Don't know how to turn the corner - overly sensitive husband

[Ellie123]

Hi all.

I have been here years ago as I used to be in a relationship with a covert narcissist. I happily left him and found myself an amazing partner that is my husband now. He is kind and generous but comes from a background where he was mistreated by his father, and is extremely sensitive to criticism, gets paranoid etc and thinks I think the worst of him, don't love him etc at occasions.

He has been working on directorial job positions in the last 3 years. Left his last 2 jobs as they were stressful and not making him happy, he had panick attacks, anxiety from work etc. Now he has ben unemployed for 3 months actively looking, with no luck, happiest I have seen him. He set himself an goal he is going to work for smaller company perhaps part time only where he will feel valued.

Now, a job offer  came along where they like him, but it looks like a absolute replica of the previous jobs. Full time, stress, 10 hours a day. no time off. He has been overthinking it yesterday wanting to take it but already looked stressed about it, which made me totally on edge and gave me anxiety as I do not want the same hell for him which ten gets projected into our lives. I didn't know how to deal with this anxiety feeling and I kept myself to myself and said I am in a funny mood and later on expressed the future job is giving me anxiety and over worry he is going to end up in the same hell.

I expressed to him my worries and how it created the anxiety in me and he totally turned it against me saying I do not care about him, about what he wants, I don't love him, and I want what suits me and how what he wants.

I am just speechless and heartbroken, I support my husband on the daily basis with all his job search and his interviews and he is just saying now I do not care and I ruined the job for him.

[Cascade]

I don't have any advice to give you but I certainly know what it's like to be married to someone who is overly sensitive. My husband has also complained about how stressed he is, for most of our marriage. While I can't see what's going on inside my husband's brain, I think my husband just used it to get attention and sympathy.

[Ellie123]

Again now, I am feeling I am loosing my sanity.

We are sitting on the sofa watching tv, and my husband out of the blue starts breathing really deeply and loudly.

So I asked a simple question - Why are you breathing so deep?

And he fired back at me saying why do I critise him

And it turned into a half hour conversation me trying to explain to him I just wanted to know why is he breathing deeply suddenly and him being all defensive telling me he felt critisised and he wished I would say something different and now we are walking on eggshells.

Brilliant.

[DCF1952]

I am sorry you are going through this again. Are you sure he's not a covert narcissist? The sensitivity to criticism... believing that he is chronically under valued at work?

[Call Me Cordelia]

This does seem like a red flag. How long have you been with him/married?

I do see some similarities with my own uPD father's career here. He definitely had a pattern of believing he was undervalued and stressed out about his job, quitting, finding a new job that what do you know had the exact same issues. So he would change every few years (in his case often he was hinted at to leave, in his field it's hard to outright fire someone), but his pay would gradually decline with every change. You say he's been unemployed for three months. Have you been carrying both of you financially? I mean, if you didn't care about him you'd think you'd be throwing him into any old job. The breathing thing definitely sounds over the top.

[bloomie]

Ellie123 - with someone who may possibly be emotionally immature and sees the cause AND answer to their uncomfortable circumstances and emotions outside of themselves, it is very easy to take on stuff that is not yours if one is not careful.

Is that possible here?

For example: you have been accused of not supporting someone you know you are clearly supporting. You have been accused of criticizing someone because you asked why they were drawing attention to themselves by deep breathing while sitting beside you. 

That is enough to upend anyone for a bit, but as you look at and observe your H, are there patterns? Is it possible that dumping out his distress on you is quickly becoming his way of coping with what is essentially his stuff?

May I gently suggest that giving him your attention for 30 minutes because you asked him why he was breathing deeply - possibly explaining and reassuring him of your kind intent - is not a productive conversation and use of your time and energy.

It could be healthier to get a hold of your own emotional responses to being falsely accused, make a correction or simply state you were asking out of concern, and if he continues to attempt to draw you in.. leave the conversation politely.

Two things came to mind as I was reading your post - knowing where we end and another begins and asking ourselves 'what is mine to do?'.

If your concern at this job offer, or any job offer, has backfired on you then why offer anything beyond...'I'm sure you will figure what is best.'?

If your H takes a job that stresses him out and attempts to bring chaos and stress into your marriage and home that is a boundary thing and something to be worked through, not endured. It is both of you working together to build an atmosphere in your communication and connection, your home, that builds and protects each other and your marriage.

We don't get to drag the emotional baggage of the day (or moment) into the front door of our home that we share with our loved ones and toss it all about because we don't know what to do with it.

One way that supporting our H's can look is by being real clear on what does and does not work for us in close, intimate communication. That is what love looks like.

Just a few thoughts and as always take what may be helpful and leave the rest. Wishing you wisdom as you go forward!

[Rebel13]

My partner can sometimes be overly sensitive or defensive. I think in her case it is a matter of emotional flashbacks from CPTSD, but it took me a long time to figure that out. From my experience, she reacts differently to a statement like "Why are you breathing heavily?" than "Are you OK, you are breathing kind of heavily and I'm wondering what's happening with you." She might feel criticized by the first statement, so I have learned to be sure to overtly communicate that my intent is caring and concern, not judgment. In my experience, someone who's reacting from past trauma will be less reactive if they are reassured of being cared about. If someone is consistently angry, defensive, and argumentative no matter how I phrase my question, then I would be less hopeful that changing my approach could improve our communication.

bloomie's comments about boundaries are well taken also! I have had to learn to get calm inside myself when my partner is upset or hurting, and not dive too far into trying to fix things. I also sometimes remove myself from the situation if she is feeling really bad and lashing out at me. We had a really big fight a couple of years ago which resulted in us choosing a safe word either of us can use, which means we stop conversing for the time being until we feel calmer. We also created separate spaces in our house that we can retreat to and, if the door is closed, it means we need time alone in our own space. This has improved our relationship a lot. Pete Walker's work was instrumental for me in figuring some of this out, and learning to understand myself, take better care of my own needs, and detach with love from what my partner needs to do for herself.

I wish you luck in figuring out what will be best for you.