Share your go-to responses for nonsense

[SaintBlackSheep]

I'd love to hear everyone's go-to responses for when your PD person with dementia says something that makes no sense. I find myself frequently unable to understand the gibberish my mother says. She will say something like "did you see the thing they did?" or we will all be talking about something specific, like my daughter's soccer game, and then nMom will blurt out "oh! he's also really good at sports!" but not say who "he" is. Clearly, or often not-so-clearly, she'll pivot mid-conversation into something else entirely, but its unclear exactly what, and will use vague words because she probably can't remember first names or names of objects or places.

The tricky bit is that every time I ask for clarification, she becomes enraged and acts like I'm being obtuse on purpose. My enabling dad will just give me a sympathetic look behind her back, or shrug, or --my favorite-- blame me for upsetting her. So what should I say? I've tried the noncommittal "uh huh" and just ignoring her, both also enrage her.

Both of my grandmothers had full blown Alzheimers before they died, and I was a caregiver for one of them pretty extensively, but they were both usually easily redirected. They'd get on a topic that made no sense, or was something I knew to be unreal, like one grandma's obsession about seeing dead cats in the trees outside her nursing home, but I'd say in response "my, the sun sure is pretty today" and she'd let the dead cat banter go. nMom isn't there. She thinks she makes perfect sense and that I am just being a jerk, which is validated when enDad yells at me for upsetting her.

I'm just looking for some one-liners that I could keep in my back pocket and maybe teach my kids too.

And I also want to acknowledge the obvious--how sucky it is that this is how I'm spending my spring break! Doing mental gymnastics trying to figure out how to appease a chronically miserable person!

[Defiantdaughter1]

My grandma had two types of dementia. She didn't have a PD. She had a severe anxiety disorder. We would just tell her she was safe and re-direct. We were told to just go along and agree with her delusions, unless it was something scary or upsetting to her.

[moglow]

She may -as the PD individual- resent being questioned, and be in denial about even the possibility of dementia. I'd probably go along with what I can, redirect when I can't. You can't keep others from being whatever they choose, whether weepy, angry or confrontational.

Keep breathing and remind yourself, it's just for a few days. Refuse to consider "more."

[Rebel13]

How does she react to vague, general responses or questions?  Like, "How about that!" or "Really?" or "Say more about that!"  It might work, or she might get mad that you are "condescending" or "managing" her.  I've seen those types of things go both ways.  Some people can't be pleased no matter what you do.  Best of luck and hang in there.

[moglow]

Some people can't be pleased no matter what you do.

Yeah that's kinda what I have, she'd be difficult because that's who she is *before* dementia ... Some folks just need to learn how to get glad in the same knickers they got mad in, without our assistance. Not likely to happen but it sounds good in my head. Gray rock truly is your friend, don't let it sink in and drag you down!

[DaisyGirl77]

Ooh, tricky, especially since she won't be redirected & starts yelling at you.  Have you tried going along with the things she says?  Like, when she says "He's great at sports, too!"  Instead of going, "Who, Mom?" say something like, "Yes, he is.  He's such a talent on the field."  & then use context clues (or not--just play along) to put the puzzle pieces together.

If she starts getting really witchy, I'd suggest just removing yourself from the situation altogether:  "Okay, Mom, I've gotta go put the cat in the dishwasher; I'll see you soon.  Love you."  Or whatever your usual thing is.  There's no use arguing/expending extra energy.  Their brain is gone.

[Sidney37]

That is so frustrating.  Sometimes I think they are so enmeshed and expect that we are so enmeshed, that once they get older they act as if we truly share thoughts. They can leave out half the conversation, the identification or description of who someone is or the beginning of a story, yet we should know all of those details that they left out... because in their PD head, we should just know. 

It sounds like these conversations with your mom happen in person.  I found that it was definitely harder to redirect in person vs on the phone.  I think with my grandmother who just had dementia I'd ask things like "what sports is he playing these days?" or "have you seen him play recently?" to see if I could gather other clues.  With my grandmother it might have been someone she knew in the 1940's and she didn't realize 50 years had passed.  But that might not work for someone with PD. 

I think we are trained with our PD relatives not to agree with them about that sort of thing so we resist agreeing with something we don't have all the details about.  With my PDs they have years of saying something horrible about someone and trying to get you to agree just so they can run off and tell others that you said it (not them).  Then when you finally do or partially agree just to get them to stop, they run off and tell everyone you said that horrible thing about them. 

With someone with just dementia, just asking about lunch or the weather or a show on the tv would be enough.  She's definitely not there yet. 

[Sneezy]

We were told to just go along and agree with her delusions, unless it was something scary or upsetting to her.

My MIL is in memory care and this is exactly what her doctor has told us to do.  Unless she is upset or in some kind of danger, we just agree with whatever she says.  I am starting to use the same strategy on my mother (who has severe anxiety).  I don't argue with her or even question her too extensively.  If she gets upset over something that is irrational, I will just say "ok, well let's worry about that later" or "let me talk to the maintenance department and see if they can help."