CBT mis-applied 'you're catastrophizing' about NPD parents

[SaltwareS]

This has been bugging me for years. I formed a bad opinion of cognitive behavioral therapy years ago when my T insisted I was "catastrophizing" when I said I did not want to go to family therapy with my NPD parents with a different therapist, one of their choosing.

I think that T of mine mis-applied CBT to my situation. I blamed myself for having trusted my T. In short, therapy with my parents was an utter catastrophe.

Therapy with them was supposed to be one session and my NPD parents double-talked their T into extending it to four months. That drained my savings account at the time, because each session left me spiraling for days at a time I needed to stay collected & calm.

There is something weird about CBT, though. Even though my T mis-applied it, I still don't think it's a robust technique even if it's applied correctly. It's incomplete, I sense, but maybe I'm not giving it a fair chance.

[moglow]

SaltwareS, I know little to nothing about CBT, but to me your therapist claiming "catastrophizing" or anything else -unless s/he was there and lived it with you- would have shut me down. Throw all the labels at it they want, you still lived what you lived and felt how you felt. You needed help with *your* stuff and that's why you were there.

DID the CBT help you and the relationships in your family? Questionable from what you've shared. It haunts and seems to have depleted you. Something in their process is clearly missing or seems you'd be in a very different place with a more settled mindset about the whole situation now. Me, today's me, I'd chunk that therapist who continued to push far beyond what's helpful or necessary. It feels like s/he failed you. When you see a client sinking [I'm assuming here] instead of rising, something isn't working for her/the client. Seems that would have been the time to pull back, reassess and consider other options. To push a client to continue a battering in family therapy like that? That's not on.

I am admittedly curious if you're interested in sharing - what's the relationship like [if any] with the parents now?

[Call Me Cordelia]

For trauma, I agree with you. CBT can only be effective if you are not in the triggered fight-or-flight state. Why? Because your cognition is impaired. Literally the part of the brain you need for higher level rational thinking is just not activating. So... if you are being taken over by your amygdala in therapy with your abusers and being launched into days-long emotional flashbacks, well no duh it's not helping!

[NarcKiddo]

I spend a lot of time on the sister site, Out Of The Storm, which is specifically for people with CPTSD. Pretty much everyone there who has mentioned experience of CBT in connection with trauma has found it of limited help, if any.

[SaltwareS]

I am admittedly curious if you're interested in sharing - what's the relationship like [if any] with the parents now?

I did a lot of personal work in the years-long estrangement that followed the catastrophic therapy. I reconnected with my parents and it was rocky at first, less so now.

I was able to use some of the techniques I learned in my time away and I think they have adopted some of these techniques in their own lives, to their benefit.

Recently they've been doing something with language-twisting I think I can handle - they're conflating thing a with thing b and then conflating thing b with immorality. But I will approach them about re-compartmentalizing action a from action b and re-establishing that action b is often moral, adulting behavior.

[SaltwareS]

I spend a lot of time on the sister site, Out Of The Storm, which is specifically for people with CPTSD. Pretty much everyone there who has mentioned experience of CBT in connection with trauma has found it of limited help, if any.

I think it is incomplete as a technique because it is so cold, like a computer algorithm.

Relationships with pets partially helped fill the void. My cat L, who I gave to friends when I moved to a place that didn't allow pets, would run from across the yard when she heard my voice. She did other things that told me this fur-covered life form isn't just greeting me in a transactional way because I once provided food long ago when she was a kitten.

[moglow]

Relationships with pets partially helped fill the void. My cat L, who I gave to friends when I moved to a place that didn't allow pets, would run from across the yard when she heard my voice. She did other things that told me this fur-covered life form isn't just greeting me in a transactional way because I once provided food long ago when she was a kitten.

I feel the same. Ive been where I couldn't have mine with me and the first [worst] time mommie dearest begged that she do something anything to help me. All I needed was a safe home for my cats while I paid some things off and got back into a place by myself. She was all in, until she wasn't some six months later. It didn't end well but I got them out to a better place for a few more months. What really did it for me was going there to spend what time I could with them, and both cats avoiding me. They got where they'd hide from me and didn't want to be touched at all - I knew I had to get them out [admittedly there's a strong physical resemblance between me and mother, and I've also passed as her on the phone when talking with her sisters].

Sounds like you're light years from where you were and I'm really glad for you! At the least you managed to get the tools you need to truly carry on.

[Rebel13]

I have found DBT/dialectical behavior therapy much more helpful than CBT.  It has a component of thought stopping/substitution but combines rational assessment with tools for coping, mindfulness and emotion management.  I have often needed a lot of that before I could get to the place of thinking through my thoughts and situation.

[SaltwareS]

Thank you so much for the responses. I agree the whole idea of DBT's radical acceptance sounds sensible.