "and to think I was sitting here worried about getting a B in geometry class! This guy did soooo much bad, and these people are giving him a standing ovation for what? For just starting over."

I didn't realize then but realize now the importance of believing in new futures not burdened, but only educated by the past. It doesn't take a religious conversion. It's a frame of mind. We all need that so bad. None of us can hold onto all our mistakes and failures and frailties.

Mushka, you deserve to look forward instead of backward. You deserve to release that guilt. You deserve respect. You deserve peace of mind. You deserve a new day. Please believe me. I know it is terrible to just make those assertions. But it is all we got here, in an online forum of peers.

After doing me this favor, do me one more: please consider finding one person in real life to take into your confidence. It doesn't have to even be a close friend. You'd be amazed at how great people can be. Share with this one person these feelings and fears, and give them a chance to take your role in my thought experiment above. You deserve someone with you to see your eyes, and let you see theirs as they assure you that you deserve a new day, free of all ghosts. It isn't about guilt, or culpability, or might-have-beens. It is about you.

[footprint33]

Mushka, no matter what, you deserve love and understanding. I'm so sorry that you're going through this pain right now. While all human beings have struggles and failures, those of us who come from dysfunctional families often only figure out the dysfunction later in life when we are already following toxic patterns and have made mistakes in our lives. However, there is a lot of goodness in this world that will welcome us to be a part of it. It can seem like an uphill battle, but little by little, we can go through transformations and find loving people out there, as well as the ability to forgive and love ourselves.

Sending strength your way on your path, and this community will support you.
footprint

[sunshine702]

There is a concept of Radical Acceptance.  What it is not- excusing your Narc mom's behavior or some of the really bad choices you made. What it is also not — living in that pain too long of how those choices were molded by that life- a victim pain.  Radical acceptance IS.  It just is.  It is that real moment where exactly that-  you look at the car crash.  Nothing is going to change that now. It is pretty real.  Understanding that reality clear as day — what are you going to do TODAY?  This moment.  This day.  Do you need to call the tow truck?  The insurance agent?  That cousin selling that older car that will do?  Feel. understand. Accept. Movement.

And please Understand I am preaching to my self a lot.  I also feel so warped by my childhood that life is difficult.  Social interaction. Work ambition. Christmas. lol

[Starboard Song]

There is a concept of Radical Acceptance....
Feel. Understand. Accept. Movement.

I encourage folks to read Radical Acceptance, by Brach. It was a total fail for me, but it SPOKE to my wife.

[Generic_Username]

Hi Mushka,
I know you posted in January, but I thought I'd write a little something anyway. I'm hoping that you get this notification and you see that time has passed. Maybe a lot has changed, maybe a little, maybe even nothing at all. But nonetheless the time has still passed and you are still able to look back and think about the person you were then and the person you are know.

I hope you've given yourself some space and forgiveness, because everyone deserves that. I would echo what Bloomie says above - maybe we can't blame all our shortcomings on our families, but it makes things that bit harder!

Be gentle with yourself