adult child unable to access childhood memories

[Lmoody333@gmail.com]

Hi,

Survivor here of 20 plus years of marriage to verbally, emotionally abusive narcissist. Took most of it out on me, but I finally left when youngest was 10. Then commenced the fight to keep her away from me, using many manipulative tactics by himself and his mother on my daughter. Luckily, we never lost contact totally, but I couldn't fight as hard as I wanted for her as I wanted because it only escalated things and so I tried to keep a low profile, not put pressure on her to stay with me because there was so much of it from the other side. My ex used all this to lower child support which I think was his main reason for trying to keep her at his house all the time. 

She realized she was trans around 13-ish and I supported her transition. Her dad and grandmother were not so subtle in their criticism of her decision. She has always suffered from depression, sometimes better, sometimes not. She seems to have found some level of peace as a female though.

Now at 27, she has agreed to read the book by Peter Walker on CPTSD and we have had some discussions. She has never been able to be angry about anything and when I ask her to access some memories of her childhood, especially ones that she should be angry about she states that she doesn't remember her childhood that much. I have been finally dealing with all my anger and grieving about my abuse and it's been so helpful. I feel like her keeping all that in has a direct correlation with her lifelong depression.

Any thoughts or advice on how to help her access some anger or feelings in general? Will this just happen in her own time when she is ready to deal? Am I wrong for trying to get her to see some of her Dad's and grandmother's actions as bad?  Her siblings are trying to talk about their stuff with her too, but we have all been so conditioned to not talk about the elephant that was in the room all these years that it's tough.

Thank you all. Parental alienators never win!!! We will overcome!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!

I also gave my kids literature to read. And they read some. I waited for them to talk to me about their childhood and when they did, they expressed a lot of anger about me not protecting them enough. It was difficult for me to validate and apologize instead of trying to explain and defend myself.

I believe the best we can do is to work on our own healing from the abuse and role model healthy behavior for our loved ones as well as encourage them to work on their own healing.

[moglow]

I don't want to be critical but why the push that she should be angry or anything else, or insist that she see others in a particular way? From a very practical standpoint - who are we to determine how others "should" feel or be? I do believe that unexpressed anger can be internalized as depression, and maybe she needs ongoing therapist's help with her depression, dig into the roots of it and possibly learn better management overall.

I guess for me it's more important that there's an acceptance of self in whatever form it takes. What if she's just quieter and more self contained than those around her? Just because she chooses to not talk about [or possibly remember] doesn't mean it's a problem *for her*. She may very simply be built differently, something she'll continue to grow into and possibly adapt with time.

Just a few thoughts from the edge - and this is from someone who doesn't remember chunks of her own childhood. I look at that as a blessing, that maybe it's protection I need.