How do you know what you want?

[JustKeepTrying]

Since I posted a few months ago things have been weird. I ran into some real problems traveling; became very ill and ended up in the ER; faced some dangerous situations that could have killed me; drove across the US to help a friend; and now I am adrift in my home state and rethinking my life.

I started this adventure a year ago. Lately my ex has been in living rent free in my head. All those negative thoughts circling and self doubt rising. I have met some difficult situations and yes I got myself out of them safely. I managed my money and I am okay.

But still that doubt from decades of gaslighting still sits with me. My therapist - who I talk with daily - has told me that all of my trauma has permanently changed my brain. She suggests, gently, to accept it and accept the challenges and accommodations and appreciate what I have. I do - I do all of that - yet that whispering rises sometimes and then there is the worst part of it.

Not knowing what you want. Not knowing or being able to make a decision with confidence. Gaslighting is powerful and the long lasting effects are so difficult to overcome. Do I find a home and plan shorter trips? My adult kids are facing some troubles and I feel pulled to come home yet they don't really want me there - and there isn't a lot I can do as they are adults - except be there and with technology today I can do that from a distance. I still want to travel but I am also tired. Tired of doing it alone and I am dating - a nice man - yet it's still early and way too soon to plan. I am enjoying the slow burn.

So while I do so well in some areas, I struggle with others. This recovery really stinks and no one tells you how hard or how long it takes.

So I am asking for advice from all my fellow travelers who have experienced gaslighting/narc abuse - how do you know what you want?

[j.banquo]

I'm working on a similar project for myself, connecting with what I want.

After some extremely traumatic experiences the past three years, I was left unable to make the simplest decision, among other things.

Little by little, with medications for bipolar depression, and really understanding the abuse was not my fault, and taking time, hours at a time, to process big and painful emotions and memories, I'm slowly getting it back. I believe you can, too.

[SonofThunder]

What I want ebbs and flows and thats ok with me.  Growing up in a home with a narcissist father, followed by the drug, alcohol & sex filled college years and then multiple decades with a uPDw. Now to find myself separated with a single life ahead. Nothing was consistent.

I look at Out of the FOG like a trail we all walk together, all of us dotting the entire map; some of us hiking in a the same life section.  My life is a journey and the scenery is going to constantly change.  Im learning to accept it. Im learning to find joy in the different views along the path. 

Wishing you peace, joy and continued strength JKT

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I am facing something similar JKT. Even  tiny decisions can be difficult. My daughter recently wanted to buy me something sweet for Easter and I did not know which of the many options I preferred. In truth, I did not want any. My family have told me in the past that I am difficult to get gifts for because there isn't much that I want.
Contrary to you, I live a sedentary life with two small dogs , and have my life planned with regular activities throughout the week. Whatever free time is available, I fill with chores, socializing, or edutainment. And still the doubts, is that what I really want? Shouldn't I travel? Shouldn't I have a goal I work for? Shouldn't I try to look for a partner again? Am I wasting the rest of the time I have left in some kind of hibernation?

You still want to travel but know about the inconvenience of it. So there's two conflicting wants - travel and feeling less tired. You want a partner but are scared of being burned again. Maybe your discomfort stems from conflicting wants and the need to find a compromise?

And I agree- this recovery stinks.

[SonofThunder]

I have found traveling, just to travel, is boring for me. I feel like simply an observer of everyone else's life going on around me, while I am in a totally life-disrupted event. 

Stbx and I travelled well and it was a joy to share the sights of exploration with another person. As a single man, it seems different. 

I have temporarily stopped traveling like previously but I will be traveling once this divorce settles. Having now experienced the aloneness of just being an observer, my future travels will have a foundational and designed purpose which center around hobbies, skill growth, business travel, increased education, helping others and catching up with long ago friends and family I have not seen in decades. I will sightsee along the way in doing those. 

Looking forward to traveling with pre-planned objectives this next time after its official. 

SoT

[Rebel13]

Maybe sometimes it's OK to NOT know?  I sometimes have to try things and see what I think after the fact. Obviously one has to use varying degrees of consideration and caution depending on the seriousness of the decision, but there aren't TOO many choices in life that can't be undone if they end up not being a good fit -- even jobs, living situations, and romantic relationships. I used to criticize myself a lot for even tiny decisions that ended up being "wrong" (an unsatisfying dinner at a new restaurant, a pair of shoes that didn't quite fit) but it's gotten easier to shrug and think, "Well, that didn't work out so well, now I know!" It's kind of nice to be able to sweat the small stuff less, and see life as a bit of an adventure and a chance to figure out more about what I like and don't.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I always like to hear how you're doing, JKT.  Those sound like some pretty hair raising experiences you've been through recently.  I'm so glad you pulled through them okay!  Sometimes great stress like that can bring on a trauma response and set me back for a time.  Self doubt is almost always a part of that.

The old words of the PDex or a FOO member can play in my head and, for a time, it seems they were right.  I am defective and destined for failure and rejection, just as they said.  It's an unfortunate place I visit when triggered, but it's no longer the water I swim in for years on end.  I remind myself, it's temporary.  It always changes eventually.

For me, the old '80's inner child work -- being the nurturing parent/adult for the kid inside that's hurting really helps.  I'll even do it out loud if no one's around.  Self care ideas come out of that.  When the "child" gets let out of the closet and feels safe, it's easier to tap into that inner wisdom of what's wanted and needed.

As a general rule, I keep to what I find meaningful.  For me that's moving toward what either directly or indirectly has some promise in helping me walk my spiritual path.


Thanks for continuing to share with us!  May you find some peace while you are waiting for clarity.   

[j.banquo]

I question somewhat what your therapist is saying. I know trauma can change the brain, but neuroplasticity is a thing too.

Maybe you can accept some limitations, but temporarily, and but don't give up on a growth mindset.

I've been through some serious trauma, and could not for the life of me make the simplest decisions, I needed text message support from friends to get groceries, and I am recovering.

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.  I means a great deal to me to have all of you to lean on. To bounce off those deepest and hardest of things to look at.  What we have been through is no little thing. No little thing to recover from or hopefully recover from.

I do need to look at how far I have come from those first days so long ago when I started even questioning my marriage.  All those times I denied what was happening and now I can see it clearly. And I have seen it clearly in others and walked away.  That is growth.  Growth from the codependency. Growth from the trauma. I need to celebrate that everyday.

I still don't know what I am going to do.  I am going to gather information.  Let it percolate. Think things through. And try to go with the flow. There is no pressure and I need to remember that. I am the only making it feel like I have to decide now.  And I don't.

I have been so anxious these past few months. There was a serious life threatening incident and then a scary predatory incident with a group of men at a campground. These may have left marks on me and I have not really processed it.  I need to spend some time and think about that and how it has affected me. The fear that I felt really brought up some triggering memories.

I also want to spend some time with my own inner child.  And play. As an adult and have fun. I am ready to do the people thing a bit more - not hide from them - and try hard to find that balance.

Thank you everyone