Accusing you of the very things they are guilty of

[Invisiblewoman]

I had an interaction with a family member that made me go no contact, and decide it was in my best interest to maintain absolutely no contact.

They accused me of harassment because I responded (but did not react) to something awful they said. They accused me of lying, being exactly like my abuser (another narcissist), and of being toxic, and crazy. They said they were disowning me.

They said this because I pointed out a discrepancy in something they said. I also didn't respond to another accusation they made where they claimed I threatened them with disowning them if they gave my address to my abuser. They then claimed they had no idea where my abuser lived and knew nothing about their life.

Actually something different happened than what they claimed. They said they almost gave my address to my abuser, I think just to provoke a reaction. I laughed, didn't take them seriously and mockingly said I would disown them. I had a facetious tone because I figured they just wanted a reaction.

They responded with a barely contained rage. The had me promise I would never abandon them. REALLY!? Like giving out my address to someone who had harmed me isn't a form of abandonment? They raged at me, and held a grudge for months over this scenario. When my abuser died, they said that I was just a very angry person. In reality I think they were just projecting the anger I made them feel months prior.

They triangulated, and made several confusing statements when my abuser died. They were adamant that I not meet my abuser's partner because they said I would probably upset them.

When I pointed out the triangulation they completely denied everything claiming they hadn't talked to their partner in 6 years, even though they made it seem like they had spoke to them directly the other day. They insisted I was imagining things and then threatened to loop in another person to shame me for my response.

When I explained the discrepancy I saw in their statements they raged at me.

Even though the incident with my address was a couple months ago they immediately threw it in my face and portrayed me as threatening them.

I was so confused because given the actual context of what happened because I didn't threaten them. You don't just give out someone's address without asking them. They of course completely denied any responsibility in provoking my reaction.

They also said "everyone" was talking about my anger and tried to make me feel ashamed for having an emotion like anger. Again, I think they are projecting their own shame for her own level of anger at me, when I wouldn't let them disrespect my boundaries.

I criticized the content of their words and actions. They attacked me personally and twisted things. They said I was in a psychotic episode and said they were going to charge me with harassment.

It felt like an honest to god mind fuck trying to talk to them, and the 2nd person they looped in to accuse me of lying. they used any petty reason to attack my ability to remember things correctly.

I think in their minds I had disappointed them and done them dirty, when they did me wrong. Imagine if I said I almost gave their address to someone that abused them to "teach them a lesson."

My questioning their actions is abuse, yet their behaviour is somehow "kind" and righteous in their mind.

[moglow]

Very familiar - mommie dearest is infamous for volcanic rages invented out of air and her apparently limitless resentments, and when reality is pointed out immediately claims *she* has been attacked and abused. All while she's literally attacking and abusing others over it all. It truly doesn't appear to occur to her that someone else's response was at her request [demand]. She'd still demand "answers" then berate everyone just that much more for daring to answer.

With some people my only answer is to not engage in anything more than superficial bs, if even that. It's just not worth giving them my airspace or brain. The more I tried to figure it out and find reason in the overall insanity of it all, just dragged me down. Then I had to claw my own way out of their mess. No thanks!

[Rebel13]

Congratulations for ending contact with someone who was treating you so badly!  I hope you continue to focus on taking care of yourself.

[j.banquo]

This is so small in comparison, but once out at dinner with my mother and her friends, I folded my napkin to go to the bathroom.

She said in front of everyone "why don't you do that at home?"

It was humiliating, but also untrue. SHE does that.

I don't know if she knew what she was doing, but it was very odd.

[sunshine702]

This is CLASSIC PROJECTION. 

The Narc is wonderful and perfect so if they are hearing static "Hey why would you give my personal info to someone who hurt me!?"  The answer secretly is TO HURT YOU FURTHER. Well then all of those feelings are YOU.  That is what YOU are clearly doing to THEM.  Average people understand this with cheating -  if your partner accuses you out of nowhere or flirting with that guy at work it is THEIR guilty conscious talking and telling on them.

An exercise for you.  Re write the account of what happened and in each part where they accuse you write their name and the thing they have accused you of and the reasons.  Read it aloud .  THAT is what happened and you are smart for saying nope nope nope to that.

[NarcKiddo]

My uNPD mother projects all the time. Onto everyone.

The worst recent example was when a terminally ill relative left hospital to go home to die. His wife was sending her updates to pass on to the family. Because he dared to ask his wife for some mango and yogurt when he got home, my mother wrote a great diatribe to the family about what a master manipulator he is, how he was not dying at all (as proved by the fact he could eat, apparently) but simply wanted to be out of hospital to be waited on hand and foot by his wife. And that his wife was stupid for making sure he had care and supervision 24/7. Apparently she should have gone out shopping and to hair appointments as she saw fit, and if he died alone in the house while she was out - well, too bad.

He died a week later.

 

[Invisiblewoman]

This is CLASSIC PROJECTION. 

The Narc is wonderful and perfect so if they are hearing static "Hey why would you give my personal info to someone who hurt me!?"  The answer secretly is TO HURT YOU FURTHER. Well then all of those feelings are YOU.  That is what YOU are clearly doing to THEM.  Average people understand this with cheating -  if your partner accuses you out of nowhere or flirting with that guy at work it is THEIR guilty conscious talking and telling on them.

An exercise for you.  Re write the account of what happened and in each part where they accuse you write their name and the thing they have accused you of and the reasons.  Read it aloud .  THAT is what happened and you are smart for saying nope nope nope to that.

Aunt brings up something that happened months prior in a discussion where she tried to provoke a reaction, to avoid the topic at hand, "you threatened me with abandonment! I did nothing wrong! I didn't know where she lived."

Very next sentence unprompted.

Aunt: it's your choice. You are choosing to live in a world of lies. You're exactly like your mother. You're toxic and crazy I'm disowning you.

Next sentence unprompted "quit confusing me as  your mother. I am not her!

Checks notes "does shitty things while you are vulnerable and uses your brother as a flying monkey and uses threats of abandonment to escalate a disagreement and takes zero accountability so she can disavow herself from the situation and play victim. Also bonus  threat of law enforcement/ mental hospital.

Yep mom did that too. Her sister's lack of creativity in trying to pretend that she wasn't playing the same game is almost laughable.

[Invisiblewoman]

I don't want to be overly critical but engaging in an activity that was done to me in the past, and quite abusively, will not go over well a second time.

[Rose1]

That's not over critical. That's common sense.
One thing that finally came out of my relationship with bpdexh is that I've had enough of this stuff and don't need to put up with more. So grey rock if forced to be in the situation and remove myself asap.

Think the penguins in Madagascar "smile and wave" while digging to Antarctica 😊

There's no need to put up with this stuff. Life's too short.

[sunshine702]

My uNPD mother projects all the time. Onto everyone.

The worst recent example was when a terminally ill relative left hospital to go home to die. His wife was sending her updates to pass on to the family. Because he dared to ask his wife for some mango and yogurt when he got home, my mother wrote a great diatribe to the family about what a master manipulator he is, how he was not dying at all (as proved by the fact he could eat, apparently) but simply wanted to be out of hospital to be waited on hand and foot by his wife. And that his wife was stupid for making sure he had care and supervision 24/7. Apparently she should have gone out shopping and to hair appointments as she saw fit, and if he died alone in the house while she was out - well, too bad.

He died a week later.

 

Dang that is epic awful.  I am protective of the dying.  Narcs really show themselves in these sensitive times

[Invisiblewoman]

My uNPD mother projects all the time. Onto everyone.

The worst recent example was when a terminally ill relative left hospital to go home to die. His wife was sending her updates to pass on to the family. Because he dared to ask his wife for some mango and yogurt when he got home, my mother wrote a great diatribe to the family about what a master manipulator he is, how he was not dying at all (as proved by the fact he could eat, apparently) but simply wanted to be out of hospital to be waited on hand and foot by his wife. And that his wife was stupid for making sure he had care and supervision 24/7. Apparently she should have gone out shopping and to hair appointments as she saw fit, and if he died alone in the house while she was out - well, too bad.

He died a week later.

 

I like how suddenly they know modern medicine and know the undeniable truth according to their world, especially as someone is dying.

Like that is not the time to start trying to judge people and play busy body.

They pick the worst times to be awful to someone.  And if you notice it they will pawn off their behaviour onto you, and play victim.

[sunshine702]

And

My uNPD mother projects all the time. Onto everyone.

The worst recent example was when a terminally ill relative left hospital to go home to die. His wife was sending her updates to pass on to the family. Because he dared to ask his wife for some mango and yogurt when he got home, my mother wrote a great diatribe to the family about what a master manipulator he is, how he was not dying at all (as proved by the fact he could eat, apparently) but simply wanted to be out of hospital to be waited on hand and foot by his wife. And that his wife was stupid for making sure he had care and supervision 24/7. Apparently she should have gone out shopping and to hair appointments as she saw fit, and if he died alone in the house while she was out - well, too bad.

He died a week later.

 

I like how suddenly they know modern medicine and know the undeniable truth according to their world, especially as someone is dying.

Like that is not the time to start trying to judge people and play busy body.

They pick the worst times to be awful to someone.  And if you notice it they will pawn off their behaviour onto you, and play victim.

I was talking with my brother's partner last night.  He went through a HORRIBLE health crisis this year where he was down to skin and bones and in the hospital.  When Liz called my Narc mom about the situation my mom began to talk about the Christmas she got him a Grand Piano (grandiose fantasy of hers) and how he said he would have rather gotten some of the boy toys his friend's got.  This was when he might DIE and this was when he was in the 12 to maybe 16 range.

To tell that to Liz THEN.

I weep.  Good news he pulled through and is gaining weight

[Invisiblewoman]

And

My uNPD mother projects all the time. Onto everyone.

The worst recent example was when a terminally ill relative left hospital to go home to die. His wife was sending her updates to pass on to the family. Because he dared to ask his wife for some mango and yogurt when he got home, my mother wrote a great diatribe to the family about what a master manipulator he is, how he was not dying at all (as proved by the fact he could eat, apparently) but simply wanted to be out of hospital to be waited on hand and foot by his wife. And that his wife was stupid for making sure he had care and supervision 24/7. Apparently she should have gone out shopping and to hair appointments as she saw fit, and if he died alone in the house while she was out - well, too bad.

He died a week later.

 

I like how suddenly they know modern medicine and know the undeniable truth according to their world, especially as someone is dying.

Like that is not the time to start trying to judge people and play busy body.

They pick the worst times to be awful to someone.  And if you notice it they will pawn off their behaviour onto you, and play victim.

I was talking with my brother's partner last night.  He went through a HORRIBLE health crisis this year where he was down to skin and bones and in the hospital.  When Liz called my Narc mom about the situation my mom began to talk about the Christmas she got him a Grand Piano (grandiose fantasy of hers) and how he said he would have rather gotten some of the boy toys his friend's got.  This was when he might DIE and this was when he was in the 12 to maybe 16 range.

To tell that to Liz THEN.

I weep.  Good news he pulled through and is gaining weight

"Oh he's dying? Let me bring up that time I did something wonderful for him. Aren't I great?'

[sunshine702]

And

My uNPD mother projects all the time. Onto everyone.

The worst recent example was when a terminally ill relative left hospital to go home to die. His wife was sending her updates to pass on to the family. Because he dared to ask his wife for some mango and yogurt when he got home, my mother wrote a great diatribe to the family about what a master manipulator he is, how he was not dying at all (as proved by the fact he could eat, apparently) but simply wanted to be out of hospital to be waited on hand and foot by his wife. And that his wife was stupid for making sure he had care and supervision 24/7. Apparently she should have gone out shopping and to hair appointments as she saw fit, and if he died alone in the house while she was out - well, too bad.

He died a week later.

 

I like how suddenly they know modern medicine and know the undeniable truth according to their world, especially as someone is dying.

Like that is not the time to start trying to judge people and play busy body.

They pick the worst times to be awful to someone.  And if you notice it they will pawn off their behaviour onto you, and play victim.

I was talking with my brother's partner last night.  He went through a HORRIBLE health crisis this year where he was down to skin and bones and in the hospital.  When Liz called my Narc mom about the situation my mom began to talk about the Christmas she got him a Grand Piano (grandiose fantasy of hers) and how he said he would have rather gotten some of the boy toys his friend's got.  This was when he might DIE and this was when he was in the 12 to maybe 16 range.

To tell that to Liz THEN.

I weep.  Good news he pulled through and is gaining weight

"Oh he's dying? Let me bring up that time I did something wonderful for him. Aren't I great?'

And let me tell you how HE DID NOT APPRECIATE.  As a pre teen — when he did not ask for an instrument.  It lasted a few years before it too was sold